Page 124 of Blinded By Hate
How does he know?
I ruined the girl he loved and now he’s pissed.
I’m not perfect in his eyes anymore and he can see that, can’t he?
“No I don’t. What are you talking about?”
Hayden’s hands clench and he licks his lips.
I can see how calm he’s trying to stay. “You fucking take pills, anti-depressants to make yourself skinner. You forgot that you told me that you used to do that shit in high school. You would take your prescribed antidepressants and use those to lose weight. You didn’t care if they helped you or not, you were addicted to them and how they would make you not hungry. Or was that another girl I dated in college that told me that?” Hayden yells.
By the time he’s done a tear rolls down my cheek and his face starts to become blurry as I try not to let another tear fall.
He knows.
He knows.
He knows.
He knows.
Hands grab my face and more tears start to fall. “I don’t give a fuck what you look like. Big thighs or not, flat fucking stomach or not, I never cared, Jaclyn. I only ever cared if I got to see that genuine smile on your face. I only ever cared that you were healthy and happy. Why can’t you understand that?”
I shake my head, more tears running down my face. “They made me hate myself,” I whispered. “Having Junior made me hate myself even though I love him to death.”
“Why? Just cause you gained a little weight during pregnancy.”
“I hated looking in the mirror and seeing the same girl who was supposed to die in that room. I didn’t want to see her or be reminded of how happy she was so I continued to kill her after Junior was born. And then just losing the weight naturally was hard especially since, with my diabetes, it felt impossible. I got addicted to taking those same meds I took from high school because my therapist prescribed me those pills to help with the nightmares and overthinking. But then she stopped recently and it’s just hard, knowing I won’t look perfect in your eyes.”
Hayden wipes away my tears from under my eyes, his eyes starting to water “Princess, I could care less about the weight you put on. In my eyes you’ll always be perfect. This body carried my son for nine months, you think I won’t love you or think you’re not perfect for doing just that?” I try to take my face out of his hands but he doesn’t let me. “No, tell me.”
“I’m just scared.”
“Scared of what?” Hayden looks in my eyes, still holding my face in his warm and strong hands.
God, I’ve always loved him holding me like this. I’ve always felt safe and loved whenever he did that. It almost makes me want to cry because I haven’t felt this way in such a long time. I haven’t felt loved in so long and I miss it.
“I’m just scared.”
Hayden shakes his head lightly. “You’re scared of the way I make you feel because you don’t want to feel anything for me at all.” Hayden raises an eyebrow and I swear I fucking feel my heart shatter. He is so on point that it scares me. He knows me so well even after five years. He can read me like an open book. “Right? You’re scared to fall in love with me because of the way I make you feel. I bring out that girl that I fell in love with during college, and you hate her because of that night.” Hayden puts my hair behind my ears and wipes my tears again. “Baby, that night changed nothing and never will, I promise you that. That night doesn’t make me see you any different. You’re still the same girl that I fell in love with in that alley way when we were teenagers, still the same girl I fell in love with in college when you were putting me in my place, still the same girl who had my kid and didn’t even tell me,” Hayden says with a chuckle, making me smile at him, feeling guilty.
“I still feel awful for that.”
“I understand why you had to do all that. I know you needed to protect yourself,” Hayden says softly, looking at my lips before meeting my eyes. “I wish you told me sooner but things happen and you just have to make do with it.”
I nod my head and lick the dried tears from my lips. “I’m sorry. I will do whatever I can to make it better.”
“Then stop hiding things from me. If you struggle, I want to struggle with you. If something is wrong with Junior, I want to know. If you’re scared about me leaving, don’t be. I don’t ever plan on leaving you or Junior. You guys are it for me.”
I nod my head.
Hayden leans down and he kisses my tear stained cheeks, forehead, and then presses his lips on mine softly. I inhale and kiss him back passionately. Hayden uses one of his hands to hold my hair while the other stays on my jaw.
Even though the kiss is soft and passionate I can feel Hayden’s control dripping off him. The way he holds my hair, his hand on my jaw angling my face to deepen the kiss, and the way his chest brushes against mine.
My head is in the clouds whenever I kiss Hayden and it seems like my mind shuts up.
Hayden has always been the boy to make me feel all types of emotions I never thought I would feel. I never thought, in my entire life, that I would feel so much for someone like I do for Hayden.