Page 24 of Sinned

He shook his head sadly as his eyes searched mine. He didn’t have to tell me what he wanted. I knew him well enough to know he wanted me to understand. But I couldn’t. And even if I could, I refused to.

But.

But the more I thought about it, the more I knew he had to leave. I didn’t want to be his second choice. And worse, I didn’t want to be his confession.

“I don’t want to be a regret of yours,” I said. “Just please don’t tell me you regret any of this.”

He held me tight as my tears finally won and spilled down my cheeks.

“I could never regret you. I’ve never been more sure of anything than knowing you belong to me. But I have to go.” He stroked my hair as he let out a long sigh. “I’m leaving in the morning. I thought it was better that way.”

We spent the rest of the evening talking like we always did. He never mentioned leaving and I was happy to push it out of my mind. But as it got later, I stood up to go.

“Please stay,” he said. “It’s our last night together and I want to be with you.”

I nodded. I couldn’t speak, but if I could I would have told him I wanted nothing more than to stay the night with him. As I was standing there, he began undressing me, kissing each part of me as he revealed it.

I loved his touch and the feel of his lips on my skin, but all I could think about was how tomorrow he would be gone.

He took my hand and led me to the bed where he undressed and then laid beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and I held onto him tightly.

I wanted to tell him not to go. I thought about pleading with him to leave the Church and stay with me, but I knew it wasn’t right. I would rather deal with him leaving now, than him later regretting staying with me.

As I looked up at him, he looked at me with sadness in his eyes. I knew it wasn’t an easy decision for him to make, it certainly wasn’t easy to hear. But I loved him more just knowing that he was trying to do what he thought was right. And despite the fact that he was leaving in the morning, I thought he loved me too.

We spent the night in each other’s arms, softly caressing each other, and kissing. Even though neither of us wanted to waste time sleeping, eventually we both fell asleep.

* * *

I woke to find his side of the bed empty. I pulled the covers up, trying to hide his not being there, but my heart knew better. It ached as it pounded heavily for him. I hated myself for feeling weak when I always thought of myself as strong.

“Are you awake?”

I turned towards his voice as he rose from the chair in the corner.

“I thought you had gone,” I said.

“I would never leave without saying goodbye.”

As he sat on the edge of the bed, I couldn’t help but notice he was wearing his black slacks and clergy shirt. His collar was in place.

I pulled the sheets around me as I sat up and he pulled me closer to him.

“I wish I had met you before I became a priest,” he said.

“We would’ve never met if you weren’t one.”

He nodded sadly then kissed my forehead. His eyes met mine and I wondered what he was thinking.

This is the last time I see those pale blue eyes, I thought.

Did he love me? He hinted at it, but he never said the words. And neither did I. Somehow I knew he did just as I hoped he knew how I felt too.

I forced a smile as he stood. I wrapped the sheets around myself as I got off the bed. He bent down and kissed my lips, letting his lips linger. I had to fight the urge to grab him and make him stay.

“I don’t want to leave you,” he whispered, his lips barely touching mine.

I swallowed hard. I knew what I needed to say, I just didn’t want to say it.