Page 117 of Daydream
The door slams behind me, the brief moment it opened telling me the locker room is dead silent. Something I’d have previously called impossible if I didn’t know they’d all be trying to listen to what’s going on in here.
I hear Faulkner scream that he doesn’t want to fucking hear it, and for everyone to get their head out of their asses and into the game. I rest my head against the desk and breathe out a sigh.
The idea of having my title taken away feels a lot like relief.
And I honestly don’t know how to process that. Sometimes it feels like I have too many emotions, and other times it feels like I have none. Sometimes I feel like I understand everything going on around me, and other times I feel like I’m surrounded by people who speak a language that I don’t speak.
Hockey and art have always been great equalizers for me. When it didn’t matter so much about what I said, and there was a guideline for how I acted. Rules I could follow, mistakes that could be easily identified and fixed. It’s almost the opposite of the fluidity of art, where there isn’t a way for me to get wrong what I’m trying to create.It has the structure I crave coupled with the this-could-go-anywhere I love when I create something new.
I love being on the team, and when I’m honest with myself, I don’t love having the team look up to me. Becoming captain took away my great equalizer and overcomplicated my emotions that had previously been sound.
How can I be honest about how I’m feeling when I know it’ll let my friends down?
How do I let go of the thing I’ve clung to so tightly all year? Something that has always felt like I’m seconds away from being stung by wasps?
What if Faulkner tells me I haven’t been doing a good job, and it’s all been for nothing?
I hear the familiar sound of the guys cheering, hyped up to get out there and win.
Faulkner wants me to wait here, but I can’t. I can’t tell him to his face that I’m as relieved as I am. I wait until I know they’re gone, then I leave Coach’s office.
I get changed as quickly as I can, shoving my things into my bag and getting out of the locker room. As I approach the door out into the foyer I can hear people screaming at each other. Leaning against the wall beside the door, I open it the slightest amount to listen, and that’s when I realize one of the voices is Halle’s.
Chapter Thirty-SixHALLE
THE WHOLE ARENA IS BUZZINGand I can’t get myself to feel anything beyond pure nausea.
Cami hands me a giant soda cup that she previously suggested I use as a weapon against Will’s parents if I need to. She also offered to add a splash of vodka for courage—courage I desperately need with my mom sitting on my right wearing Will’s name on the back of her jersey—but I politely declined.
There’s only one thing that’s going to make me an anxious wreck this weekend: he has blond hair and a bad attitude and will be getting on the ice at any moment.
I’ve always desperately wanted close friends, but I never truly understood what it meant to have them until the moment Aurora bribed the students beside us to switch seats. All so I didn’t have to sit with my family on my own. She said it would be her worst nightmare, and she couldn’t live with herself if she let me go through it alone.
As soon as the first player steps onto the ice, I take a deep breath and shrug off my jacket, the UCMH logo bright and bold in the middle of my chest with TURNER running across my shoulders.
“Halle,” Mom groans as soon as she sees the orange. “I thought you’d wear Will’s jersey. This isn’t very supportive of you.”
I take a big sip. “I’m making a point to support my school and my friends.”
“You’re making a very insensitive point. It’s not fair to rub Will’s nose in it, knowing you have a newfriend.I think you should wear Will’s jersey tomorrow.”
I feel like I’m going to be sick and nothing’s even happened yet. One by one, the team steps onto the ice. I count them. There’s something wrong. I turn to Aurora in the seat beside me. “Where’s Henry? And Will?”
I watch as every other player arrives, except for the two of them. I can hear Will’s parents start to mutter, then my stepdad’s voice. I wait, counting to sixty in my head like maybe there’s just a little delay and they’ll be out any second. They’re not coming. Something’s wrong.
Standing, I’m immediately stopped by a hand on my wrist. “Where are you going?”
“I’ll be right back,” I say to Mom, handing my drink to Aurora.
“Do you want me to come with you?” Emilia asks as I pass her.
“No, I’ll be right back.”
I fight through the lines on the stairs as people try to get to their seats to watch the game begin. It’s like trying to run through sand, and every person stepping into my way is just frustrating me more and more. My mind is jumping through every possibility and none of them are nice.
Adrenaline is fueling me as I stride toward the no-access door, praying I find Henry somewhere on the other side of it.
“Halle!” my mom shouts behind me. “For God’s sake, slow down!”