Page 71 of Racing Hearts

I thought he was my forever, but for him, I’m just his present, and it hurts.

Lally and Tommy are snoring. She’s on the floor, between our beds, our hands still linked as I stare at the ceiling. I should be worried about the police and the bodies, but all I can think about is my aching heart.

It’s breaking, and I hate it. I know they are right.

I either have to love him fully or let him go. There can’t be any in-between. I need answers, but I’m scared to get them because I know it will mean the end of us.

My phone buzzes, and I turn my head, checking it.

Alek: I’m sorry, Evan.

I snort and look away. He’s sorry. He’s always sorry. It’s Alek’s move. He breaks it and then tries to fix it. He’s so focused on protecting his family and his life, he doesn’t even seem to care about his own heart and fixing that.

I know Alek is hesitant for a reason, and I know a little about his past. I thought I could wait and maybe fix him, but you can’t fix people who don’t want to be fixed.

Some people want to remain broken because it’s easier.

I know I’m young, but even at my age, I know there will never be another Alek Anders. He was born to be mine and be loved by me. We were born to be together, but this world is cruel and it tears apart happiness, and sometimes love isn’t enough.

It can’t change everything.

I loved my parents, even through their prejudice and hatred, and they still rejected me.

I loved my friends through their confusion, and they still walked away.

I loved a man through his hesitancy, and it did nothing but pull us apart.

I loved myself even when others said I shouldn’t, and I’m still here, hurt and wondering why I’m not good enough.

I’m just so lost.

How the hell am I supposed to have this all figured out like everyone expects? I’m supposed to have a dream and follow it, but also work hard, have fun, and enjoy life without making mistakes. I am supposed to love but not too much or too openly. This whole life is a contradiction, and it’s so fucking exhausting sometimes just to be alive. I’m trying to figure things out and find my way, but it just feels like I’m failing all the time and doing everything wrong. I’m standing still where I am, while everyone else is moving on.

I just want Alek to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay, but I can’t even have that.

I can’t even have the man I love. Isn’t that some bullshit?

THIRTY-FOUR

“Ican’t believe they are partying after everything.”

I lift my head from the kitchen table, where I had been aimlessly staring at my phone, hoping Evan would call or text. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday when he said he needed space.

Well, he’s had some, and I fucking hate it. I don’t want space. I want him.

“Who is?” I murmur. I forced Alice to move back here. I don’t know what the fuck is happening on her campus, but two people are dead, two people who harassed her, and I want to keep her as safe as possible. She’s the only thing in this world I care about—well, her and Evan, who is currently ignoring me.

“People at our school. I mean, seriously, what kind of—oh shit, is that Evan?” I’m up and over the sofa in an instant, grabbing her phone. She yelps and tries to take it back. It’s an Instagram story panning around a party, and my eyes narrow.

“Where?” I ask.

“Maybe it wasn’t . . .” She trails off when we see Evan. He’s laughing and surrounded by his friends. Some guy has his arm around his shoulders and is leaning into him, and I see red.

Leaping up, I point in her face. “Text me the address and do not leave this fucking house. Lock up after me.” Snatching my keys, I rush out the door and climb in my car a moment later. Jealousy and anger fuel me as I pull into traffic, almost backing into a car.

I check my phone and put in the address. It’s on the other side of campus, and I fume the entire drive.

How can he ignore me and then go out and flirt and hang on some other guy? He said he needed space, and he’s doing this? Yeah, it pisses me off, but it also makes me so jealous I can barely see straight. I don’t even park when I pull up. I just abandon my car and storm inside. People move out of my way, no doubt seeing the look in my eyes and not wanting to fuck with me.