Page 70 of Hiding from Hope
That she isn’t Jenny.
She is so much more than that.
“I see,” Mom teases from across the table.
“Yes, we’re still in denial,” Addison informs them.
“Indeed, we are.” Riley’s smile reminds me of the Cheshire cat as she returns from the bathroom.
“What the fuck are you all talking about?” I grumble and try to fist my hands to stop from fidgeting.
“Oh, please, Jessie. You’ve been in love with that girl since you were twenty-two.” Mom waves her hand and rolls her eyes, sipping her glass of wine.
“Ew.” Addison shudders, covering her face.
“I have not. I dated Jenny for years,” I retort, but somehow the thought of Jenny feels empty, like a distant memory that makes me feel nothing. No pain at not being enough, no despair for the years of loneliness, of a shattered future.
Well, that’s new.
“You existed with Jenny. But with Casey, well, you seem different,” Ava provides.
“How so?” I grumble back, the frustration evident in my voice as I try to grasp how the fuck we got into this conversation.
“Well, for one, you’re much more pleasant to be around,” Riley provides.
“Agreed,” Matt chimes in as he enters the dining room.
“You seem happier,” Addison provides.
“More… alive,” Ava says, her expression contemplative, and the room breaks out into a joint ‘mmm’ in agreement.
“I don’t need to listen to this.” I push off from the table and stalk for the bathroom. Some chuckles and tsking reach me from the dining room as I lock myself away.
My mood has nothing to do with Casey. Sure, getting through the day is easier when I know that when I get home, she’ll be there snuggled on my couch, or she’s either dancing in the living room, baking in the kitchen, concentrating on a re-bind project on the couch, or sometimes napping in her bed. And each time, it’s a gentle smile, a quiet, ‘hi,’ and a kiss that whispers, finally, every time.
Okay, fine, so maybe my mood has everything to do with Casey.
When I look up, I have to blink to bring my brain back to the present. Startled by my reflection because a smile is plastered to my face, my heart is calm, and it feels like it’s easier to breathe. Because I was thinking about the way her lips feel soft on mine, and how my head empties of every stress or worry when we lie together on the couch reading. When I question her about her plans for the studio, when she tells me about a horrible new coffee flavor she tried.
A chuckle works its way up my throat over a particularly fun evening with her only a couple days ago. We were at my apartment, ordered pizza, because she was too exhausted to be cooking, and she goaded me into trying some new acro-yoga poses. It had involved a few partner poses, and she had laughed her head off at my lack of flexibility and coordination, but when I finally got her upside down, her delicate hands squeezed in mine, I deliberately lowered my legs that held her hips, so I could steal that smile in a kiss.
Without meaning to, and without even noticing, all my good days had become hers. Every bad day had ended up with Casey wrapped up with me, under me, or on top of me, and I couldn’t see a part of my future where it wouldn’t always be her that I wanted there.
The slow realization has me blinking again and shaking my head, rubbing a hand on the pain in my chest, but more so, a pain of regret. Regretting making Casey exist in the unknown, not understanding what we are. She stuck by me even when I was a coward, and she deserves to know exactly what I was feeling. She deserves to have someone fight for her.
I throw the bathroom door open and roll my eyes so hard they nearly fall out of my head. The pack of hormones stands before me, Addison and Riley, in matching stances, with their arms crossed, while Ava stares knowingly up at me. Riley is closer to my height at five-seven, so she towers over the other girls, and I catch the waggling of her eyebrows as she hits me with a knowing look.
“I need to leave,” I mumble and try to push past them.
“To go and confess love?”
“To run away from your feelings?”
“To hide in your hovel and pretend no one exists?”
“Jesus Christ.” I run a hand down my face as they each throw me their thoughts. But after how long I’ve made Casey wait, I’ll be damned if I am telling them how I feel before telling her.
“Beat it.” I nod my head in the direction of the dining room, trying to rid myself of these buzzards. Riley and Ava scoff but file off back down the hallway. As I turn to head for the front door and slip out, Addison grabs my elbow.