Page 38 of One Last Time

“Ms. Moore, I’m Doctor Lessington,” the tiny woman says as she walks into the room. I give her a smile and turn my attention back to the screen where my baby is. I don’t take much notice as she takes the place of where the technician was and moves the wand over my belly.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as proud as I am at this moment.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Moore, but there’s no heartbeat.”

I stare at her. What the hell? Why is she saying that? The smile that has been on my face for the best part of two months falls. “Check again!” I demand, but deep down I know the truth, there was no whomping sound when either she or the technician waved the wand across my stomach, now that I think about it.

The silence in the room is deafening, I’m unable to take my eyes off of the screen. There’s no heartbeat, there’s no movement. My beautiful baby is lifeless inside of me. My heart shatters at the realization, but no tears fall. I’m struck immobile as I stare at the screen.

Bianca’s hand grips mine like a vice, and it takes everything I have not to break down right then and there. I’ve no idea what the doctor is saying to me right now, those three words are replying over and over in my head. “There’s no heartbeat.”

I don’t understand. I thought at twelve weeks everything was supposed to be okay? I mean, everything I’ve heard, expectant parents tell the world from when they’re twelve weeks. How is this even happening?

“How did this happen? Did I do something wrong?” I’m not even sure that I recognize my own voice right now. Why do I sound so scratchy?

Dr. Lessington shakes her head, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Ms. Moore. Your baby stopped growing at nine weeks. This happens commonly in the first trimester, usually due to a genetic abnormality that makes the fetus incompatible with life.” She sounds so clinical as though this is something she’s repeatedly told countless mothers.

Why does no one ever tell you about this? Hmm, if it’s common in the first trimester, why isn’t it known?

I try to swallow past the lump in my throat where a sob is lodged dying to be let loose, but it’s stuck, just as my tears are.

The doctor tells me that an advice nurse will be with me shortly. Advice nurse? Damn, that’s a joke. Advice about what? My baby is dead, there’s nothing to have advice on.

When the nurse finally arrives, she gives me her condolences. I don’t want them, I just want my baby. I’m numb, I don’t want to be in this clinic any longer. I want to go home, crawl into my bed and cry.

The nurse gives me all the information that I’ll need. Too much information. As the amniotic sac had continued to grow inside of me. I wasn't a candidate for the medication that I could take at home, so I could either wait for my body to naturally expel the fetus or schedule a procedure.

Fuck, I shouldn’t be doing this, this shouldn’t be happening. How can I make this decision? How on earth did this day go from being one of the best in my life to the absolute worst?

Eventually, I come to the decision to schedule the procedure. It’s scheduled in for a few days from now.

I don’t remember leaving the clinic or arriving back into our apartment. Everything is a blur. My heart is shattering into a million pieces, and I know it’ll never be whole. Once I’m in the apartment, I walk into my bedroom and curl up in my bed. It’s as though I’m on autopilot.

Finally, the heartbreak pours out of me. The tears come thick and fast as the sobs wrack through my body. I feel the heat of Bianca’s body behind me as she pulls me into her chest and slowly rocks me.

What did I do wrong? Why couldn’t I keep my baby? The sobs wrack through my body harder.

Oh God, how am I going to tell Silas? I know that he would have been happy that I was pregnant, but how is he going to take it that I lost the baby? My body shakes at the mere thought of having Silas hurting as much as I do right now? Maybe it would be best if I didn’t tell him.

I wasn’t able to save our baby, he’s going to hate me. I hate me. Why couldn’t I protect her? She should have been safe inside of me.

I’m never going to hold her. Never get to smell that baby smell. I’ll never be able to see her smile, to see if her eyes are the same as her fathers. I’ll never get to hear her voice.

My body bows as I cry out, the pain at never getting to know my baby is almost too much to take.

The best thing for me to do is to distance myself from Silas. I can’t hurt him anymore than I already have. I’m the reason his baby isn’t alive.

I can’t wrap my head around why this happened, what did I do wrong?

The tears don’t dry up even when I fall into a restless sleep. My dreams are filled with a little girl who calls me mommy.

CHAPTER 21

Silas

TWO WEEKS LATER

I’m standing in the locker room, and as usual my thoughts go to the woman I love. Two weeks, she should have been here two weeks ago. She's busy, she tells me, but things the past few weeks haven’t been right, she’s distant again, and I can sense that she’s pulling away. I feel as though I'm losing her all over again.