Page 68 of Sweet Madness

Space Note

“There are fresh footprints on the lunar surface, even though nearly fifty years have passed since astronauts took their last steps. Tracks can remain there for millions of years because there is no air or liquid water on the moon to wipe them. Just like there is nothing that can wipe your prints off my heart.“ - S

Chapter

Eighteen

ANOTHER ROUND AROUND THE SUN

Shaw

“She slowly invaded my heart until I could feel nothing else. Nothing but her.” – S

Most kids at school make a big deal out of their birthdays, but I don’t understand the fuss. To me, it’s just another day. While they get showered with love and presents, it’s simply another day for me. I don’t mind not having a big party or many gifts; all I need is my Ma to be happy and here with me.

When I woke up an hour ago, I found her looking down at me with a solemn expression. Even when she smiles, Ma always seems sad. She gives me a figurine of horses for my birthday, and though her smile is wide and her touch warm, she still looks so sad.

Now, I’m kneeling on the floor, surrounded by a miniature herd of wooden toy horses, their polished surfaces gleaming as I arrange them in a makeshift corral. I play with them, making soft whinnying sounds as my fingers guide them through imaginary fields. I only stop when I feel Ma’s light, affectionate tap on my shoulder. Looking up, I see a cake with a flickering candle casting a soft glow.

My face lights up in a smile that matches Ma’s. I feel a pang in my chest as I see her eyes sparkling with a special kind of excitement when she offers me the small cake, decorated with colorful sprinkles and a single lit candle.

Discarding the toy horses, I quickly stand up, my small hands reaching out to touch the cake, while my heart swells with joy at seeing my mother so happy after weeks of looking like the living dead. My Ma has more bad days than good ones. Today must be a good one since she’s out of her pajamas and cleaned up. Although there are still dark circles under her pretty brown eyes, she looks like my happy mom.

“Happy birthday, my golden boy,” Ma signs before she bends down to kiss me and push my hair back, lingering for a moment before smiling.

Ma can’t speak, or at least she chooses not to because she once tells me she doesn’t like the sound of her voice. I love her voice. It brings me comfort, but I know that it only brings bad memories and pain to her. So, she communicates with sign language, which I’ve known since I can remember.

“I love you to pieces,” Ma signs again.

“I love you, Ma.” I place the cake down next to the wooden horses and hug her around the waist. Her gentle hands rub my back before she kneels down to my level.

Ma is beautiful, the most beautiful woman in town with her long wavy blonde hair, the same shade as mine, and lovely brown eyes. I notice how men look at her, but she never pays them any attention. She never returns their greetings. Besides me, I don’t think she talks to anyone. She once tells me I am all she needs to be happy, and I believe her, but sometimes I wonder if I’m the reason she smiles less often.

“Shaw,” Ma signs, catching my attention. I follow her hand movements. “You’re a big boy, and soon you won’t need me as much.”

“I’ll always need you, Ma.”

She smiles prettily. “I hope the day comes that you don’t, my heart.” Her eyes grow sad. What did I say? My heart clenches inside my chest as I watch my mother’s entire demeanor shift from happy to... melancholic. “You’ll thrive in life without a dark cloud over your head.” She signs sadly, then pokes my nose with frosting. Her fake smile appears again, making me angry.

I don’t like it when she does that, and she’s wrong. I’ll always need her, even when I’m six feet tall.

Feeling a painful constriction in my chest, I throw myself at my mother and cling to her, needing to hear her heart beating against my ear. That’s how I always know Ma is here with me and not lost in her scary head.

I know that her smile will eventually fade and she might lose herself completely, but I hold on, hoping for the best while being unaware that worse times are coming.

After that birthday, we don’t celebrate anything else. Not birthdays, not Christmas, nothing. Our life slowly loses its color until one day it turns completely gray.

Then came her.

Then came pink.

As I approach the ranch house in the fading light of the evening, exhaustion weighs heavily on my shoulders. The day is long and tiring, spent under the hot sun repairing the remaining broken fences and tending to the horses in the stables while also working on the fields.

It’s getting difficult to handle the ranch by myself, but I’m still hesitant to hire help. I don’t trust easily, and now with the girl here, I can’t risk hiring a complete stranger. Perhaps when she’s no longer here…

Crack.

The moment the thought crosses my mind, a burning in my chest spreads out.