Page 34 of Renegade Kings
And I felt like a complete dick. She’d been through so much and I was piling more on top of her. There was only so much a person could take, and I was hoping like hell that she was stronger than the rest of us. Because we couldn’t do this without her. We couldn’t save the innocents of our realm who deserved far more than we’d given them so far.
“You… I thought I could trust you, Rhidian. That’s the one thing I can’t get out of my head. I never thought you’d be the one…”
“Neither did I,” I cut in. “If there was any other way, I’d have taken it. For a long time, it was all I could think about. And I searched. Fuck, I looked everywhere for even the smallest piece of hope, to save you from…” I couldn’t even bring myself to say it. Couldn’t make myself admit to just how much I’d failed her. “I’ve watched them die for so many years, Alyssa. After a while, it chipped away at the very centre of me and the denial, the hope, it just wasn’t enough anymore.”
When I could bring myself to look at her, to face the hate that I so rightfully deserved, I didn’t find it in her expression.
She looked like she understood.
And I hated that more than I would have thought possible. It was so much worse. Because she accepted that this was the most I was capable of. That I’d searched and failed and it was all she could expect from me when I wanted to be so much more. It wasn’t a look I’d ever wanted to see in her eyes. Not when she was looking at me.
“So… what’s next?” She didn’t even sound sad about it. Alyssa wasn’t resigned to her fate. She saw her path, and she was preparing to take the next step.
This was the woman I’d known all those years ago.
“We have a force here, but it’s small. We need to strike where we can not only be the most effective, but also where we can gather more to our cause… the Autumn Court.”
Alyssa rolled her eyes, and I resisted the urge to laugh. This was usually where the talk turned to how we were going to fight. What we needed to do to take down the one man who plagued the realm. It wasn’t where someone looked at me like I was a naïve young faeling, even if that was how I felt most of the time.
“You have a group of frightened villagers, Rhidian. We’d need soldiers to do something like that. At best, you have rebels. You can’t think battles, you have to think smaller. For now, at least.”
She… had a point.
“How have you just walked back into this world and cut straight through what we’ve been agonising over for months? Wasn’t the human realm supposed to have made you soft?”
She laughed quietly, turning back to the empty fireplace, which made my fingers itch with the need to build a fire there. To give her this one small thing she needed right now.
“I’ve had decades of solitude to think about all the ways to kill him, Rhidian. After the first few, it started to get real specific.”
We’d all been dreaming about the death of Arik, but she had a point. She wanted it so much more. Alyssa had been close enough to drive a blade through his heart before all of this had even begun. It wouldn’t have even been questioned if it had happened in the Summer Court. That sort of thing happened all the time in the palace forged by flames. And it would have saved the world so much pain. I could see why she’d obsessed over every tiny detail for years. Out of everyone in Nymeria, Alyssa knew Arik up close and personal. She’d spent time with him. Probably spoken with him. And with how she’d been back then, she would have watched his every move and catalogued it away.
Knowing Alyssa like I did, she probably hated herself for that. Because all that watching and learning, he'd still had the opportunity to do what he did to her people before turning his gaze to the rest of Nymeria. She’d no doubt spent all these decades blaming herself and there’d be no convincing her otherwise.
“Small and targeted will take too long,” I pointed out, hating that I was the one showing her the flaw in her plan, especially when it was about this. “We only have so long to fulfil the prophecy, Alyssa. We can’t afford to lose the only chance we have of putting him down for good.”
“Hmmmm, the prophecy.” I could tell she had more to say about it, but I couldn’t bear to hear it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “If there had been another way. If there had been a chance that I could… They’re all dying, Alyssa. I can’t even figure out what the purpose is. What he stands to gain from all this death. I can’t… I can’t take it anymore.”
And there it was. The selfish truth behind the whole thing.
At first, I thought she was ignoring me. She barely moved as she stared straight ahead. Then I saw the single tear that slid down her cheek and my hands gripped the arms of the chairs as I stopped myself from reaching out for her.
“All these years, I’ve hated myself for running. Deep down, I knew he wouldn’t stop at just the Spring Court. I convinced myself that it was for the best, when really I left my people to die here in my place. I should have stayed and fought. Come back sooner. Fuck, I should have… done something, anything.”
“It’s not your fault.” I wanted to reason with her, but I knew there would be no getting through to her. Yet, there was one fact she was completely overlooking. “All of your people died in the first attack, Alyssa. Your responsibility stopped there. You had no one left to fight for. If the other courts knew, if they even suspected, it’s on them, not you. If anyone here holds any of the blame, it’s me. I left the Summer Palace looking for my place in the world, but if I’d stayed, I could have stopped it. I could have warned your parents about what was coming.”
Her head snapped in my direction and I realised she hadn’t even considered this. In all those years she’d beaten herself up for her failings, she’d never considered what everyone else should have done. Then she sagged in her seat like the fight finally leached out of her.
“The past doesn’t matter anymore,” she told me softly. “There was so much we all could have done differently, but we have no way of knowing if it would have made any difference. The only thing we can do now is look at what comes next.”
She frowned as she looked at me, her eyes darting back and forth as she stared into my eyes. “I need to ask you for something.” When she paused, I was actually stupid enough to have some hope that she might actually want the same things I did. “If I accept my place in all this. If I go along with whatever plan it is that you and Fizzle are still keeping from me, I want your word that you’ll do whatever you can to save them. The guys came here to save their brother. I couldn’t give that to them, even if I refuse to give up trying. They don’t deserve to die in this world. I’ll do what you want. I’ll fight whatever battle you need me in, but we need to save them, to separate them from whatever is coming for me.”
“Tank is your king, Alyssa.”
“I know that,” she snapped. “But there has to be a way to change that.”
“You’re mates, and the bond must have already started forming. It comes with a cost and you knew that. This is it.”