Page 112 of At Her Pleasure
“Cyn.” Vera had sat down in Ros’s other guest chair, her proximity a sign of support, probably for her and Ros both. “This has got to be devastating to hear. We’re so sorry.”
“Except for Tiger’s instincts for criminal behavior, nothing about Mick supported this.” Ros set her jaw. “We liked him, Cyn. We liked him for you. Skye wants to have him skinned alive.”
“I’m sure Tiger can arrange that,” Cyn said absently. “With Lawrence and Neil for backup. Neil is particularly good with a knife.” She picked up another report, one from New Jersey PD. She saw his rookie picture, the young cop earnest and serious. He looked only a couple years younger than when they’d first met. Staring into his eyes sent a jolt through her, past and present gripping her in a short bout of paralysis.
“He was originally a police officer in New Jersey,” Ros said, summarizing the material for Cyn. “Though he officially resigned, he was suspected of being dirty. Taking money, making the contacts that led him where he is now.”
Vera gestured to the information. “Nothing can be pinned on him. He’s been pulled in several times, and they’ve tried to flip him. He insists he’s a club party planner. No amount of threats can rattle him.”
“He’s an extreme masochist,” Ros scoffed. “Of course threats don’t work.”
Cyn rose and moved to the wide panel of windows, gazing out at the branches of the live oaks. Tiny ferns grew in a line along one, and a squirrel was scampering among them.
So cute. That was the usual reaction to seeing a squirrel. She thought about the things Mick had told her, under the duress of a session or simply while holding onto her.
“Have you ever thought about a squirrel’s life?” she mused. “The daily struggle to feed herself, not be hit by cars, eaten by a cat or hawk. Relocating every time her places to forage and nest are cleared to build houses. And when she bears young, she has to keep them safe from countless predators.”
She watched the squirrel bounce forward to meet another squirrel.
“Most people we know can’t imagine what that’s like, what it does to you to be on guard all the time. You can find pleasure in life, in a good meal, in a warm place to sleep that’s reasonably safe, but you never count on it lasting.”
Proving her point, the two squirrels chased each other around the tree. They found time to play. Live. Because ten minutes from now, it might all change.
She thought of Mick sleeping in her backyard hammock, how he’d opened his eyes when she touched him. She’d read his gaze without him saying a word. You’re my home, because you might accept. Accept what no one else can. Or maybe should.
Over the few years she’d been working for TRA, Ros’s confidence in her judgment had been tested, because their business approaches were very different. Just like their styles of sexual Dominance. But what formed them, the foundations, were similar enough to help them…accept.
A lot of what she was about to say wasn’t going to make much sense, but their world was permeated with that, wasn’t it? Needs and cravings most people didn’t understand or acknowledge. As a result, understanding wasn’t always the primary goal. Acceptance was enough.
Acceptance was a gift beyond measure.
She turned and met Ros’s gaze. When they’d crossed paths, Cyn had been struggling to feed herself. Ros had never treated her as if she was superior, though. She’d recognized her as an equal, a fellow Mistress. And Cyn had grown into that expectation. She honored that bond now.
“I understand that squirrel’s life. Everything I get, for however long I get it, is a gift. I find what I’m looking for in the men who meet me in a world of pain, stay with me there until we both can draw an easy breath and face the world again. You gave me that, when you introduced me to that world. But it was Mick who planted the seed, a long time ago. He was the first man to drop to his knees for me.”
Even if, at the time, it was an emotional submission rather than a physical one.
“I need you to believe in my judgment on this.”
Cyn could see her boss weighing all of it. Vera was digesting it as well, and when she and Ros at last met gazes, they had an accord. “All right,” Ros said. “Then we do.”
Cyn let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. But now she had another choice to make. Mick said his life and the lives of others were in her hands. She’d still be respecting that, because she knew she could trust these women with the information.
Cyn moved to the door and closed it. Returning to the guest chair, she sat down and tapped the photos. “This is a cover. A really deep cover. Whoever dug this up for you, you can’t tell them that. Mick is leaving in a few days, and he won’t be back.”
She cleared her throat over the words. “If your contact asks you about it, tell them that I sent him on his way, thanks to their info.”
Vera looked at the scattered documents. “I do trust you, Cyn, but this…wow. How long has he been doing this?”
Too long, I think.
“About eight years. The cop part is true, though not the dirty part. Ten years ago, Mick saved my life. Not in some dramatic way, like pulling me out of a burning building, but he pulled me out of the natural disaster of my life. Gave me the means to get out.”
Her finger was passing back and forth over Mick in the photo. Noticing Vera’s bemused glance, she stopped.
“I know you wonder why I’ve never told you everything about my past. It’s not about trust. It’s about things it took me a really long time to pack up and put away, and once I got them there, all I want is to see the dust accumulating on them. No need to look at what’s in them anymore.”
Even if what was in those containers was toxic waste that still affected her heart and soul. But that was why she balanced that waste with what she valued in her life now.