Page 4 of Echoes of Eternity

“Ryan.” Her eyes darted between both his, appearing to dig for something more wrong than the fact he had just lost his father.

Walls rising all around his heart, he barricaded himself in. He wasn’t sure if it was to keep her out or to protect himself from feeling any emotion in the moment. He felt exhausted emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

“Please, just let me go pray with our boys and tuck them in.”

She stepped aside, releasing him from what felt like an interrogation. He knew she meant well, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that the only way he could be strong for her, for his mom, and for his children was if he didn’t show the storm within his heart. As he finally walked into the room, he shut the door behind him. A measure of calmness filled the moment. That was until it was interrupted by Jack’s leap from the bed toward Ryan, forcing him to catch his full body weight mid-air.

“Let’s play, Daddy!” Jack exclaimed.

Peeling his son off, he set him back onto the bed beside Conner. Guilt over his lack of playfulness weighed heavy on his heart but he ignored it. The thought of playing and laughing had no draw to him. “It’s time for bed, boys.”

“Are you sad about Grandpa?” Conner piped up.

He tilted his head, quiet for a moment as he looked into his son’s eyes and attempted not to lose his ability to control his emotions. “Of course I am.”

“Me too.” Conner frowned. “I’m going to miss swimming with him. He made it fun to swim.”

Ryan’s heart ached with a pain so deep he felt as if death was an inch away. Shielding his sons from the pain, he forced a smile and nodded. “He made everything fun. Let’s pray.”

After praying, he kissed each of their foreheads, pausing for a moment longer than normal. He wanted to live in that moment, to never depart from their presence.

“I love you.”

Jack replied, “I love you too, Daddy. I’m sorry you don’t have your dad anymore.”

Fighting the urge to break apart in front of his boys, Ryan paused, composing himself. Then he replied, “Thank you.”

Once in the hallway, Ryan leaned his forehead against the wall and wept quietly. Whispers of the past and memories of time spent with his father flooded his mind and penetrated the very depths of his soul. His heart lifted an honest prayer in that moment, Why’d he have to leave us so early?

Ryan could feel the sorrow within stirring the ever-growing darkness that seemed to cast a shadow over his entire life. It was like a darkened lens that rested over every part, dulling the color and adding a tinge of gray. The battle with this darkness was fierce and moment by moment for Ryan. He felt irritated, sad, and unsure of everything.

His mother’s familiar voice carried from the kitchen and across the house to his ears. “Ryan.”

Wiping his eyes, he ventured down the hall, out through the living room, and into the kitchen where his mother was pouring two cups of coffee. Lifting her gaze to meet his, her lips curled into a fraction of a smile, her own pain evident in her eyes. “There you are. Here.”

“Thank you.” Taking the mug of steaming liquid, he took a sip.

She asked, “What time is your flight tomorrow?”

“Ten o’clock.” He took a seat on the stool at the island. Rubbing the rim of his mug with his thumb, he stared at the brown liquid inside. He didn’t want to leave Cedarwood Creek. Not now, not ever. Peering up at his mother, he lifted his eyebrows. “So, what’s your plan, Mom?”

Breathing deeply, she peered at the ceiling appearing to fight back tears. “To survive another day.”

“You can always come visit us in California.”

“I know.” She sighed as her eyes met his in the moment. “I don’t honestly know what I’m going to do at this point, Ryan. Your father was my entire world and now he’s gone. I know he’s dancing and having a good time in Heaven, but . . .”

Reaching across the counter, he touched his mother’s hand. “We’re not dancing.”

Wiping her eyes, she forced another smile. “Sissy wants me to come live with her in Buffalo, but I don’t know about that.”

“I see.”

“This song came on the radio right after your dad passed. I was on my way home from the hospital. It was called First Things First. It spoke to me in such a profound way in that moment.” She paused as she began to cry. Recomposing herself, she smiled through the tears as she continued. “I have to keep first things first and that means keeping my eyes and heart fixed on God.”

“That’s hard . . .” Ryan looked down at his coffee as he continued. “I thought earlier today about Romans 8:28, promising that all things work together for good. Hard to see on a day like today.”

She shrugged and took a drink of her coffee. “God doesn’t reveal the entire picture to us at one time, just the next step. Don’t forget that, son. It’s one step at a time.”