Page 135 of Trusting You

34

Carter

I finally have the answer.

I have no pieces of my heart left.

Leaving Locke’s hospital room, knowing he couldn’t follow because he was too weak to walk, too tied down with tubes and IVs to fight, was probably the worst thing I’ve done.

I don’t walk away from people who are hurting, especially those I love.

Yet, staying—remaining—would only cause further damage.

We were both the walking wounded, finding solace in each other’s loneliness and pain. That isn’t how a relationship should start, nor could it survive.

Locke deserves his secrets; he’s entitled to protect his past, but when it comes to being with someone, to me choosing a person to be with for the rest of my life, I need to give all of myself. And he, whoever he is, needs to do the same in return.

I’ve learned so much about Locke—more in the last hour with Astor than within almost three weeks of living with him.

Locke lost his mother to cancer.

He hates hospital beds, same as I do.

He has a father he keeps at a distance.

He has an inheritance. A trust, with a lot of money that he’ll gain access to in six years.

He slept with Paige, as a bet, for a thousand dollars.

I wonder if Locke collected his money a few minutes after fucking Paige, or if he waited until the morning.

I’m silent on the car ride back to Locke’s place. Astor is in the passenger seat of the hired car and Lily’s been lulled to sleep in her car seat beside me.

And I can’t stop thinking about Locke and Paige.

When Locke and I…when we slept together, it was easy for me to forget about his past with Paige. Yes, Lily exists because of it, but I could categorize the two—Lily on one side, Paige and Locke having sex on the other. I could delete that column and still have Lily.

Because, I rationalized, Paige never loved Locke. And Locke, obviously, did not love Paige. That’s enough, isn’t it? To then sleep with the person your best friend slept with, too?

I groan, cover my face with my hands and shake my head back and forth.

I wish I asked more of Paige when she told me she was pregnant. I wish I’d prodded for more information when she told me the father was Lachlan Hayes.

I wish I kept my pants on.

Because now…

I look at Lily, her lashes dark tattoos against her chubby, rosy cheeks.

Because now I’m deeply involved, and not simply because of this child.

I think I’m in love with Locke.

Which is why, in no uncertain terms, I told him we couldn’t be together.

Too much damage. Too much hurt.

Way too much unknown.

I choose to be alone instead of vulnerable to a man who only wants to give the barest amount of himself.

I’m fucked up, too, but I was willing to share it all, with him. With Locke. I shared so much of myself already. I shared this little girl. I have a family that’s all but disowned me because I didn’t follow their path. I’ve lost my only, closest friend, forever. I have to give up a child I care for as if she were my own. I want her to be my own.

On a sigh, I stare out the window as we crest over the Williamsburg Bridge, the red-and-gold sky a backdrop to Manhattan’s glittering sunrise-soaked city. My hand rests lightly on Lily’s rising and falling chest. Too soon, my decision has to become real.

I have to leave them both.