Page 128 of Truck Me
I grab the flowers I purchased when I stopped to get gas earlier and step out of the car. Mom visits her every few months and always adds fresh flowers to the vase in front of the headstone. Today, I’ll be the one replacing them, and that gives me a small amount of joy.
“Hey, sis,” I say as I kneel next to her grave. “I brought you some flowers.”
I remove the dead ones from Mom’s last visit and slide the ones I brought to replace them.
“They’re not your favorite, but they’re pretty. They didn’t have lilies. These are a mix of colorful daisies and baby’s breath. I figured you’d still appreciate the gesture.”
I clear my throat and glance around me. Confirming I’m still alone, I face Carol again.
“Then again, you’d probably rather I just come see you, huh? Sorry I’ve stayed away for so long. Losing you was hard on me, and I’ve struggled to even be back in this town, let alone come here to see you. Piss poor excuse, I know. But it is what it is.”
I pick at the dead grass next to my feet before I finally sit on the ground and cross my legs.
“Rayne is great. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know her better these past few months. She’s a lot like you—and just as sneaky—but she’s a great kid. I hate that you didn’t get the chance to know her.”
I take a breath and prepare myself for the real reason I came here.
“I read your journal. At first, I didn’t want to. It felt like an invasion of your privacy. Even though you’re gone, it still felt wrong. But I had to know how you felt about Garret. You see …”
My voice cracks and my eyes sting with tears.
“Shit.” I wipe my cheeks. “I told myself not to cry today. Something else I’ve failed at that I can add to my growing list.”
I take a moment to regain my composure and then continue. “See, here’s the thing. I’m in love with Garret. This happened before I found out he’s Rayne’s father—and he is, by the way. The paternity test confirmed it. Way to go keeping that a secret from an entire town of busybodies.
“I’ve been a mess ever since I found out. I’m having a really hard time with the fact that I’ve fallen in love with a man you created a child with. It helps to know you weren’t in love with him. Thanks for writing that down, by the way. It doesn’t make it much easier. But it is what it is, and I either have to learn to deal with it or leave. I don’t want to leave.”
My voice cracks, and my tears flow freely down my cheeks. I take a couple of minutes to regain my composure before I can continue.
“I’d been gone so long I’d forgotten how much I love it here. The quiet this small part of the world provides is peaceful. Being back here after all this time wasn’t part of the plan, but it’s a detour I’m glad I took. I just wish you were still here to live this life with me. Even if it meant having to look at you every day knowing you had a relationship with the man I love.
“Just so you know, I plan to tell him that right after I leave here. I also plan on sticking around and being more to Rayne than just her cool older aunt. If Garret decides he wants me too, I’m hoping we can raise her together. Give her the life I know you would’ve wanted for her.
“I’m just sorry I didn’t do it sooner. And I’m really sorry I left you after high school. That wasn’t my intention. I hope you know that. I always had such big dreams and high hopes for myself. Back then, I felt way too big for this tiny village. I wanted more. Needed more. I craved it. Little did I know, I’d find true happiness right back here, and with the hot boy next door that I crushed on all through high school.”
A cool breeze brushes across my cheeks, and I smile. Carol always loved windy days. “You would have loved Chicago. It’s a shame you refused to visit me. Windiest place I’ve ever been. Then again, if you had, maybe we wouldn’t have Rayne.”
Another gust flows over me, and for the first time in a really long time, I feel peace.
* * *
After leaving the cemetery, I head home to clean up. The house is empty. Rayne is still at school, and Mom is probably visiting with Dad.
My decision to leave Chicago this morning was quick and unplanned. I was going to stay through the weekend, but when I woke this morning, my heart ached to be back. It ached to see Garret.
I didn’t tell anyone I was coming home early. So no one is expecting me.
I grab a bite to eat and take a quick shower. I didn’t bother washing my hair. My loose curls from yesterday still look good. All I need is a few touch-ups here and there and I’m good to go. I freshen up my makeup and then stare at the clothes in my closet for way too long.
I want to look my best when I see him, but I also don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard.
I opt for a pair of dark jeans with a thin dark blue sweater that brings out the blue in my eyes. The temperatures are warmer and with this I won’t need a jacket.
I give myself one last look in the full-length mirror and then head out the door.
I’m anxious to get this conversation over with and see if Garret and I can find a way to move forward. Together. As a couple.
My chest tightens and my belly feels all light and fluttery when I see his truck parked in his driveway. I wasn’t sure if he’d be home this early in the day.