Page 40 of Hiding from Hope

“Spill the beans, Case. You never give me the gossip. C’mon, is it someone I know?”

I shrug because I don’t even know if Grace remembers my friends, let alone their siblings.

“Well, we aren’t anything. We’re just friends. You remember Addison’s older brother Jessie?” I look up to her then and she nods through a mouthful of stew. “Well, I wanted to get some more book-binding supp—oh, shit!” I stand from my seat and mentally assess my belongings that I came to their apartment with. Dammit! I left my purchases… I don’t even know where. The seat where Jessie melted my brain? In the Uber?

“What is it?” Evan panics.

I hold my head in my hands for a second, frustration threatening to make me lose it completely before I remember that, right now, today, is not about me. It would just be nice if something went my way.

I take a breath and shake it off. All of that is replaceable. Maybe not the money I spent on it, but I can earn it back and re-purchase. “I bought some things, and I think I left them there. It’s fine. I’ll go again during the week and get some more stuff,” I say calmly as I breathe out, letting go of the irritation. The room goes so silent, and it isn’t until a fork clatters in a bowl that I look up.

“Grace.” Evan’s voice is soothing as he goes to stand, except Grace raises a palm to cut him off as she pulls her face into a scowl.

“No, I’m sick of it.” She slams the bowl down on the table and stalks straight for me. My heart lurches in my throat and she stands above me. “Stop it. Stop fucking doing that.” She points at me with so much anger, and I work to try to recall what I said, what I did?

“Grace… wha-what are you talking about?” I whisper because shock has lodged itself in my throat. I’ve never seen her react this way to me. She barely looks at me, let alone spends energy directing her emotions at me, at least not since we were teenagers. I struggle to wrangle my tear ducts into submission and remember that Grace is suffering a surge of hormones. This is just the hormones, not her.

“Stop molding yourself. Stop pretending. Stop trying to make a bad situation good. Be a mess for once in your pathetic life, Casey. No one cares if you aren’t the prim and proper princess. Just fucking exist in the real world for one goddamned day and get off your high horse. Just once!” Her tone gets progressively more aggressive and higher as Evan comes up gently behind her, gripping her shoulders and pulling her away from me. The fury in her face has tears pricking the back of my eyes.

I’m speechless. I—

“I… should go,” I say softly, my eyes never leaving hers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you Grace. I’m so sorry.” I blink back the tears, although some escape, and I quickly wipe them from my cheeks. Shock numbs me as I try to make sense of everything that just happened.

“Sure, leave.” She scoffs at me. “At least not being here is an honest decision.” I bite back the furious retort to that and swallow before I say a bunch of things I know I’ll regret. She is hormonal, it’s normal.

I nod at her and make quick eyes at Evan, who hits me with a sympathetic look before he pulls Grace into the bedroom.

I leave quietly and without any goodbyes.

I practically fall out of the elevator in our apartment building, slowly trudging around the corner, sleep pulling at my eyes, my brain, and my limbs. I fumble for my keys and there is movement—

“Jay!” I raise a hand to my chest. “You scared the crap out of me.” I try to smile, but the exhaustion must be evident on my face because the concerned look in his eyes hasn’t changed.

“You okay?” he asks softly. His hands leave his pockets to take the bags from my hands, along with the bag of—

“Oh my GOD! Is that my stuff from earlier?”

“Uhh, yeah, I was bringing it in for you, but I knocked and no one answered. Addy messaged, said she and Rosie were out tonight. I didn’t want to just leave it, so I figured I’d wait.” He shrugs and a blush hits his cheeks, my chest expands so rapidly that I might finally cry the millions of tears I’ve been desperately trying to hold back. “Oh, Ace, don’t cry. I’m sorry—”

“No, don’t apologize. I’m… I’m just wrecked. I need bed,” I say, and he grabs the keys from my hands to unlock the apartment, following me in and closing the door behind us. I don’t even register what he does with my belongings, or whether he locked the door before he left, only that I found my way to the shower, turned it to hot, and let go of every single tear that had been burning my eyes since that devastating phone call.

The hurtful things Grace had thrown in my face sting like a fresh burn. I feel buried under guilt and shame. Embarrassed that I’ve spent the last twenty-six years being a nuisance and a bother to her. Maybe that’s why she never connected with me? I have no idea where I went wrong or what I’m even meant to do about it. I just… I only ever wanted the best for her, only wanted to care for her.

I heave and strain over the body shakes that come with the full-on sobs, and I just let it out. Holding back nothing until there are no tears, no more sadness I need to expel, to leave only that aching numbness that follows a good cry. Under normal circumstances, I would make a cup of tea and get lost in a reread of a classic romance, but I can’t. I can barely dry myself without falling asleep.

Need. Bed.

I pull on an oversized T and tap on some under eye cream in anticipation of puffy eyes tomorrow and head back to my room, shocked to find the curtains drawn and all the lights off, save for a side lamp. That one lamp has the soft blues of my room shaded a warmer hue, and that intoxicatingly delicious scent of vanilla-sandalwood envelops the room.

“I thought you left,” I whisper across the room. Jessie stands, leaning against the door frame between my room and the hall that leads to the kitchen.

“I wanted to say goodbye first.” He stands, and I watch as his eyes trail my legs to the hem of my shirt, which falls to my upper thigh, and I watch as he flexes his hand by his side. I’m suddenly so glad he didn’t leave.

“Jessie?”

“Yeah, Ace?” His voice is rough but soothes and warms the numbness currently coating my body.

“You could stay?” He stares at me for a moment, and I take the few steps between us to close the distance. Close enough to see those gorgeous eyes, but enough space that we don’t yet touch. His eyes search my face, a few seconds of silence before he nods lightly.