Page 64 of Our Own Light

He wanted to tell Ollie what had him so flustered, but the shame he was feeling had wrapped itself around his throat, strangling him and preventing the words from coming.

“How can I help?” Ollie asked.

“I need... I need some time,” Floyd choked out.

“Do you want me to go, then?”

After a pause, Floyd managed a nod. But only barely.

“Should I wait for you at the train station?” Ollie asked.

Eyes tearing, Floyd shook his head.

“I feel so bad leaving you, but if that’s what you need...” Ollie rubbed his back a couple more times. “I’ll see you back in Rock Creek, then?”

Floyd stayed hidden behind his hands as Ollie walked away. He waited on the bench for a while—maybe a whole hour—feeling horrible for losing his temper with Ollie. Poor Ollie hadn’t meant no harm. He was only trying to help. Golly, what a mess this was. Why hadn’t he been able to keep himself from falling to pieces like that?

After Floyd spent some time wallowing, he started toward the train station. On the way, he purchased the Lincoln Logs for Josephine and a summer dress for Effie. Last, Floyd stopped at the hat shop and bought the nicest, most expensive hat he could afford.

Traveling back to Rock Creek, Floyd kept bouncing his leg and shifting in his seat on the train. He hoped Ollie would forgive him for yelling and for saying that he needed some time to himself.

Shortly before supper, Floyd arrived home. After presenting his family with their gifts, he told Effie what had happened between him and Ollie back in Charleston and asked her if he could head over to Ollie’s once they were finished eating so that he could try to patch things up. Effie was supportive, as she always was, and even told Floyd not to worry about tucking Josephine into bed. But then, when it came time to leave, Floyd suddenly felt too nervous to follow through. He needed a little more time to himself, a little more time to come up with the right words to say. So, he read Josephine a bedtime story and stayed with her until she fell asleep.

By the time Floyd came back to the living room, Ollie had come over his own self and was sitting on the sofa.

“Hi,” Ollie said with a half-smile that pulled at Floyd’s heart.

Floyd tried to smile back. “Hi.”

Effie excused herself and left for the sewing room, saying she had to patch up one of Josephine’s dresses. Floyd sat beside Ollie on the couch.

“I’m so sorry for everything I said earlier,” Ollie said. “It wasn’t my place to criticize the town like that.”

“It was your place. It is your place. You live here, too.”

“I’m not a real miner.”

“You are a real miner,” Floyd said. “And I’m a real lunkhead.”

“You’re not a lunkhead. I only call you that because I’m... well because I’m a lunkhead. I shouldn’t have kept hounding you about the coal company. You’re content with your life here and I have to respect that. God, I knew that already. But I couldn’t stop myself.”

“You were only trying to look out for me. I know that now. I was too thick to see it before.”

“I would never try to suggest that you made the wrong choice for your family. Ever. I can see how hard you work to take care of Effie and Josephine. I know you want what’s best for them. I want you to be happy, Floyd, that’s all.”

“I am happy.” Floyd took Oliver’s hand and kissed it. “Especially now that you’re here.” He shifted closer to Ollie on the couch, shuffling over until their thighs were pressed against each other’s. “And I need to tell you why I reacted like that.”

“Oh, Floyd, I can tell that whatever it is must be hard for you to talk about. It’s fine to keep it to yourself. Really.”

“Nah, I want to tell you. I want to make sure you know why... why talking ’bout the coal company can be so hard for me.” Floyd took Ollie’s hand and kissed it one more time. “I’ve mentioned the man who I was with before you. But I never told you...” Floyd inhaled a shaky breath. “I never told you that the two of us were planning on leaving the coal industry together, but then he...”

Floyd couldn’t even make himself say it.

“Did he pass?” Oliver asked, his voice warm and kind.

Floyd swallowed. “Yeah.” He kissed Ollie’s hand a couple more times. It was like having Ollie close was keeping him tethered to the present. Without Ollie’s touch, Floyd thought he might slip into the past and become lost in those horrible memories again. Golly, it was still so hard to talk about Matt. “I can’t never leave the coal industry. Because my friend... well, he wasn’t never able to leave.”

“So, me reminding you of how much better you might have it if you ever left is making you feel like I’m... like I’m pushing you to leave, maybe?”