Page 79 of Silver & Gold

Seth asked, “What are you thinking?”

“You already knew about this.”

“Only Kahzir’s speculation, which Julian told me. At the time, I assumed that you knew too and weren’t ready to talk to me about it. But you didn’t know.”

“I only knew there was something off about me. I never let myself look at it too closely.”

“There’s nothing ‘off’ about you, Raider.” When that got no response, Seth said, “Look, I didn’t feel like I could keep this from you, once I realized that you probably didn’t know.”

“And when did you realize that?”

“When I was talking to Tarjan. I could see it in his eyes. The knowledge. And I didn’t see it in yours.”

Raider tightened his crossed arms. He didn’t know how to react to this, didn’t know how to feel.

“Raider—”

“Is this why you got distant with me? After you talked to Julian. I knew something was wrong.”

“Damn it, no. The only thing that was wrong was that I was keeping things from you. And not just this thing but also my plans, as you now know. I felt guilty. That’s what was wrong. And … yeah, okay, I assumed you knew and didn’t trust me enough to tell me. I was trying not to let that bother me, but it did.”

“But that wasn’t even true.”

“I know that now. I made that up in my head. Because I’m paranoid. Because I always feel like you don’t really trust me.”

Raider’s shoulders hitched. “I do trust you, Seth.”

Seth studied him. “There’s a but. I can tell there is. You trust me in most ways … but. But what?”

Fuck, did Raider really want to talk about this? No. Absolutely not. But he needed to.

“You’re not the only one who’s paranoid, Seth. I … look, just let me say this, okay? Don’t get mad or interrupt me, or I won’t be able to finish.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

“I do expect you to leave me. I know,” Raider added quickly, “that you’re not going to. As in … I mostly know. But there’s this part of me that knows I’m not worth keeping. It’s one of so many reasons that I never stay anywhere. I always expect to get thrown out. I always expect other people to look at me and suddenly realize that I’m trash.”

Raider sucked in air around the constriction in his throat. He wheezed, “Don’t interrupt me. Just give me a second.”

“I’m right here,” Seth said in a strained whisper.

When Raider felt like he could continue, he said, “I always knew that Hassan would get tired of me eventually. I was a pretty toy for him. He told me that he loved me, which made me think I loved him. But he wasn’t actually that nice to me. He could be really shitty and mean, but I was used to that and didn’t expect anything different. I’m not saying he was a bad person. He wasn’t. I’m just … fuck, I know I’m tangling things.”

“That’s okay.”

“I guess … I just can’t get this part of me that says, Seth is going to realize what you are, to shut the hell up. And I know that’s coming from me, not you, but … fuck, it’s there. In my head. In every fiber of my being. And … shit, give me a second.”

Seth waited quietly. Patiently. There was a settled-in feel to him now. It hadn’t been there before. But he seemed to understand, finally, fully, that none of this was about him.

Raider went on, “And there’s this part of me that thinks …” He drew a shaky breath. “That thinks that what Kahzir did was … not right, I don’t mean that, but more … I guess, why wouldn’t someone do that to me? I mean, why not? I … ah, fuck, I don’t know what I’m saying now. It was so clear at first and now … shit, I don’t know.” He burst out, “I feel worthless. That’s what I’m saying.” Then, “Fuck, I hate talking like this. I don’t always think like this. Mostly I don’t. Not actively. But it’s always there somewhere. In the background.”

Raider felt dizzy. He felt sick. He bent over, bracing his hands on his knees as his stomach churned. He’d never admitted any of this before. Not to another person. Barely to himself.

Raider wished he felt like crying. He wished he could release everything that easily. But he couldn’t. He’d confessed, but everything was still there, as deeply entrenched in him as the quicksilver.

Seth seemed to know not to grab at him. Instead, he reached out and laid his hand on the back of Raider’s head. Seth was silent for a long while then said, “I don’t think I’ve ever had so many people that I want to kill.”

As Raider straightened, Seth’s hand drifted from the back of his head to his nape then around to rest lightly on his throat.