Page 106 of Blinded By Love

Now all I feel is dread for what I’m about to do but I need to leave.

I need to run.

“How many days has it been?” I ask Hayden.

“A couple. You’ve been gone since Monday.”

It’s Friday.

Calvin is on a work trip. He’s coming back on Sunday.

What the hell am I going to say to him?

How to explain to him that my entire world fell apart and left me utterly broken and empty?

I can’t cry because all the tears were wasted on that first day. They were wasted when Eric came in and ruined me, multiple times.

And they did all that because of Hayden.

All for some silly little fighter and his silly little girlfriend.

“Jaclyn.” I look up at Hayden and see him holding a container of plain pasta in his hand. I don’t want to eat. I can’t. I feel like I’m going to throw up again. I shake my head and look down at my hands. Hayden’s hand grabs the side of my face and I can’t help but feel disgusting being touched by him. I move my face out of his hand and refuse to look at him. “Talk to me, Jaclyn. You have to tell me what’s going through your head.”

I shake my head and one single tear starts forming in my eyes. “I can't.”

I can’t look at him.

I just want the world to swallow me up and take me away. I just want it all to stop hurting. I hate feeling empty, like everything inside me is hollow.

“What is it? Talk to me. You can tell me anything.” Hayden still holds onto my cheek, trying to get me to look at him.

I shake my head lightly and push Hayden away from me. I get down from the counter and back up from him. There is still blood on my shirt and I hate how Hayden’s eyes go to the red stain, a vein in his forehead becoming prominent.

“I love you, Hayden.” One year ago I said those words for the first time but it didn’t hurt this much to say them to Hayden. I hate saying these words, it all feels wrong. Everything around me feels wrong. “I love you so much that it hurts me. It kills me, Hayden.”

“I know, baby. I know, trust me I do.” Hayden walks closer to me but I back away, almost as if I’m scared. But how could I ever be scared of Hayden? “Whatever happened in there, we’ll fix it together. No one will touch you anymore, I promise.”

“You’ve been saying that for a year now Hayden. After all of the lying and all of the sneaking around with the fights, I still ended up getting hurt.”

“What are you trying to say? That this is all my fault?” Hayden asks, getting mad.

I notice by the way he’s clenching his fists.

“Hayden I promised you I would stay but it went too far. You have no clue how much they pushed my limits in that fucking room!”

Tears are finally falling from my eyes. I wrap my arms around myself, needing something to protect me like armor.

All of my armor is gone and on that fucking concrete floor.

“What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I mumble and Hayden’s eyes turn cold.

He nods his head lightly and runs his hand through his hair. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he mutters and just chuckles darkly before looking back at me. “So after everything we both have been through, you’re going to give up? You’re not going to fight for us?”

“I can’t fight anymore, Hayden. I don’t have anything left inside me, it’s all gone, stuck in that fucking room!”

“You promised,” Hayden says, and I can feel my heart cracking little by little.