Page 68 of Renegade Kings

“Feel it,” the wolf whispered inside my mind. “Find the magic and feel it.”

“Sure, because it’s that easy,” I snarked, rolling my eyes at myself because this was a touch too close to talking to myself for me to really be comfortable with the whole thing.

“Feel it!” the wolf snapped.

“Wow, so you’re a dickhead, too. The others are going to kick us out when they realise how much of a pain it’s going to be being around us.”

“Mate would never kick us out. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do as you’re told.”

So, the alpha was trying to alpha himself. That wouldn’t slowly drive me over the edge.

I wanted to pout, or at least do as the damn wolf was saying and prove to him that he was wrong. Of course, he wasn’t. And now I was robbed of the victory of being a failure and had to accept that he might actually know what he was talking about.

It was still there, just beneath the surface, the same as the wolf was. Now that I was thinking about it, I could recognise the changes in my body, or at least the subtle shifts in how I felt in my own skin. It was difficult to separate from the wolf because they were both so new to me, but he was more in my mind while the magic simmered and sparked deep in my chest.

Closing my eyes and trying to convince myself that I didn’t look like an idiot, I sank into that feeling. A rush of happiness surged over me and I knew it was coming from her. This was the bond. But beside it, there was something else. Something that had expanded to cover that bond like a protective layer. It felt cold, like dipping your hand into an icy lake in the winter. The coldness edged towards a hint of pain, but I knew with more certainty than I’d felt before that it wouldn’t ever try to hurt me.

The wolf smiled. His calm patience felt foreign as he nudged me to follow the feel of magic even deeper inside myself.

My eyes opened, and I lost the trail I’d been following in my mind. Cautiously looking around, I tried to figure out what had made me snap back to reality.

Cocking my head to the side, I listened, even allowing my wolf to reach out and listen in his own way. There was no one here. Nothing moving closely enough that it could be considered a threat.

Yet something had changed.

Cautiously, I sat down on the soft sandy ground we’d washed up on and waited. When nothing came, I wasn’t sure what to do next.

“Train, and stop getting spooked by your own magic,” the wolf scoffed.

If I could throttle him, I would. It wasn’t lost on me that most people felt the same way about me.

Gritting my teeth, I closed my eyes again, and tried not to think of how I must have looked like a petulant child, as I sank back into the feeling inside.

It didn’t take long for me to feel like I was submerged in the cold. I could feel the touch of frost against my skin, even if I wasn’t sure if it was real or not.

“Now push it out,” the wolf said, like that was enough information.

Push it out? How did you push something that wasn’t a physical, solid thing?

The more I thought about it, the more I lost the icy feeling swirling around my body.

“Stop thinking!” the wolf snapped.

The magic completely fled me at that point, and I growled in frustration as my eyes snapped open again.

This was impossible. There was a reason people had teachers for this sort of thing. You couldn’t just figure this stuff out for yourself. Why was I even trying to do this on my own?

I stared out across the water again, wanting to feel the peace I’d had when I first got here, but finding it eluded me completely. The frustration built to anger, and I knew this was why I didn’t want to have others around me while I tried to figure this whole situation out. Because when I couldn’t do something, my first instinct was to lash out. It was better that I was alone. Alone was safe, not just for me, but for them.

The wolf laughed inside my head and I thought he was going to be one more piece of myself that I grew to hate.

“You and mate are the same,” he told me. “Always thinking alone is safe. You need to lean on your pack. Let them be your safe.”

He was right. I already knew that. It was the same argument I’d tried to give when I found my place with Damon and the others. And all these years I’d never been able to actually do it.

I was so broken I didn’t even think I had all the pieces to put back together anymore. I wouldn’t recognise myself if I did. It had been that long.

Fuck, this was turning into a pity party of epic proportions, even for me.