Page 69 of Hiding from Hope
I’m a fucking coward. And I’m a mess.
She deserves so much better than me. Than this bullshit.
“How’s my little man?” I coo to Ollie as I bounce him in my arms. Matt and Ava’s dining room is filled with the smell of the Sunday roast we just finished, my eight-month-old nephew smiling and sucking on his balled up fist.
“Ready for his bath and bed, I think,” Ava says, clapping her hands and making baby noises at Ollie as she pulls him from my hands.
“You next, Jessie?”
“For a bath?” Addison and Riley basically choke on their water at my response to Mom’s question, but when she scowls at me, I bite back my smile and answer her actual question.
“Not even close. You have a better chance of getting one from Addison,” I throw back.
“Hey!” Addison scolds, but her smile beams. What was once a rarity is now common, and the tall, usually happy, currently ashen man sitting next to her is to thank for that. A satisfied smirk pulls at my lips at the way Noah’s eyes are bulging and a sheen of sweat builds on his forehead. Addison taps his thigh beneath the table, giggling when she gets a look at his face. “Oh, Romeo, don’t worry. I’m not having any of your gigantic babies anytime soon.” He nervously chuckles before gulping down his water.
“I think we’re just fine with the two silly kids we have,” Matt provides as he ruffles Mia’s hair, who is perched on his knee. She smacks away his hand and laughs.
“Uncle Noah, don’t you want to have kids like me?” She leans on the table, her hands resting on her chin as she stares deeply into his soul. Noah’s eyes go to Matt’s in pleading, but he just shrugs and lets the big idiot flounder.
Of course, Addison rescues him. “There are no other kids like you, kid.” Addy winks at Mia, who giggles and, unfortunately, turns her attention to me. “Are you going to have cousins for me, Uncle Jessie?”
“One day, kiddo. Can’t exactly do that on my own.” I mimic Matt’s gesture of ruffling her hair and she swats me away, that childish giggle filling my cold heart.
“Actually, you can. It’s 2024. Anything is possible.” Riley smiles at me and I roll my eyes.
“Wouldn’t want a child to suffer with just Jessie. They’d need at least one parent who is… nice,” Addison says and folds her lips into her mouth, trying to smother her laugh. Matt and Noah hide theirs in their drinks as Mom scolds Addison.
“Don’t be so cruel, Addy.” Addison just rolls her eyes. I see the very subtle gesture of Noah reaching an arm to Addy’s leg under the table.
Mom and Addy have certainly come a long way, but there is some awkwardness between them still. This is our first full family dinner in a few months, one where Mom has attended. Ava came up with the brilliant idea for dinner to celebrate the first day of December. The girls helped Mia decorate the Christmas tree and, now that Addy and Noah are back from Chicago, we had a little moment of giving thanks around a roast turkey as well.
“Golden child,” Riley mumbles, taking another swig of her drink.
“You get settled at Lucas’s, chaos?” I ask Riley, ignoring her rib.
Riley nods and settles into her chair. “Yeah. Still have some boxes to unpack, but it’s good. Huge room. The place is like one big loft. I think it was once an old warehouse. Has this incredible view over the city. You’ll have to come see it. I just don’t know about living with two dudes.” I nod, happy that she seems to be happy with the new digs, but also apprehensive about her living with two guys she barely knows.
“Don’t you have girl friends in the city?”
“I do. But living with them was never going to be a good idea. Plus, guys are a lot less drama,” she mumbles, and the entire table’s attention shifts to her. She looks up and sees everyone staring at her and rears back slightly, her arms wrapping around herself.
Riley has a history of some very shitty friends, but I thought that was just high school. I hadn’t realized this had carried over into her adult life.
“What happened with your friends?” I press.
“Nothing. We just aren’t those kinds of friends. I don’t want to be stuck in a lease if something bad happens. It’s no big deal.”
I analyze her for a beat and try to be… nicer. I am trying to stop being a dick to my sisters and keeping them at arms’ length. I am being… friendly.
“Can we not?” Riley grimaces and rolls her eyes before settling us all with a bored look. “With the loving looks and need to shower me with compliments. I know it’s coming and I’ll pass. I’m fine. I was only reluctant to live with two guys because it means I can’t walk around naked. At least they’ll be fun, and I won’t have to pretend to enjoy all that girl bullshit and gossiping that comes with living with women.” She finishes her drink and heads for the bathroom.
“Okay, Mia, Ollie’s down. Your turn.” Ava claps her way back into the dining room, breaking the tense silence.
“I got her.” Matt lifts Mia into his arms, who is obviously tired enough because she doesn’t protest and instead nuzzles into his shoulder. Matt kisses Ava delicately on the cheek as he passes her and Ava joins the table.
“How’s Casey?” she asks innocently, as though the way I have a little section of my heart carved out for her is obvious to everyone in this room. I blink at her question but stumble on my words. I open my mouth to say something when the chuckle Noah attempts to hide in his drink turns into him violently choking on it. Karma, fucker.
“Good, I guess.” I shrug, but can’t seem to make eye contact, focusing on my drink. “Ask Addison.” I’m still in obvious denial after over a month of sitting in ‘almost’ with Casey. I still haven’t told her what I’m feeling, but neither has she. We’d get hot and heavy and nearly everything pours from my mouth. In an effort to shut it down, I push her away and she lets me. Just accepting where we are and being persistent in exactly who she is. A solid rock. A reminder that she isn’t leaving.