Page 97 of I Love My Mistake
JESSICA
Chapter Forty-Four
As the cab passes us, I take a halting step toward it. I almost yell, don’t! I’m sorry!! But Nicole’s turned away and Michael’s silencing glare stops me cold.
Amber’s tone is ice water splashing down my spine. “You have to give Mark up.”
I swing around. “Hey! I don’t own him. This isn’t my fault!”
Amber explodes. I jump back in surprise as her arms fly around like a whacko’s. “Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE!”
Survival instinct kicks in. I have to defend myself. “This is so not my fault!”
Her eyes narrow into cloudy-blue, angry little slits. “JESSICA! What part of YOU HAVE CHRIS do you not understand?”
Her look is so superior that I want to wring her pretty little neck. It doesn’t matter that she’s right! It doesn’t matter that she’s usually right! It just matters that I’m being attacked. If she weren’t attacking me, maybe we’d have a conversation. “Amber – you know what? You’re not perfect. No matter how much you may think you are, you’re not! And by the way, you’re doing that thing where you say my whole name like you’re my mom. You’re not my mom! You’re not the world’s mom, Amber! Why don’t you go have a baby so you can have someone to treat like a child!” Okay…that sounded stupid, even to me.
Amber plants her hands on her hips and glares at me. “I am so sick of people pointing that whole-name-thing out. Don’t try to deflect the blame so the focus comes off you! Let’s stay on point here, and go over the facts.” She hits her two index fingers together as she counts. “Fact number one! You could have had Mark, but you gave him up. Fact number two! You can’t hold him hostage just because you don’t want to see him with one of your best friends! Fact number three! You have a boyfriend!”
“I wasn’t doing that. I…”
She doesn’t ease up, not even a little bit. “And you can’t say you love Nicole and call yourself her friend, but then keep happiness away from her, at the same time! That’s not how works! You have to stop being so flipping selfish.”
“Flipping? You say flipping?”
She loses it, yelling, “Only when I’m being nice!”
I suck my lips into my mouth, staring at her, searching for something to argue with. Finally I snap at her, “You don’t know that Mark would make her happy!”
Amber yells in my face, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
I throw an arm in the direction their cab went. “No! I’m not kidding you! Maybe Michael will make her happy! You’re the one who said she loved him. You said it! And he left his wife, right?! Who does that?” Amber’s mouth opens and closes like a fish’s gills. She’s stumped. “That’s right! They never leave their wives! Maybe it’s Michael she’s supposed to be with. I’m not lying to myself, Amb! I’m just…”
She interrupts. “Lying to yourself?”
I purse my lips into a tight line. “Oh – forget it! I’m not taking this anymore!”
She calls after me as I hightail it up the street, “Good! You go! Go figure out how you’re going to make this right! This is on you Jessica! On YOU!!”
I throw my arm up out of New York habit, my middle finger itching to fly up and tell her what I really think. But I yank my arm back down with a grunt, steam pouring out of my head.
She loses her mind and screeches, “You’re lucky you didn’t flip me off!”
That’s it. I spin around, speed-walking backwards. “Oh? What would you do, bite my ankles??!!”
Her jaw drops and I spin back around, storming off.
“Was that a short-joke? That was MEAN, Jessica!! That was NOT nice!”
I’m pretty sure dolphins are searching for her, hoping to make babies.
Tightening my coat against the chill and wishing I didn’t wear this stupid skirt (no matter how cute it is, and it is cute), I mentally chew on what’s happened, because seriously, Michael is not what I expected at all. I guess I pictured a dirty, skinny artist-type holding a bong, pontificating about Nietzsche and the fucked-up government. I did not expect a hunky, dark and stormy, European God. I didn’t tell Amber this, because she didn’t give me the dignified space to, but when I saw Michael and Nicole together, when he told her he’d left his poor wife, I realized something, and it hit me hard.
Nicole isn’t supposed to be with this guy. She’s supposed to be with Mark.
That’s why I said over and over, Oh my God. Nicole is supposed to be with Mark. It’s them together, with everyone else on the outside; the way it always is when someone finds their soul mate. Just because I saw it as the truth, doesn’t mean I don’t hate it, because I do. I really, really hate it. Now I know Mark came to New York for Nicole and not for me. Somehow I intercepted him and if I hadn’t, maybe he would have met her earlier. But wait – that doesn’t really balance out, either. He put out a sex ad. He wasn’t exactly looking for true love when he did that. But… let me think about this… if I hadn’t answered it, maybe he would have gone out that night. Maybe he would have gone to get a drink, run into Nicole, and BAM, happiness and magic kumquats floating through the air. But then I wouldn’t have begun to heal, and maybe I wouldn’t have met Chris! The thought of not meeting Chris makes me ill, instantly.
Stop it, Jess. You’re making yourself crazy.