Page 29 of Becoming

If you sit with her, you have to tell her the truth, Rebecca. All of it. Are you ready for that? Perhaps this was her out. Cassidy could never love someone who did what Rebecca had done. With a heavy sigh full of dread, Rebecca nodded. She followed Cassidy, and settled in on the bench, tucking one leg under her.

“What do you want to know?” she asked warily.

Cassidy faced her. “Everything.”

Rebecca shook her head. Everything. Be careful what you wish for, Cassidy Giles. You may regret this. So could I.

“I used to be a Sub,” she began quietly. Rebecca then did something she wished she didn’t have to do. If she had any hope at all of getting to know Cassidy better—as Rebecca—she would have to tell Cassidy about her past. About Samantha, about the club, about how she stayed despite the pain, about the drug use. But could Rebecca have the courage to tell Cassidy everything?

Cassidy listened intently, only leaving once to get them both something to drink. Well, at least she came back. Cassidy asked questions, made comments, but never once judged. It was better than Rebecca could have hoped for.

“Where is she now?”

“Dead.” Rebecca’s tone was emotionless, and she noticed the shock on Cassidy’s face. “You’re wondering if I killed her. I can see the question written all over your face, Cassidy. Do you think I’m capable of that?”

“I think everyone is capable if pushed to their limit, Rebecca. But I didn’t think… I mean, I just…”

Rebecca smiled at a flustered Cassidy. She’s cute when she’s flustered. “I know. The thing is, I’m not sure if I can say I didn’t kill her.”

Cassidy frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“The official cause of death was an overdose. Samantha liked to party. Hard. Everything she did was over the top. Drinking, drugs… me.” She fidgeted, hating that she had to think about all of this.

“Did she make you?”

Cassidy didn’t finish her question, but Rebecca understood what she was asking. “I never did drugs, Cassidy. That’s one thing I could be grateful for. Samantha was a very selfish person, especially with things that gave her pleasure. That night was no different than any other. She came home already high and wanting more. She liked having me watch her shoot up. It made her feel powerful to let me know that I was not ‘worthy enough’ to participate.”

“Do you think that by watching, you killed her?”

Rebecca was impressed with Cassidy’s intuition. “I felt nothing when she died. There was no remorse.” She swirled the water in her bottle and was mesmerized by the tiny twister that formed. You’ve been honest so far, may as well keep going. “Actually, that’s not true. I did feel one thing. Relief.”

It didn’t quite answer Cassidy’s question, but at least it was the truth.

“With everything she put you through, I think that’s normal.”

“Is it normal to sit there and watch her take her last breath?” Rebecca asked quietly. She took a chance and looked up at Cassidy. “After she took that last hit, she became more and more agitated, which she took out on me. She kept screaming at me that I was cheating on her, that there was someone hiding in our bedroom. If she wasn’t searching, she was hitting me. Then it all just stopped. Samantha raised her hand to hit me again and just froze. Convulsions started, she began to get sick.”

Rebecca shuddered at the memory. Then she felt the warmth of Cassidy’s touch on her arm. That simple touch felt like a balm on her soul and gave her the bravery to continue.

“I could have called the ambulance, Cassidy. I could have called 911, and maybe she would still be alive. But, I stood there, bloodied, watching her suffer, and I couldn’t.”

“I don’t blame you, Rebecca. She did this to herself. She doesn’t deserve your guilt.”

It wasn’t just blithe comments. They were an absolution to Rebecca. Perhaps one that she didn’t deserve.

“Those are easy words to say, Cassidy.”

“I know, but it’s true.”

Rebecca gave Cassidy a small shrug. “Fortunately for me, you weren’t the only one that feels that way.”

“You found someone you were able to trust?”

As steady as Cassidy’s voice was, Rebecca thought she detected a note of jealousy. Or, perhaps she was just hoping that Cassidy would care enough to have wanted to be the one to save her. It was a silly notion, of course.

“I don’t know about trust, but he’s a cop. And he knew Samantha did drugs. He always looked the other way because she gave him free access to the club.” She didn’t know why she didn’t tell the exact truth then. Maybe she didn’t want Cassidy to know that it was Rebecca that gave him a free pass. That would be admitting that she let Samantha get away with so much more.

“Wait, he’s a cop and he didn’t protect you?” Cassidy asked angrily.