Page 112 of Truck Me
“Sorry, man.” Ash gives me a serious nod that looks a little too forced. “Continue.”
I glance around again. Chase and Ash are watching me closely. Christian and Mac are both staring at the table, but Liam and Warren are holding each other’s gazes. It’s as if they’re saying something to each other with an intense glare.
They look angry, which causes me to pause. I share a mom with them, and while they’ve never made me feel responsible for Mom’s death the way Dad did, I can’t help but wonder if I was wrong about that.
Clearing my throat, I take another drink of my beer before I continue. “Anyway, Charlotte had just moved to Chicago, and Carol was having a really hard time with it. We started messing around. I knew I wasn’t the only man she was seeing, but I didn’t care. We were young and stupid and found comfort in each other. She missed Charlotte and felt abandoned. And me, well … I’m not sure what I felt. Angry that Dad blamed me for Mom’s death. Guilty because she chose me over her own life. And I guess, responsible for why everyone else’s life sucked.”
“I didn’t blame you,” Dad’s voice calls from the entrance to the kitchen. When I look up and meet his gaze, my breath hitches and it feels like his presence sucked all oxygen out of the room. There are tears in his eyes and regret written all over his face.
Seeing him like this doesn’t make me feel better. It feeds my anger and pokes at my hidden scars, breaking them open again. Every bit of my restraint slips. I’m usually the reserved and quiet one, but not today. I push to my feet, no longer able to hold back my emotions.
“Yes. You. Did!” I yell so loud I swear the room shakes from the rumble of my deep voice. “You couldn’t even look at me, Dad. And when you did, it was in disgust or apathy or anger. I am a constant reminder of what you lost. You would rather have saved her than me, and you made no effort to hide that fact. I grew up blaming myself for killing my mom. And then when Carol died in childbirth, I felt even worse. It was as if the universe was telling me it was my child, and I was responsible for another woman’s death.”
“Oh, Garret.” Grams sobs and reaches for me, but I pull away. I don’t want to be hugged and comforted anymore. I want to get all this anger out of me and finally be done with it.
I turn my angry gaze to Dad, ready to yell at him some more, but he speaks first. “You’re wrong, and I’m so sorry if my actions led you to believe otherwise.”
“But you were always so angry with me.” I shout, not ready to accept his words.
“I was angry,” he says calmly and in complete contrast to me. “But not at you. Never at you. You didn’t kill your mother. Cancer did that. Yes, I wanted to save her, but there was nothing to be done. And it had nothing to do with you. We would have lost her, regardless.”
Dad slumps against the door frame, and my anger deflates just enough that his pain registers in my brain. My dad is a broken man, and no matter what he does to try and fix it, nothing can heal the crack in his heart.
I know because I see that expression on my face every time I look in the mirror. I’m broken too. Our scars are invisible, but those wounds hurt far worse than anything physical.
Because of those scars, I lost someone I deeply cared for. I wouldn’t blame Charlotte if she never spoke to me again.
“Garret,” Liam says right before he rests his hand on my shoulder. His expression is laced with sadness. “If you think that about yourself, then I failed you. You are a very important part of this family, and none of us would be the same without you. Do you hear me?”
I nod but shift my gaze to the floor.
“Garret!” His voice is demanding and his grip on my shoulder tightens. “Don’t ever doubt your value to this family. Look around this room.” Liam waves his hand in the directions of my brothers. “Every one of us would lay our lives on the line for the other. Nothing we do, and I mean nothing, can break our brotherly bonds. We will fight by your side, no matter what. Is that clear?”
I squeeze my eyes closed, mostly to fight back the sting of tears. The last thing I want is to cry in front of my brothers.
“Yes,” I whisper. “I hear you.”
“Good.” He pulls me in for a hug, and this time I don’t retreat. “Now, tell us about Charlotte. Are you two an item?”
I huff. “Not anymore.”
“Why not?” He furrows his brow.
“The fact that Rayne might be my daughter because I slept with her sister kinda pushed her away.”
“What are the chances Rayne’s really yours?” Chase asks.
I glance over at him, and his expression is serious. It’s an unusual look for him. He and Ash would prefer to turn every situation into a joke before taking matters seriously.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t the only man Carol was with. She wouldn’t tell me who the other men were, only that there was a chance I wasn’t the father.”
“Okay, so we take a paternity test. Find out for sure,” Liam says.
“Only if that’s what Rayne wants,” I say. “What happens next is up to her.”
“But don’t you want to know?” Ash asks.
“Yeah. I’ve wanted to know since before she was born. But I fucked that up by remaining silent for all these years. Now it’s her call.”