Page 102 of Chasing Home
I sniffle, furiously wiping at my eyes and cheeks. It’s hopeless. The tears don’t stop falling, and neither does the rain.
Mom doesn’t wait for me to reply before speaking again. “Lee and I were together nearly every day for three years. I was happy, sweetheart. He was everything I thought I could ever want, and he treated me very well. It might be hard to believe now, after everything you’ve seen and learned these past few weeks, but it’s the truth. When we broke up, I thought I’d never be able to be that happy again. It wasn’t until I found out I was pregnant three months after I saw him for the last time that I knew it was possible to feel that feeling again. With you.”
“Did he know?” I blurt.
“About what?”
“About me, Mom. Did he know you were pregnant with me?”
“After we broke up, he moved to Toronto?—”
I cut her off again, knowing that on a normal day, she’d have reamed me out for being so rude. “I don’t care that he moved. I just want to know if he knew.”
“No, he didn’t. I tried a million times to tell him. You’ve seen the stack of letters, Aurora. Every single one was returned to me without being opened. They were my only way of reaching him, and he refused to read even one of them. I couldn’t continue sending them once you hit the six-month-old mark. Every time I opened the mailbox and saw another returned, it broke that much more of me. I had to move on. And I did. I moved on, raised you by myself, and never paid Lee Rose another moment of thought. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. And for you. People change, even when we wish they wouldn’t. And sometimes, it’s for the worst.”
“You kept the letters. And the photo. If you were so done with it, why not burn them all?”
“I could have. I almost did on multiple occasions, but those letters, while painful for me to read and see, hold memories of you. Of every battle we faced and every milestone that I bragged to him about. Everything I have ever done has been for you, Aura. Every single thing. I’m sorry I’ve failed you with this.”
I’ve stopped trying to wipe my face dry. Every blink of my eyes forces more warm tears to mix with the freezing drops of rain. It feels like there’s a hole in my stomach, and with every word I hear my mom speak, it doubles in size. Despite all the things I wish I had, I never needed a father growing up. How could I have when I had a mother who filled both roles the way she did? But when I met my stepfather, I didn’t hesitate to let him in to take some of the weight from her shoulders. We formed a family made from love and care, not obligation and resentment. If Lee had opened those letters and come back into our lives, would I be able to say the same thing?
“He remembered you, Mom. I saw the look in his eyes when I mentioned you. For a second, I thought he recognized me too. Or at least that he saw something in me that made him believe the words I was saying. But I was wrong.”
“You have his eyes,” she says softly. “If nothing else, he would have recognized those pretty blues of yours.”
“Well, if he did, he didn’t care. He all but shoved me off his doorstep with a quick dismissal. I don’t know what I was thinking leaving Calgary.”
“Yes, you do. You wanted to learn about your history, and I’ve always known that one day, you may choose to do that very thing. It’s your right. I should have brought it up to you earlier, on my own. I’ve had thirty years to tell you about the other half of your family history, and I’m sorry that I never did. I’m sorry that I lied to you instead.”
I ignore her apologies for now, not trusting my emotions. “What are his parents like? I’ve been working with the Steele family in Cherry Peak, and they told me about them. Said I could meet them if I wanted to.”
“Bernice and James are still in Cherry Peak? You’re working with the Steeles? Who? Wade and Eliza?”
“Which question would you like me to answer first?” I ask, almost laughing at the rush of questions. “No, Bernice and James aren’t still in Cherry Peak. They’re up in Edmonton. Close enough I could go and meet them. And Wade and Eliza, I’ve been helping them with the ranch’s finances. Do you know them?”
“I don’t know them. Not really. But their names were on everyone’s tongues in that town for the short time I was there. They’re good people,” she answers before sighing. “The Roses are your grandparents just as much as my parents are. If you met them, I have a feeling you’d have a much warmer response than you did from Lee.”
“And if I don’t? I can’t take another rejection right now.”
“Then you walk out and don’t ever go back. I know it hurts right now, but you have to ask yourself if you’ll regret not meeting them and closing this chapter of your life or if you’ll be happy without knowing.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, sweetheart.”
I swallow, another wave of emotion swelling before drowning me in one fell swoop. “I’m sorry for not calling and for everything I sai?—”
“Oh, it’s okay,” she soothes. “I just wanted to know you were okay. You’re plenty old enough to take care of yourself, but you’re still my daughter, and I’m still your mom. I’ll always worry.”
“I was so mad at you. It felt like you betrayed me and that I’d lost something I never knew I’d even had in the first place,” I admit amongst the tears scalding my cheeks. “I don’t like secrets. We’ve never had them between us before.”
Her breath hitches, causing her reply to be wavered. “Your feelings are valid, Aurora. Anger is healthy, and so is pain. You just can’t bottle it up, or you’ll risk exploding from the pressure of ignoring it. I’m your mother, and I can take the hit always. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you so deeply.”
“Tell me what to do now,” I croak.
“I can’t, baby girl. You have to do what you need to heal from this. Do you want to come home, or do you want to stay and learn more about your family?”
“They’re not my family.”