Page 68 of His Vicious Vow
Of course I am. Sandro wanted me pregnant so I’m pregnant. I have a feeling it’s even the girl he demanded. If I didn’t feel like shit I might be able to laugh but it would probably still end in tears the way my mornings have since the nausea began a week ago.
It’s been six weeks since we got back from Italy and thirty days since our wedding day. It’s been since the day Sandro gave me Kiki that he talked to me when people weren’t around. We’ve gone to two other dinner things and one very long golf tournament and he’s only touched me when he absolutely has to—no more dance floors.
I sag against the wall and slide down it as my legs give out from under me. I thought this is what I wanted. Sandro leaving me alone. He didn’t want me. I’m the wife he chose because he had to have one. You’ll do—the words haunt me. Yet I also cling to them in the moments when I was at his side and we both pretended we were any happy newly married couple.
Why do I miss him? Why do I feel only half-alive without him? The pain of him only nodding at me in acknowledgment before turning away hurt as badly as a physical blow. I miss his chuckles, his wicked sense of humor, his body against mine, the way he kissed me as though…
The idea of calling Ruth flashes. I’ve only told her a few things so she understood this was an arranged marriage not out of love. In our last session I finally broke down and asked her why I wasn’t having panic attacks. I’m miserable yet not even a hint of an attack, why? She said it was most likely because I felt safe. Then she asked me why I was miserable. I lied and said because the manga that was supposed to be easy isn’t. I shake my head. I shouldn’t have lied.
It isn’t Ruth I need to talk to, it’s Sandro. The tears have to stop and I need to figure out how to tell him. How the hell am I even going to tell him I’m pregnant when he doesn’t talk to me? Should I do it by text?
Kiki’s toenails click on the floor as she finds me. She begins licking me clearly agitated by my tears. I pick her up and hold her tight. Kiki got me out of bed in the morning and when I hid in bed she teased me out of it. Her sweet and hilarious antics kept me smiling. If it weren’t for her I’m positive I would have lost it already.
An hour later I’m cleaned and dressed in the kitchen drinking a very mild tea and nibbling on toast. I need confirmation but I don’t want to call down to the front desk for a pregnancy test, they’ll tell Sandro.
I call down to the front desk for a driver so I can go shopping at a ridiculously expensive department store, a department store attached to a shopping mall. A mall that has a pharmacy in the lower level.
Two hours later I’m back in my bathroom. I blink and it’s still there. The test swore it was the easiest to read and most accurate. I’m pregnant. I mean I was pretty sure but seeing it in black and white…is a lot.
Running my hand over my stomach I’m in awe. A baby. I want to call Celia and ask her a dozen questions. But it isn’t right to tell her before I tell Sandro.
Is he coming home tonight? He did sleep here most nights but five nights over the last month he didn’t. All at once I’m frustrated by my lack of knowledge of Sandro and his movements. I text Natasha asking where Sandro is and when he’ll be home. Her response comes quickly.
He’s in a meeting. I’m not sure when he’ll be out. Is there anything I can help you with?
Now that it’s confirmed elation is building in me. I want to tell her. I want to tell everyone. But I don’t dare.
No. I just had something I wanted to talk to him about. It’s fine.
Deflated, I get up to make another cup of tea more for something to do than because I want one. Filling the countertop kettle Sandro got me, a twinge of sadness hits me. My eyes are on the unique teapot, he bought me things I wanted but didn’t because I didn’t think I deserved them. But he did.
Desperate to take my mind off it, I surf the internet for baby information. I know of babies. I’ve even played with a few when they were brought to la familia gatherings but it’s been a long time.
“Is everything all right?” Sandro asks from behind me.
Shock has me dropping my phone. “Oh my god, you scared the crap out of me.” I nearly yell as I clutch my chest that feels like it’s pounding hard enough to break a rib.
“I apologize. Natasha said you wanted to speak with me. Before I went into my next meeting which might go long I wanted to ensure you were all right.” He bends down to pick up my phone. Running his eyes over it he hands it back to me.
“Um, yes. I did. Do. Want to talk to you. I um…” His eyes narrow on me as I stumble to get the words out. “I’m pregnant.”
I swear it’s the sun coming out from behind gray clouds. Sandro smiles wide. Only for it to disappear as quickly as it appeared. “I feel like I should apologize. Except it would not be genuine. I’m…pleased. However, as I did not give you a choice in the beginning I believe the right thing to do is give you a choice now. Whatever your decision, I will support it and you.”
Pain flares through every cell of my body. I cover my stomach as I step back from him. “No.” I fight not shout at him. How could he think I could do that? “I want my baby.”
His hands come up. “I do too. I was only—”
“Well don’t!” I shake my head. “It’s bad luck.”
A nod. “I’ll have Natasha contact an obstetrician immediately so you can get in as soon as possible.” He begins to turn away before suddenly stopping and turning back to me. “Thank you.”
I blink and he’s gone again. I don’t dare let the tears fall where the cameras can see. I grab a bottle of water, my phone and go into my room. Uncaring where my phone lands I let it fall from my hand as I pull back my covers and get into bed.
Kiki whines but she snuggles into me. Now that I’m alone the tears fall and don’t stop until I slip into a restless sleep.
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Carina