Page 22 of Group Studies
I rolled my eyes, not that he could see it. “Saffron was high on my magic and Mercedes would kill me first.”
“She wouldn’t, it would destroy her future.” He rubbed my back in a comforting gesture. I waited to see if this would turn into an argument about joining Saffron’s harem.
“When I first came here, the students weren't very welcoming either,” Professor Garnet said lightly. “In Alchemy, Alchemist Blickenstaff had me make a potion which turned my skin bright purple for three days. I still see the pictures floating around Mêler occasionally.”
“Still?” I asked, pushing away from his chest to look at his face, though all I saw was the white sheet.
“Still,” he said, his voice full of humor. “At the time it got me an invite into the botany Coterie, randomly.”
I smiled, thinking of all the plants lining his classroom. For some reason gardening seemed like a fitting hobby. “Did you have a harem?”
“I didn’t,” he said, one of his hands absently rubbing my shoulder. “It took me a few years to get comfortable with physical intimacy again. Even now, if I’m not in control I, well, I don’t stay in the moment.”
I nodded and leaned against his chest again. “Is it wrong of me to still crave sex?”
“No,” Professor Garnet said. “It’s tied to your magic, do what makes you happy.”
“I can’t,” I growled, feeling the hypocrisy of the statement in my bones. I pushed away from him. “Isn’t that why I’m doing all this extra tutoring? Because transferring is wrong?”
I poked him in the stomach, hopefully it was his stomach. “Maybe I should stop thinking of myself as a vessel to be used, but my magic only works through other people. It doesn’t matter how much time you make me spend meditating. I feel it.” I pressed my palm against my heart, not that he could see it. “And if it only works through others, then it messes with their ability to make choices.” I hugged myself. “I’m fundamentally wrong. Evil lives inside me – at least according to the MA.” I huffed. “Who honestly feels just as evil to me. I don’t know what to do.”
God, now I wasn’t wallowing in my fear of it, I was starting to hate the concept of morality. Right and wrong. Good and bad. Why couldn’t they be as black and white as their names?
Professor Garnet pulled me back to him and rocked. “You’re not evil, the MA isn’t evil, there’s very little true good and evil in the world.” He kissed the top of my head. “Life’s about balance, you’re here to find your balance in whatever shape it takes.”
I narrowed my eyes. He still thought the key to my magic was out there. And maybe it was. He tried to kiss my cheek but missed and pecked my ear instead.
I wrinkled my nose, suddenly embarrassed about my outburst.
“The truth is, no one really knows the big answers,” Professor Garnet said. “We’re all trying to be happy. That’s all I want for you.”
My heart swelled. “I want you to be happy too.”
He stopped rocking us and traced my shoulders up to my neck, cupping both my cheeks in his palms. Even with the sheet between us, his lips burned when they met mine.
I pulled out of his grip, the cloth between us too funny to take seriously. Keeping my arms under the sheet, I lifted them up making ghostly noises.
“What does kissing a ghost feel like?” I giggled.
“It feels like kissing joy, Aphy. You make me happy.”
Heat rose to my face and I glued myself to his chest once more.
* * *
I sat in my favorite spot in the library, Ashe snoozing at his desk.
The smell of books filled my nose and the heat of the Professor’s arms still caressed my skin. We’d not gone back to meditating. He’d spent the rest of our session telling ghost Aphy about his years as a student here. I lapped up his stories.
The botany Coterie still existed. I toyed with the idea of joining it. A way to get closer to him without us physically being together, but for now, I couldn’t.
Operation DUMP had to pan out. I needed to stay focused.
As badly as I wanted the professor to be right about finding the key to my magic, he wasn’t. Every morning I woke up with more power inside me raging to get out. If it had a way to escape naturally, it would’ve happened by now.
If I couldn’t transfer magic into people because it affected their free will, then I had to stick it in something that wasn’t a person. Even if it was technically illegal, at least it didn’t feel as morally wrong.
I stopped my cycle of thoughts before my brain melted. The library came back into focus, along with the opened book on my lap: The Energy of Auras, Exploring Wild Magic in it’s Bestile Form.