Page 23 of Sinned

At exactly seven o’clock I knocked on his door. My chest ached as I entered and he kissed my forehead. Charlie was in jeans and a blue t-shirt. I was glad he wasn’t in black.

In the corner was a small card table he must have borrowed from Ramon. On the table were take-out containers of food.

“Where did you get dinner from?” I asked.

“I borrowed Ramon’s car and drove to the next town over. Some of the guy’s who have been helping out here told me about a small family restaurant there. They said it’s very good. I thought we should have a nice meal.”

“Before you go?” I asked.

He looked away from me for a moment, but then wrapped his arms around me. As our eyes met, he caressed my cheek with his fingers.

“You have no idea how hard this is for me,” he said. “I want to stay here with you, I want to be with you. But I can’t.”

“Why not?” I asked.

I wanted to understand how he felt and on some level I did. But I didn’t like it and I didn’t want to agree with it. And knowing what his reason was going to be ignited my anger. Without him saying anything I knew I needed to protect myself.

I pushed him away and folded my arms across my chest. I didn’t want to be held by him while he was doing this.

“Let’s just eat and we can talk about it later,” he said.

“No, we’re going to talk about this now. I can’t eat knowing you’re leaving. I can’t sit here and act like you’re not breaking my heart.”

Even though I spoke them, the words stuck in my throat, choking me.

Fuck! I thought. The last thing I wanted was to tell him he was breaking my heart.

“That’s why I have to go,” he said. “I never expected any of this. I didn’t think I would...”

His voice trailed off and he turned from me.

“You would what? Don’t just clam up. You think I don’t know what this is about?”

“Ava.”

As he reached for my hand, his eyes pleaded with me.

“No. Don’t Ava me,” I said, snapping my hand away. “You think what we did was a sin. This isn’t about sinor being damned, this is about you and me. Admit it, you are just a man.”

“I am not just a man, I am a priest.”

I threw my hands up and stormed towards the door.

“No, please, Ava, hear me out.”

His hand closed around my hand and my will crumbled. I blinked back tears as he turned me to face him. He might hurt me, but I refused to let him see me cry.

“You could never understand the call I got to become a priest. It was profound and it changed my life. When I was ordained I promised celibacy and I never had a second thought about it. I knew I could live without sex. What I didn’t know was that I would meet someone like you.

“What I feel for you is more than just sex,” he said. “We have an intimacy that I never understood before. I never felt about anyone the way I feel for you. But it still doesn’t make it right. Ultimately I am a priest. I will always be a priest.”

“So you think this is a mistake?” I asked, ready to fight again.

“No, but I don’t have a choice.”

“How can you say that? You can leave the priesthood. You can do whatever you want.”

Even as I said it I knew it wasn’t who he was. Charlie was a man of his word and he gave his word to God. I didn’t have a chance.