Page 22 of My Carmilla
Carmilla flinched, a flicker of pain crossing her face. "They were sustenance. It’s how I can live in your world.”
"Sustenance." The word felt grotesque, like a butcher describing livestock. “You fed off those girls like a parasite, leeched their life force to satisfy your bloodlust." My voice trembled with hot anger. "You could have at least saved them. Given them your gift, your curse, whatever you call it. Made them one of you."
Carmilla's gaze met mine, a flicker of despair momentarily clouding her usually vibrant eyes. "There was never a choice," she said, her voice laced with a weariness that belied her youthful appearance. "It takes centuries for a vampire to gather the strength to share the curse with another. And once you’ve turned a human, you cannot turn another until you gather the energy for it again. I've waited all these years for you.” Her voice dropped to a soft whisper against my lips. “Turning another is the most intimate act for a vampire. Blood for blood, a bond forged in the fires of passion. A contract etched into eternity. I wanted you to be my first—and last.”
How could these monstrous pronouncements incite romantic feelings in me? The idea of sharing an eternity with her, bound by blood and desire, held a perverse appeal. Was I truly so susceptible to her charms, even knowing the darkness they masked?
‘Damnation,” I whispered. “That’s what you’re offering me.”
“Not damnation,” she said. “But freedom. Freedom from the shackles of mortality, freedom to experience eternity by my side. All these years, I've been waiting. Waiting for someone who would make the choice willingly, someone who wouldn't be a victim, but a partner."
Her words tasted like ashes in my mouth, choking away any hint of affection. My trust in her was shattered, the pieces lying scattered beyond repair.
“Laura,” she pleaded. “Don't let fear and anger cloud what you feel. I know you still love me…please, say something.”
“I can’t even look at you.”
Carmilla recoiled as though I had slapped her. I hoped the bite of my words did as much.
I knew my words deepened the chasm that had opened between us, and a part of me longed to reach out, to bridge the gap; but the other part, the rational part, recoiled. Yet her words resonated in a corner of my traitorous heart.
I still loved her.
The realization clawed me inside. The love for a woman who was both a monster and my everything.
“Just go,” I whispered.
The silence that followed was a living thing, a suffocating weight that settled around me as she disappeared into the shadows.
Chapter 10:
The sun bled a weak apology for light the next day, but Carmilla's absence cast a deeper shadow. She was gone, vanished like a wisp of smoke. My father and governesses bustled about in a worried flurry, convinced it was another sleepwalking episode.
I didn’t have the heart to tell them the reason was me.
"Bloody hell," said my father. “On the day the general is supposed to arrive, no less.”
"She'll reappear, monsieur.” Madame Perrodon’s voice was a practiced balm. "Remember how we searched the entire schloss only to find her later?"
"For now, the best thing to do is wait,” said Mademoiselle De Lafontaine, her usual poise slightly ruffled. "In the meantime, we should prepare for the general's visit."
They busied themselves with preparations, a distraction for them. But not for me. Carmilla lingered in my mind like the smoky tendril of an extinguished flame.
I couldn't escape her. Her essence caught in my hair, in my clothes, in my skin. She had infiltrated every pore of my mind, weaving herself into the tapestry of my thoughts. She was everywhere, a weed that had burrowed into the fabric of my being.
I wanted to see her desperately. I needed something from her. Closure, at the very least after we had shared. I stole away to our secret spot.
The lake.
Carmilla stood there, behind the rose bushes, waiting for me. “I knew you would come.” She cupped my cheek, her voice soft. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done, Laura.” The apology hung in the air, a fragile bridge attempting to connect the chasm of betrayal.
“If I could change who I am…what I am, I would. I was thrown into this life, and all the darkness that comes with it. Do you think I want to hunt? To feel the guilt that comes with it. I do it all to survive, just like you need water to live.”
“I didn’t come here for an explanation,” I said. “I came here for closure. For truth. No more lies, Carmilla.”
“What do you wish to know?”
“These feelings…” I clutched my chest. “I cannot suffer under your thrall any longer. Please,” I begged her. “Release me from it.”