Page 88 of Silver Linings
“I don’t want to get used to taking comfort from you. That’s all I’ve been doing since Sage was born, and that’s not part of our agreement. You’re keeping us safe. Helping me get back on my feet. That’s all. And I need you to not touch me so I can keep all the feelings churning inside me at bay.”
“What the fuck, Lily?”
“Little ears, Gunner!” she gasped.
“I’m not sorry for being so blunt.” He ran his hand down her arm until he laced his fingers with hers. “That speech was complete bullshit and you know it. I am sorry that I wasn’t there with you when you needed me tonight, but you can count on me. I’m your husband. It’s my duty, and a privilege, to get to provide you with comfort, support, whatever the fuck you need.”
“Your duty,” she whispered, once again biting the inside of her cheek to stop the tears from coming.
“Stop, Lil. Stop trying to find a reason to push me away. I won’t let it happen.”
“I’m not pushing you away, Gunner. I’m telling you what I need. And what I need is for you to stop pretending this is anything other than what it is. You married me to keep us safe. And I’m so thankful for that. But you did not marry me for love. I will not get my heart broken hoping for more. Hoping that one day we will actually be a real family. Hoping that one day we will have the type of relationship that real husbands and wives have.”
Before Gunner could reply, Sage fussed. His hand was still gently running up and down her belly, and Lily didn’t want to take that comfort away from her, but she needed to have her daughter in her arms. Reaching into the bassinet, Lily lifted Sage and walked over to the rocking chair in the corner of the room. It was cooler by the window, and she shivered.
“Here,” Gunner took the blanket from the bottom of the bed and walked over to them, laying it across her legs before grabbing a pillow and setting it down in her lap. Lily must have given him a questioning look because he smiled before saying, “What? She’s rooting around. I know she’ll probably want to nurse, and you always nurse her on a pillow.”
“Gunner, please, I shouldn’t have called you to come. Go get that cut on your head checked. Or go home. I don’t care which. But please, don’t stay here.”
“I’m not leaving my girls, Lily.”
Sage fussed a little more and Lily adjusted her on the pillow, unclasping her nursing bra as she got ready to feed her.
“Can’t you see this is hurting me?” The tears were now running down her face. She closed her eyes and felt the rough skin of his finger slide across her cheek.
“Open your eyes, beautiful. Please.”
“Why, Gunner?”
“I’ve just been waiting for you, Lil. All this time, I’ve just been waiting.”
“What do you mean?” her voice cracked, fear of having too much hope laced in her words.
“This has always been real to me, sweetheart. We’ve always been in a genuine marriage. I’ve always wanted everything traditional from that. But I was waiting for you to be ready, too.”
“No…”
“Yes. From the moment I saw you standing in the kitchen at my mom’s house, before I ever saw you were pregnant, I knew it in my heart. You were mine. Being able to keep you safe from James…I tried to make it all about that because I didn’t want you to feel any pressure.” His warm hand landed on her cheek as his thumb wiped away another tear. “I didn’t think I could fall in love, Lil, but you made it so easy. Day by day, moment by moment, my heart belongs to you.”
“What are you saying?”
“I love you, Lily. I love you and Sage so much. I don’t want to lose you because you think this is only an arrangement to keep you safe from him. I want you to be mine. Forever.”
“But when we kissed…”
“I was an idiot. I was afraid to let you see how desperate I was for us to take things to the next level. When you pulled back, I thought you didn’t want anything more. Do you know how much it kills me to say good night to you and watch you walk into that fucking room across the hall from me? How I stay awake at night, tossing and turning, wanting to pick you up from your bed and bring you into mine?”
“It kills me too.”
Twenty-Eight
“Did you really mean it?” Lily whispered as Gunner set Sage down in her bassinet. They’d been released from the hospital as soon as Sage’s labs all came back clear. After giving them a list of emergency symptoms to look for, they were discharged.
Lily and Gunner had spent the rest of the time in the hospital holding hands. She didn’t want to let go. She didn’t want to sever the connection that was tenuously being held together by his touch and the hope in the words he’d spoken to her.
“Did I mean what?”
“That you were just waiting for me?”