Page 39 of Blinded By Hate

That lie has been in my mouth since that night.

Pretty sure Brandon knows I’m lying. And my mom.

“Bullshit. You’re skinnier, to the point where it’s not fucking healthy. You have this dead look in your eyes like there is nothing there. And don’t even get me started on the bags under your eyes. It looks like you’re not even getting sleep. This isn’t the Jaclyn I know.”

“She’s fucking dead!” I yell, getting frustrated. Tears are threatening to spill from my eyes but I don’t let them. It feels like my heart is being squeezed so hard that it will crush and I’m just barely holding on. He doesn’t even know. He has no right to judge. He has no clue what I went through in that room and how I had to get some part of myself back. I went through hell and he doesn’t even know. “Don’t stand there and judge me. You have no clue what I went through in the past five years. You don’t know so don’t fucking stand there judging me and how I look. I’ll never let anyone ever do that to me again.”

Last time someone did that was my dad and I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone judge me or how I look after that.

I know I’m fucking skinner but that’s none of his business. I know I look dead but that’s because I feel like it almost everyday.

But that’s none of his business.

As if Hayden realizes what he did was wrong, his face changes to sympathy. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that or mean for it to come out like that. I’m fucking worried about you. I know your past with your eating and your diabetes. I’m fucking worried about you.”

“You have no right to be. That’s not your job anymore.” Hayden’s jaw clenches again and he puts his hand in his pockets. “You can’t kiss me again. You have a fiancé. You’re being disrespectful to her and me because I won’t ever come between a marriage and be the other women. Figure out your shit.” I grab my bag that fell on the floor at some point. I bend down and grab it. When I stand back up, Hayden is standing closer to me again. “Hayden-”

“I just wish things ended up differently,” he whispers. “I wish I could have saved you and been there for you. It’s been five years and somehow I can’t fucking get you out of my head.” He rests his forehead on mine.

I can’t help but let a tear fall down my cheek.

Because no matter how hard I try to push him away and pretend I’m okay, I’m not.

All I want to do is cry in his arms as he holds me and tells me that everything will be okay.

That I’m safe and that the black hooded man isn’t out to get me still.

Only Hayden can save me but he is also the one who ruined me.

Hayden presses his lips against my forehead. “Go,” he whispers.

I force myself away from him and leave the room.

Sixteen

Past

Jaclyn

“I’ve been having a hard time on these terms,” I say while looking over the worksheet that my professor provided for me and the rest of the class.

We have a test in the next few days so Kayden is helping me out with studying since I suck at it.

I was never the best at studying so I was put into special education where they basically helped me and took more time to work with me and my academics.

“It’s really easy. This test will basically have the answers in it, all tests usually do.”

“We had to watch this documentary about these triplets who didn’t even know one another existed. We have to write an essay about them for the test as well. I swear my professor loves to torture us,” I explain.

“I’ve seen that,” Kayden answers over the phone. “It’s interesting. The background story is fucked up though.”

I’m about to agree with Kayden but then I hear loud knocking on my door making me pause. “I’ll call you tomorrow, Kayden. Someone is at my door.”

Kayden says goodnight and lets me go.

I get out of bed and leave my room. More knocks sound on the door as I hurry and open it.

When I open it, my jaw drops. Hayden stands in the walkway with a bloody eyebrow where his piercing is and a bruised cheek.