Page 20 of Blinded By Hate

I haven’t told Hayden about these dreams because I don’t want to worry him but I started having them after seeing my dad the other day. He has still been calling non-stop, not leaving me alone. I don’t know how he always manages to ruin things for me.

The black hooded man is standing still, just watching me. I can’t see his face clearly but I don’t need to, to know to be scared of him.

“What’s wrong?” I look up at Hayden who is staring down at me with a worried look on his face. He looks in the direction I was just looking at but then looks back down at me. I turn my head to look at the black hooded man, but he’s gone. “Was it Eric?”

I look up at Hayden and pull myself closer to him. “No, I just thought I saw something,” I say as he wraps a protective arm over me and kisses my forehead.

“I found out that it was Marco all along. Eric is the one who kidnapped me that day though.”

“Stop!” I scream and try to get out of his hold. He holds a long needle and before I could knock it out of his hand he stabs me in the neck and I feel cold liquid run in my veins. “No!” I scream, still trying to get out of his hold but he holds me against the seat.

Natalia, she’s still out there waiting for me.

“I was going to school with Natalia that morning because I slept over at her and Hayden’s apartment. I left my stuff in her car so I told her to go to class while I get my stuff. I didn’t know that I would be taken away,” I say, as chills run down my spine. It’s like I still feel that stuff the black hooded man injected me with. “I woke up in a dark room with only a bed and a sink. First person to come in was Marco. He came in and started to...” I stop, memories starting to run through my head.

The way he would touch me and erase everything Hayden did to me. The way he held a knife to my neck while doing it all.

“You feel so good. Now I know why Hayden was so possessive over you.”

“Please stop, please!” I scream, clawing his arms to get him off of me.

“Don’t make me bring in Eric to help out, Jaclyn,” he threatens, still moving inside me as I cry and beg for it all to end.

A tear falls from my eyes and Patience notices because she asks, “Do you want to take a break?”

I shake my head. “After that, it was Eric’s turn. He would use me and after he got bored, a few days later he carved out the tattoo I got for Hayden. Eric was the only person to touch me and go into the room other than Marco. I never saw Marco again after the first day,” I say, wiping a tear away. “I know it could never be Hayden’s fault for me getting kidnapped. I can never blame it on him. I know he thinks it’s his fault because I made it seem like that but it wasn’t, it never will be.”

“So why did you end the relationship if it wasn’t his fault?”

“Because of all the memories that came with him. It was because of the possibilities of that happening again. I was scared to be with Hayden. I wish I wasn't but what they did to me in that room is something I will never forget and every time I think or thought of Hayden, those memories would come back. It’s weird though because the only times I’ve ever felt safe were with him.”

“How did you feel when you saw him at the fight? Be completely honest with me on this too. I want to know the honest truth.”

“I missed him. I felt safe knowing he was there. And the way we were talking to each other during the interview and how we were looking at each other felt like nothing between us changed. There was still something there even after all the trauma and history,” I say honestly.

“Have you ever felt something like you did with Hayden, with anyone else?”

“No.” I shake my head. “And to be honest, I don’t think I ever will.”

“A part of you will always love Hayden. He was your first love. You gave him your virginity, your trauma with your father, your secrets, everything. No one ever forgets their first. You also went through a lot during that period of time. It's only been a few years. It's still going to affect you,” Patience explains.

“Yeah, I guess. I was just doing so good this year though. I haven't felt like this in a while and it kind of scares me,” I explain, but the pills help calm my thoughts down. I wish they were enough right now. “I’m just scared of what’s to come. Especially since I have someone else to look after now.”

“Why?”

“Because I am afraid of something like that happening again.”

“Let me ask you one more question and I want you to answer truthfully. As much as you can.” I nod my head. “If Hayden asked you for another chance would you give it to him?”

Would I?

I would and at the same time, I wouldn't.

My head is telling me to stay away from Hayden while my heart and body want him. It's like a war that is going on between my head and heart. They are constantly screaming at each other and I don't know who to listen to.

My heart could get me hurt again and my head could play it safe, but it wouldn't make me happy like I was before.

Hayden made me so happy but is that kind of happiness worth it?