Page 121 of Borden 3

She stopped a good distance away, her face still obscured by the darkness. Pain laced her voice as she said, “He’s damaged, darling, of no fault of his own. He’s hurting, and he’s not to blame for that, either. But if you go, he will damage you. He will corrupt you with his pain until you’re one and the same. I beg you, don’t leave!”

Tears slid down my face. “I told him I’d never leave him.”

“Emma—”

“I’m not leaving him!”

Before she could say another word—before I could even talk myself out of this—I turned away and ran. I fled from the house, her broken shouts cutting through the air, fading in the distance as I ran with that heavy backpack pounding against my spine.

I went to him.

???

The tracks ran through the city. There was a patch of land with trees behind some rows of houses that was quiet. We’d walked down the tracks some nights, stopping at that exact spot. The trees would sway, and the rustling of leaves became a sense of comfort as we sat and pulled weeds from the ground, talking.

Rather, I would talk. Theo would usually listen. Sometimes, he would offer some things about himself. Parts about his life. How he’d been loved once. How he’d lived in a nice home and that he had been close to an Uncle that taught him how to box and go hunting.

As I crept to this spot now, I thought of those memories. My entire body was slick with sweat. My body hurt, but my heart hurt worse. I took my time moving, doing so when a random car zipped past a nearby road.

I didn’t want him to see me approach.

I needed this moment of clarity where I could look at him without him knowing he was being observed.

I saw him straightaway.

He was standing on the edge of the tracks. He didn’t have a bag. He simply wore the clothes on his back. He stood so still, staring at seemingly nothing, I almost thought he was a mannequin. But then there was a slight move of his head, the tap of his fingers against his leg, and then it felt a little eerie.

My stomach churned. A tightness settled there. A warning perhaps. Or a reminder that I didn’t really know all that much about Theo. Well, I didn’t know where he came from, but his actions…

One minute I could believe there was something genuine and true in him.

The next, I saw darkness, and this strange fixation he had when he faced a challenge with this disconnected look in his eye.

Hot and then cold.

A lie and then a truth and now I didn’t know what was real or make belief.

I stood behind a tree, watching him for so long, knowing in my mind that I was going to go to him and that was it.

Yet my legs would not move.

My heart clenched and unclenched. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I wasn’t being a coward. I could physically do this, I could. It was just…

Do I really want to?

Was the unknown all that it was cracked up to be? Or was I just running away from the problems, my defiance stopping me from seeing the true damage I was inflicting on anyone who tried to help.

I looked at Theo and my soul screamed for him. I wanted him to be okay. I cared for him deeply. I loved him, even.

But I loved him only as a friend.

He severed something deep in me at the bastion.

My feeling of safety.

My trust.

And if those things were severed just once, wasn’t once enough?