Page 58 of Silver & Gold
“I’m sorry,” Seth gasped.
“It’s okay.”
They sat in silence for a long moment with the rain pattering on the cover. Everything was wet and uncomfortable. As Seth’s anger cooled, so did his skin. It pebbled with cold as the temperature dropped with the rain.
Stroking his thumb over Raider’s, Seth broke the silence with, “Can I ask you something?”
A wary look passed through Raider’s eyes. His hand twitched in Seth’s. But he said, “Yeah.”
“Why don’t you want me to read that book?” When Raider didn’t answer right away, Seth said, “Other people have read it, and you don’t seem that upset about it—”
Raider’s hand tightened. “I am upset about it, Seth. I don’t like it. I try to ignore it because I can’t do anything about it. And it doesn’t matter as much if they’ve read it because they’ll be gone from my life. But you … I don’t want you to be gone from my life.”
Seth’s heart swelled. They hadn’t talked about the future. It was so uncertain right now, and though Seth knew, absolutely, that whatever his future was, it had to include Raider, they hadn’t discussed what that would mean. And Raider had implied, that day outside Atri’s temple, that Seth should leave him. Though Seth had shut that down, this, now, was actually the first time Raider had said anything clear about wanting a future with Seth.
And yet …
“Why would it matter though?” Seth asked, an alarm tripping at the way Raider had led into that statement. “If I’d read the book?”
“Because …” Raider tried to take his hand back, but Seth clamped onto it. “I don’t want you to see me that way, Seth. I don’t want to see it in your eyes. It’s already bad enough. With the things you know. With the things you’ve seen.”
Seth didn’t like that. “Raider …”
“It would be worse if you read the book. There are things in there …” Raider tugged his hand again. This time, Seth let him go and let Raider cover his face. “I don’t want them to be what you see when you look at me. And I don’t want to see myself that way when I look in your eyes. Do you understand?”
In a way, Seth did understand that. Raider had spent ten years pretending that nothing had happened to him. He’d pushed it all away so strongly that he’d pretended to remember nothing at all of his life.
The problem was … that didn’t work. Raider’s nightmares were proof enough of that.
Seth said, “There’s nothing I could learn about you that would change what you are in my eyes.”
Raider’s hands dropped from his face, but Seth could see that he didn’t understand.
“Raider, what I see when I look at you is someone too fucking beautiful for this world, and I don’t just mean because you’re the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen. I mean because you have the most beautiful heart I’ve ever known. You’re kind. You’re generous. You’re fun. You’re so fucking brave you give me a goddamn heart attack at least once a week. Those are the things I see when I see you.”
Raider swallowed hard. Seth could see that those words had reached him, and yet he looked away. He said, “But you’ve seen other things too.”
“I’ve seen your pain, yes. I’ve seen your suffering. Why can’t I?”
“Because … it makes them real.”
“Oh, baby. They are real. You know they are. But so are the other things.”
Raider closed his eyes and took a shaky breath.
Seth said, “I understand that there will probably always be moments when it’s hard for you to look at me and know that I know what happened to you. But those moments will come whether you’re looking at me or not. And I’d rather you be looking at me, that you be with me, at times like that than be alone. Those moments will come and go. But the constant will always be that I absolutely love you.”
“Fuck, Seth,” Raider choked out. He pressed his hands to his eyes again.
“Gods, baby, come here.” Tears spilled from Seth’s eyes as he tugged Raider close. Raider opened to him, wrapping his arms around Seth and burying his face against Seth’s shoulder.
“I love you, Seth. I need you.”
More tears spilled from Seth’s eyes. “I love you too, baby—gods, you don’t know how much. And I need you too. I’ve been dead inside without you.”
When Raider lifted his head and started kissing him, Seth returned the kiss and fingered Raider’s wet hair, but he kept careful control himself. It had been a difficult conversation. He wasn’t sure what Raider needed right now.
Raider started unbuckling his vest. He nipped at Seth’s chest. Seth grunted. His hips lifted of their own accord. “Raider …”