Page 64 of Chaos

There’s a glass door out onto a small balcony. Sliding the packet of cigarettes out of my pocket, I offer one to Sofia. She holds up her hand and shakes her head.

I have to use a lot of force to push the damn door open. The railing is so close, it could hardly fit two people.

I light the cigarette and let it burn into my lungs before tipping my head back and exhaling. I had to get some air. The last thing I want to do is say something wrong and fuck this up before I even get the chance.

Sofia and my daughter have been living cramped up in here, fuck.

I want to slam my fists against the iron railings, but I stop myself. Somehow. I just got Sofia back in my life. How the hell am I supposed to be a father?

My heart starts to race and I don’t know how to react. I’m furious with myself for letting her go the first time. For missing so much. Yet, I’m petrified.

Everyone around me dies.

What if I can’t protect her? What if me being in her life ruins it, like it does for everyone else? I can’t do that to her.

To either of them.

Taking one last drag, I flick it over the railing. Sofia remains motionless as I step back into the room. I can sense her hesitation to even come near me. I’m messing this up.

“Sofia.”

“Jax.” Her voice is barely a whisper, and it hurts.

Striding towards her, I firmly grasp her face, guiding her attention to meet my gaze.

“I’m so fucking sorry, sweetheart,” I whisper before closing my eyes and resting my forehead against hers.

“Sorry for what?”

“Leaving you to do this all by yourself.”

“We did okay, Jax. She’s a little angel, really.”

I nod, a lump forming in my throat.

“Did you want to stay with me tonight, meet her in the morning?”

The nerves are clear in her tone.

That little nagging voice in my head tells me that they don’t need me. My hands start to shake as I pull her tiny frame against mine. The walls feel as though they’re closing in on me. My chest tightens, and I struggle to take in a breath.

I know what I need to do. What I should do.

I just need some damn air.

THIRTY-THREE

SOFIA

My face nestles against his chest, feeling the rapid thump of his heart against my cheek. I can’t work out what he’s thinking. That tortured look in his eyes before he walked out for a smoke worries me.

He went to a dark place, and I have no clue why.

“I understand if it’s too much, Jax. If you need time?—”

He shakes his head as I pull out of his tight embrace. I need some space, too. My feelings for him confuse me, they consume me.

“Let me go to my apartment, grab some clothes, and then I’ll be back.”