Page 89 of The Player's Club

Now, over a decade later, I was talking to a gravestone. I might be the crazy one after all, I thought darkly.

I wiped my mouth and returned to my rental car. But I knew I was in no fit state to drive, so I dozed in the front seat until I sobered up. Once I was good to drive, I headed out. When I parked in front of my parents’ church, staring up at its austere steeple, I wasn’t even sure why I’d come.

Did I think this place would give me the answers I’d always sought? I doubted it. I’d twisted myself into knots, trying to fit into the mold religion and my parents wanted, but it’d never been enough.

I went inside. I told myself it was to get a bottle of water from the vending machine, but when I wandered upstairs to the church offices, I wasn’t surprised to find Mom up there. She didn’t look surprised to see me. She just clucked her tongue and pointed at a chair. “You look terrible,” she said.

She was handing me water and a granola bar before I could even ask for them. I drank and ate in silence, Mom standing over me, a resigned expression on her face.

“Your coach called me,” she said after I’d finished.

“What?”

“You have people who are looking for you, Mac. What are you doing here in Idaho when you have a game today?”

I let out a pathetic laugh. “I thought maybe you could tell me.”

“You can’t run from your problems. You know that.” She’d always said that to me. You can’t just leave. You can’t just run away. You have to face what you’re afraid of.

But was leaving always due to fear? I’d left Idaho because there’d been nothing for me here. I’d left my family because they’d never understood me.

“I went to see Caroline,” I admitted.

“I figured.” My mom shook her head. “That woman. I won’t say out loud what I think about her, but let’s just say if I did, I’d be losing treasures in heaven.” That made me smile a little. Mom had always refrained from saying aloud her worst thoughts for that very reason.

“Mac, I’m not going to say that what you and Caroline did together was right,” Mom said slowly. “I still don’t understand it. Your dad definitely doesn’t.”

At the mention of Dad, I tensed. “I didn’t come here to get lectured.”

“You seriously came to church and didn’t expect a lecture?” Mom let out a laugh. “Cole Mackenzie, you always were a special kid, I’ll give you that.”

I scowled. “You know what I mean.”

“I know you’re hurting. I know you’re confused. I know you thought you loved that woman.”

“I did love her.”

“I’m sure you did.” Mom let out a sigh. “‘Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres,’” she quoted.

I groaned. “Please don’t quote Bible verses at me.”

“You’re in a church. Do you see how many Bibles are sitting right behind you?” I glanced over my shoulder. There were too many Bibles to count. I felt the weight of them, staring at me, judging me.

“If Caroline had loved you, she would never have tempted you,” Mom was saying. “Real love would’ve meant understanding that an affair would hurt everyone.”

“I’m not saying our relationship was healthy—”

“Relationship?” Mom let out a sad laugh. “You were just a child. Yes, a child. I didn’t see that at first, and I’m sorry for that. More sorry than you’ll ever know. You were always so mature for your age.”

Tears started in Mom’s eyes. Guilt hit me like a punch to the chest. “Please don’t cry,” I pleaded.

“I love you so much, Mac. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I just want you to be happy.” Mom wiped her eyes, but the tears kept coming. “You know, all those times I called you after you left? I couldn’t tell your dad. I had to use Glenda’s phone here in the office so he wouldn’t catch on. He’d forbidden me from contacting you, and I just couldn’t do it.”

I’d had no idea. More often than not, I hadn’t even picked up the phone when Mom had called back then. I’d seen an Idaho number, and I’d ignored it.

“Real love doesn’t hurt people. Love is about respect. Do you think Caroline ever respected you? Because I’m not sure she did,” Mom said.

I didn’t know what to say. I’d been so caught up in the emotions of our relationship that I might’ve mistaken lust and obsession for love. My brain felt like it was complete mush. Mom got up and put a hand on my shoulder. “I hate to see you like this, son,” she said quietly.