Page 62 of Cocky Tech God

“Having kids.” Finally, she met my gaze and held it. “I can’t have children. And so this relationship can’t happen because we know this leads to more. Living together, marriage, maybe, and kids for sure. I can’t do that, and you deserve kids if you want them.”

“What?” I was winded with her admission. I didn’t know what to think, to say. “But you said—”

“I said nothing. When you asked on the boat, I didn’t answer you. And then when you asked again here, I didn’t want to talk about it. I should have.”

She was right. I’d never heard the words come out of her mouth about not being able to have children. I stood there, and I would do anything to soothe the pained look on her face. The idea that Lucia could never have children never crossed my mind. I remained silent in these thoughts. What would a future with her look like now that I knew the truth?

The weight of our emotions suffocated me. Lucia turned away so I couldn’t see the agony, share in it with her. The silence made the room feel smaller and smaller. I didn’t know how I felt about Lucia’s truth. I wanted children with her. Babies with her dark eyes and freckled noses.

She lifted the handle to one of her suitcases. “And besides, I’ve realized I can’t manage a relationship and my failing business. Not when I just lost a client and haven’t even fixed my security breach. I have too much going on. And more than all that, your silence says it all. This can’t work, Hansen.”

I sighed. The real possibility that LMS may shutter hit me, and I felt anguish for Lucia. I wanted to take a step back, let her leave because I could feel her need to flee, but I couldn’t stop myself from fighting. My heart was yearning. I couldn’t let her go.

“Good luck tomorrow at the Morgan Financial Holdings’s presentation. May the best man win,” she said just before she turned toward the door with her luggage in tow.

“Wait,” I said, my mind reeling in what I was about to say. “I want to figure this out. I want this relationship, Lucia, like I’ve never wanted anything before.”

Lucia paused, her back still to me, her fingers curled over her bulging luggage. “And if we figure this out, you will still want your own children. You will wonder if you made the right call when the desire is so strong to have a baby, and I don’t want to see the pain of disappointment on your face when you realize that will never happen with me.”

“Lucia—”

“No.” She lifted her hand. “Don’t say anything. Don’t make this harder. We can still be friends, Hansen. We’re at least still competitors, for now. It was always better to be that.”

And with those words, she left me alone. I was stunned to silence. All manner of thoughts rushed through my mind. All bad and tragic. Would we really be friends, or just strangers, once we were back in New York? Either of those options would devastate me.

I don’t know how much time had passed since Lucia left our room. Maybe an hour. Or two. Her words played over and over on a loop in my mind. She was so sure of what would happen if we moved forward in our relationship. She was certain that I would regret my choice to stay with her, as if she’d experienced it before. Maybe she had.

Maybe that was why she refrained from being in a relationship.

But she had a miscarriage before. Had something happened medically that made her unable to conceive again? I hated to think of Lucia’s pain of being a mother-to-be and then told she’d never be a mother again. I closed my eyes. I knew the pain of losing a child, except I could still be a father as far as I knew. Lucia couldn’t be a mother.

But, actually, she could. She could adopt a child. I’d never thought of taking in another child as my own, as I’d never thought I’d be in a situation where that would be a possibility. I was by no means against adoption, even though I’d been determined to have my own.

I turned toward the open balcony doors. The faint crash of waves came through in the silence that became the room once Lucia left. I hated the silence, the emptiness that was left where her stuff once was. Where she once was.

The water called me, and I stood and walked to the doors. The sky was indigo above and the ocean was dark and wild. Emotions came over me and left me with the obvious realization that I could still be with Lucia and be a father. She and I could adopt a child together. We’d raise it like we would our biological child. Or, we could get a surrogate to have a child with my DNA and a donor egg. I knew I was jumping the gun, but I wanted a future with Lucia, and if the baby thing was the blocker, I’d found solutions.

I’d do anything to be with Lucia.

My realizations gave me life, and I needed to make a move so that our separation didn’t last longer than it needed to. I grabbed my cell phone.

Me: Please come back. I want to talk about this. What we have is too good to let go. Please hear me out.

I walked to the bed and sat and waited for a response. My hopefulness didn’t let my eyes move from the screen, and in more minutes than I wanted to wait, my eyes burned from not blinking. Had she really let us go in so brief a time? In literally a couple hours’ time? I just couldn’t believe she could walk away so easily.

I picked up my phone again and typed.

Me: Lucia, you can’t give me a second of time? After everything? I’m fighting for you. That’s what this is. Please don’t ignore me. I know you still feel how I feel. You’re just scared. But I don’t want you to be scared. I want you to believe in me. Believe in what we can have.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ. I’d never begged like this before. When women I’d hooked up with had done this, I’d retracted in disgust. Here I was, doing the same to Lucia. But the difference was that Lucia told me she had feelings for me. She’d wanted to be with me. I was hanging on to what we’d said to each other at Dolphin Cove. None of that was a lie. Lucia was lying now, and I wanted her to admit it.

I rolled over on my back. If this was really over with Lucia, I didn’t think I could ever go back to how I was. The bachelor life wasn’t for me anymore. There were too many wrongs that I’d have to right. Too many hurt feelings that were unnecessary and undeserved. My phase of causal dalliances was over now.

My phone vibrated, and I nearly jumped off the bed. I grabbed the phone and read the screen.

Lucia: Hansen, for being a player, you are really groveling. I expected better from you.

Heat poured over my face. Why did she insist on being flippant? Her guard was up, as if nothing real had ever happened between us.