Page 40 of One Last Time
A hand clamps down on my back, “Everything okay?”
Inhaling a deep breath, I take just a moment to compose myself before turning toward Jack. When I do, I notice that everyone else has already made their way out of the locker room. “Yeah.”
He raises his brow, “Your girl?”
I nod, “Something’s going on with her, and she’s not talking to me about it.”
His eyes widen in shock, “Damn, man, I’m sorry.”
I shrug it off as though it’s no big deal. “She’ll be home soon.” I hope. I actually have no fucking idea when she’ll be home.
My body tightens when Jack frowns, his next words piss me off. “She’s in town, she arrived two days ago, you didn't know?”
No, I fucking didn’t. What the hell is going on?
“Shit, I’m sorry.”
I shake my head, “Nothing for you to apologize for. She seemed better tonight.”
He gives me a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Hopefully things work out.”
Yeah, I’m going to find out why she’s hiding from me. I thought we had figured this shit out already. “I need a fucking drink.”
He claps his hand on my shoulder, “Yeah, you do.”
Tomorrow, I’ll figure out what’s going on. I’m not going to make the same mistake again.
CHAPTER 22
Payton
The cool air wraps around me whipping my hair behind me, the sound of the ocean lapping at the beach is soothing to me. The darkness has set over Seattle, yet the lights from the city illuminate the sky. This is the only place where I feel peace. Being close to the ocean has always made me feel settled. I thought moving into this house after losing the baby would be hard, but it’s my solitude right now.
I still haven’t decided if I should tell Silas or not. A part of me thinks that I shouldn’t tell him as I don’t want to hurt him. Finding out that he was going to be a dad and then have that promise dashed is going to burn deep, and I love Silas too much to do that to him. But there’s a bigger part of me that wants to tell him; I feel that he should know. Although, I’m wondering if it’s for purely selfish reasons to have someone close to me feel this pain and help me through it.
I’m a mess, I know I am. I hardly eat, I can’t bring myself to sit down and do it. I don’t sleep, my dreams are filled with images of my baby, and it kills me that this is the only way that I’ll ever get to see her. I’m trying my hardest to push through everything, but sometimes the pain brings me to my knees.
I’ve been reading so many online forums, it’s a place I can go to unleash everything inside anonymously. But there’s still some people that are heartless fuckers that tell you to get over it, that the baby wasn’t alive. That it doesn’t matter as the baby wasn’t born.
IT FUCKING MATTERS!
MY BABY WAS ALIVE INSIDE OF ME!
I want to shout it from the rooftops, let those assholes know that no matter what, my baby mattered. To me, my baby was everything.
My heart is never going to be whole. My life is never going to be the same. The dreams that haunt me are filled with what could have been.
My thoughts are scattered between trying to move on and not being able to let go. I’m angry. So damn angry. Why did it have to happen to me? Why did my baby die? I had never felt so much happiness and love as I had in those eight weeks of knowing I was pregnant. I had started to plan my life, our lives. I had so many plans, and now they’re all dashed.
I glance at my watch and sigh. Ali will be here soon. Kelvin’s wife Ali has invited me to dinner, and I couldn’t say no. She’s taking me to a restaurant, saying she wants some girl time. I’ve been back in Seattle for a few days, and she’s come to see me both days, wanting to check in on me. She’s sweet, just like her husband, both of them look as though they belong on a runway. They’re gorgeous and even better as a couple.
I step into the house and close the door behind me. The only light that’s on in my house is the lamp in the sitting room; it’s dull light just bright enough to show me the way around the room. The room is spacious, a huge sectional sofa takes up a big portion of the room. I find myself sleeping there these nights, unable to bear crawling into bed.
I reach for my jacket and purse that I threw onto the sofa before I went to stand on my back porch. There’s a knock at the door, and I pull my jacket on as I move toward the door. “Hey,” I say, opening the door and see her standing there in a beautiful black dress and heels to die for.
Her smile instantly puts me at ease. “Hey, you ready to go? Our reservation is for eight.”
“Yeah, I’m ready.” I walk out of my house and she instantly links her arm through mine. “How are you?” I ask, I actually really like Ali. I tend to find women overbearing, especially due to constantly working with them, but Ali has a way of putting me at ease. She’s fun to be around.