Page 52 of With This Mask
With a shaky exhale, I rap sharply on the door, trying not to let my hand tremble.
"Hey," is all I manage when he swings the door open. His blond hair is tousled, like he's run his hands through it a hundred times today, and his blue eyes scan my face with an intensity that makes my skin prickle with awareness.
"Fuck, Salem,” he says, his words laced with anxiety. “Do you know what you’ve done to my head this whole day?”
He steps aside to let me in, and I cross the threshold into the familiar space, feeling like I'm walking the plank.
"We need to talk,” I say, fighting the panic I feel that I’m pushing past William’s twenty-four hour deadline. My words are laced with an edge, betraying the storm of emotions churning inside me. I don't meet his eyes as I pass by him into the living room, hyper-aware of the way the late daylight stretches his shadow across the floor.
"Salem," he simply says, my name a warning on his lips. I hate that I'm about to shatter whatever fragile peace we've found with each other. But as I look at him, I know I have to do this. For him. And especially my mom.
"Look, Alec..." I start, forcing myself to face him. My mouth is dry, and it takes all my willpower not to let my voice waver. "This... us... It's got to stop."
His eyebrows furrow, and I can see the muscles in his jaw clench. "What the hell are you talking about, Salem?"
I shake my head, fighting the urge to back down. "We're a mess, Alec." My heart aches with the admission, but I shove the pain aside. I have to do this. For both our sakes. “The way we fight. The shit we say to each other. The hiding. Victoria’s insane jealousy and exposure. Half our friends won’t talk to us anymore.”
"You’re freaking me the fuck out here," Alec butts in, running a hand through his blond hair, a gesture of unease beneath his usually unflappable exterior. "What's really going on?"
My fingers rub together, seeking warmth against the chill that has nothing to do with the temperature of his immaculately kept apartment. His gaze is heavy on me, thick with unspoken questions and a heaping of dread.
"Look," my voice quivers slightly before I rein it back in, "I've been doing some thinking..."
"Thinking?" The word hangs between us, wrapped in a skepticism that makes my stomach twist. But I push through, inching closer, close enough to catch the scent of his cologne, a reminder of too many nights spent tangled in his sheets when we should have been worlds apart.
"Yeah, thinking. About us." My throat tightens around the words. "We can't keep doing this, Alec. We have to end this."
He blinks, once, twice, as if my words are a foreign language he's struggling to translate. Then his features contort, disbelief morphing into something sharper, more wounded. "Break up? Are you shitting me right now? Me and you are perfect."
"Believe me, I wish I was." My heart hammers against my ribcage, each beat an echo of the pain I'm inflicting. "But it's for the best."
"Best for who, exactly?" His voice cracks like ice, cold and brittle. "Because this sure as hell doesn't feel like what I want."
I swallow hard, facing the storm brewing in those eyes that I've gotten lost in more times than I care to admit. "It's not always about what we want, Alec. It's about what's right."
"Right?" He scoffs, taking a step forward, closing the gap I'd put between us. "Since when did you get to decide what's right for both of us?"
"Since our relationship started feeling like a ticking time bomb, Alec!" My outburst reverberates off the walls, and for a moment, I'm breathless, caught in the wake of my own words. Silence claws at the room, and I brace myself for his rebuttal, for the arguments I know will spill from his lips.
But they don't come, not yet. Instead, there's just the sound of our breathing, ragged and out of sync, a testament to the chasm that's opened up between us.
I’m dying to reach out, to touch him, to ground myself back into the reality we worked so hard for. But I can’t. I have to sell this. "Please just listen," I plead, my voice brittle as thin ice. The words come tumbling out in a rush, each one laced with the agony of a decision made against the grain of desire. "It's not easy for me either, but... we're a mess, you know it. I'm grateful, so damn grateful for everything. But this—" I gesture between us, "—it's too complicated."
"Complicated?" His word slices through the air, sharp and disbelieving. And suddenly his eyes go red as tears pool in his eyes. "What the fuck does that even mean, Salem? We were fine, more than fine, until you decided to drop this bombshell. Since when have you ever backed down from something challenging?"
His anger is a living thing, crackling between us like a downed power line. I flinch inwardly but stand my ground. "Fine?" I scoff, the sound bitter even to my own ears. "Look at us, Alec. It's been one challenge after another. And it's not just about us. There are consequences, expectations..."
Alec’s face suddenly freezes. His eyes slide over to mine. “What do you mean, Salem?”
And I know I’ve fucked up. I shouldn’t have said that last bit.
“You think my being with you hasn’t had consequences?” I say coldly, scrambling to cover my mistake up. “I had the perfect internship. But because of the spotlight we’ve been in, I don’t think I’ll get it. And there’s so many more ramifications to us being together. You know that, Alec.”
"Fuck ramifications!" He explodes, the words erupting from him with the force of a thunderclap. His hands ball into fists at his sides. "I don’t believe a damn word you just said. Why are you doing this? Why now? Is there someone else?"
"Someone else?" My laugh is a hollow echo, devoid of any real humor. "That's ridiculous and you know it."
"Then give me a straight answer, Salem! Why are you pushing me away?" His voice booms through the space, frustration boiling over.