Page 53 of Becoming
For the first time all day, Rebecca smiled. “I didn’t Google it, I just feel… off. It’s stupid and frustrating, but I can’t seem to stop it.”
“I’m going to need details, Becca,” Willamena said patiently. Rebecca had been like this since she could remember. If she found a subject that she didn’t particularly feel comfortable with, she skirted the issue. It drove the psychiatrist in Willamena nuts. Hell, it drove the aunt in Willamena nuts.
“Okay,” Rebecca sighed. “Let me preface this by saying Cassidy’s and my sex life is magnificent. She makes my body do things it’s never done before.” She heard a small groan from her aunt. “Aunt Wills? I’m going to need Dr. Woodrow for this one.”
Rebecca could practically see the change happen. Where her Aunt Wills was uncomfortable, Dr. Woodrow was completely attentive. A small lean in, a change in her demeanor, and clear eyes completed the transformation. Rebecca often wondered if that’s where she acquired her ability to change into Mistress so easily.
“Go on, Rebecca.”
Rebecca took a deep breath. “I need you to know that I’m completely satisfied with Cassidy.”
“Rebecca, you don’t have to convince me that you’re happy with your sex life. Unless you’re trying to convince yourself?”
“No! I am. I’ve never been happier. That’s why this is so confusing to me.”
“What is?”
“This—this urge my body has.”
“What kind of urge?” Woodrow asked patiently. “Do you want to hurt Cassidy?”
“No. God, no. It’s the opposite. I want her to hurt me,” Rebecca whispered.
“Rebecca?” Willamena waited until she had her niece/patient’s attention. “I understand why this may concern you. However, it is quite normal.”
Rebecca scoffed. “Normal? It’s normal to want the woman you love to hurt you?”
“When someone has been through what you have, Rebecca, yes,” she answered calmly. “What Samantha did to you.” Willamena’s voice cracked ever-so-slightly and she cleared her throat. “You endured abuse over an extended period of time. It is not uncommon for victims of that type of maltreatment to become addicted to that pain.”
“Addicted. To pain.” Even though her aunt just told her it was normal, Rebecca sure as hell didn’t feel normal. “So, I am crazy.”
“No,” Willamena said forcefully. “I don’t want you thinking like that, Rebecca. I want you to acknowledge that your body is responding to trauma that was not your fault.”
“It was fifteen plus years ago, Aunt Wills! I’ve changed since then. I’ve become the dominant one! I’ve worked very hard not to be that weak anymore.”
“It’s not weakness, Rebecca.”
Rebecca impatiently waved away her aunt’s words. “Why? Why is this happening now when I’m happy? Is Samantha always going to be there, ruining my life?”
“I believe you just answered the why. Not Samantha, but your happiness. You said you love Cassidy, yes?”
“Very much.”
“And, you trust her?”
“With everything inside me.”
“Would you like my professional opinion?” Rebecca nodded. “I believe that you’ve found the one person that you could feel comfortable enough with, that you could trust enough, to let go of all of your defenses. That is why after fifteen years your body is beginning to have these desires.”
Rebecca remembered that night Cassidy told her she loved her. She also remembered how it felt when Cassidy fucked her hard after a raging orgasm. Perhaps it was feeling pain with that kind of pleasure, the pleasure she should have felt all those years ago, that brought this on.
“I don’t want this, Aunt Wills. How the hell am I supposed to tell Cassidy that I need her to hurt me?” She rubbed her temples, hoping to relieve a headache that was forming. “All this time I’ve been worried about turning into Samantha. I never even considered I would turn back into the old, weak Rebecca.”
“We’ll talk about your fears of becoming like that bitch at another time. Like when I’m not being your doctor and I can tell you what I really feel. But, for now, I’m going to tell you that you were never weak, and you’re not regressing. In fact, I think this is a breakthrough for you.”
“A breakthrough. Are you serious?”
“Quite. I know that decades of experience in psychology isn’t that impressive, but sometimes I do know what I’m talking about, Rebecca.”