Page 118 of Daydream
“Mom, it’s fine, go back to Paul. I just need to see what’s happened.”
“That door says no entry; you can’t go in there,” she says as my hand meets the metal.
I turn to face her, frustrated that I’m so close. “I know, but it’s fine, it’s to the locker rooms. We use it all the time and—”
“What is going on with you?” Her hands are gripping her waist as she shakes her head. “Is this why you aren’t visiting? Hardly call anymore? Stopped showing any enthusiasm toward your real family and friends? Because you’re busy with a new man? And what? You want to make Will jealous?”
I can name at least one hundred reasons why I do not want to have this conversation with my mother, but I can’t think of any of them right now, because all I want to do is check that Henry is okay. “I don’t care what Will feels, Mom. I’m so beyond worrying about what he’s thinking, and I wish you were, too.”
“I feel like you’re not the same person you were the last time I saw you. What will the Ellingtons think? I don’t know where my caring, loving daughter has gone!” she says, her voice getting louder with every word until she’s shouting at me from six feet away.
“Good!” I yell back, the stress ricocheting around my body finally spilling over. I take a few steps toward her. “Because that Halle wasmiserable! And she waslonely! And she was stuck in a relationship with someone who pressured her to do things she wasn’t ready to do and made her feel like there was something wrong with her! I’m tired of worrying about your reaction to decisions I make about my own life!”
My mom might be imperfect, but I know she’d never want that for me. “Honey…”
“I’m tired of having to think about everyone else before myself. I’m tired of putting everyone else’s needs before my own. I’m tired of feeling like the only way I can make people like me is by doing something for them!”
“Halle, that isn’t true. We love you so much,” she says, her voice softer than before, but it’s too late. I can’t put a lid on it. “Unconditionally!”
“I stopped visiting because whenWillbroke up withme, we agreed that he could go home and I wouldn’t, so you guys didn’t pressure us to get back together! And I hardly call, because every time I do you put something on me. I have to speak to someone or organize something or tutor someone or listen to you talk about everyone else without asking how I’m doing. I’m trying to write a book for a competition, and you don’t even know because you don’t ask me about my aspirations! But you’ve never missed a second of Grayson holding a football!”
I can hear myself ranting but I can’t make it stop. Even with Mom standing in front of me, stunned, I can’t stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth. “Ihatebeing the family manager. Ihatethat the only time anyone ever thinks of me is because they want something from me. Ihatefeeling like I’m everyone’s mom when all I ever want when I call is my own mom. Being the eldest daughter is a curse and I’msickof it.”
Her face sinks. “Halle. You’re understandably very emotional right now, and I think we should discuss how you’re feeling back at the house.”
“I am emotional because something bad has probably happened to someone I really care about, and instead of finding him we’re arguing about Will freaking Ellington and the fact I haven’t had a minute of peace since birth!”
“We are not arguing. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on with my daughter! I want you to be happy, Halle. I hate that you’ve been keeping this ‘friend’ a secret from us. This is him then, the artist? I want to understand! I just need you to make things clear for me, honey.”
“I love him! Is that clear enough for you?” Tears are running down my face and I don’t know when they started, but there seems to be no sign of them slowing down. The reality of finally understanding my feelings for Henry at the same time as screaming mygrievances at my mom is too much for a Friday evening. “Henry is my best friend and I fell in love with him when I wasn’t supposed to and now I need to check that he’s okay.”
“I’ve always wanted Will for you, butneverat the expense of your happiness, honey. Will has been your only true friend for so long, and I was scared if you guys broke up that you’d be lonely. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you couldn’t make your own choices.” She looks like she’s on the brink of tears and I feel awful. “Would you like me to help you find your friend? Henry, was it?”
The storm inside of me starts to subside. “No, I’ll do it alone.”
“Okay, we’ll talk more in private later. I love you, Halle. All I want is for you to be happy.” Closing the space between us she traps me in a tight hug. “I’m sorry I’ve put so much on you. I promise we’ll fix it.”
It’s at that point I realize all I really wanted was a hug from my mom. “I’m sorry I just yelled at you.”
“Shush now,” she says, stroking the back of my head gently. “I can survive one outburst in twenty years.”
After kissing me on the forehead, she heads back the way she came toward the seating. I don’t move at first; I just watch her walk away while wiping the tears with the back of my hand. I jump when hands land on my shoulders, but immediately relax as soon as I hear him murmur my name.
Spinning around, I find Henry standing behind me dressed in his normal gym clothes, his bag slung over his shoulder. His face is calm, but there’s something missing. A spark, I don’t know. I know my instincts are right and something has happened.
“What happened? Why aren’t you playing?” He hears the murmurs of people hanging around behind us at the same time I do.
He nods toward the rink exit. “Can we talk outside? Or in your car?”
“Do you want me to give you a ride somewhere?” I ask. “You’re in your clothes and you’re leaving with your bag, so I’m guessing something has happened? Right?”
“Do you not want to watch the game?” he says, voice steady in a way that makes me want to shake him and find out what’s happened.
I feel like I’m losing my mind a little as I shake my head. “If you’re not playing in it, absolutely not.”
“Okay, let’s go home.”
I’d love to say that the car journey from the rink to Henry’s house is filled with a very detailed and interesting conversation about what the hell happened, but the reality is Henry doesn’t say one word until we’re walking into his house.