Page 53 of Phoenix
“Don’t think this means I’m not scared of dogs,” I whisper to her with a giggle, “you’re different.”
She makes no movement, just remains completely contented to be lying in the sun receiving unlimited pats of affection from me. My mind begins to wander, contemplating what my life would have been like had I not been taken. Would my parents have let me have a pet? Would I still have gone to Stanley’s cave to look for scales, wishing for things that most girls do, like friends, a career, love, and marriage? I like to think so. Is any of that still possible?
Love, I have love, and perhaps that’s enough considering everything that was taken from me. And perhaps Lou and Izzy, even Stella here, are those lifelong friends I should have made when I went to high school. I thought Tammy was that friend before being taken, but she proved differently.
A few months after I came back home, when all the media fuss had begun to die away, Tammy came to visit me with her big brother; the one who used to try and beat us up when we played ‘Murder in the Dark’. They made a handsome pair of siblings, even if they did look completely different from how I remembered them.
“Niamh,” Tammy whispers before breaking down into floods of tears. “Oh my God, Niamh!”
She tries to hug me, but I shuffle away, though this isn’t just for her benefit, I avoid human contact as much as possible. Even my mother was shunned when she tried to come near me. Dad didn’t even try. It was as though he knew I wasn’t capable of handling it; he also didn’t believe me when I told the police I hadn’t been sexually abused. I didn’t try to convince him; I didn’t care.
“Hey, Niamh, you look…” her brother trails off; he’s just as stupid as he always was.
“She likes to be called Jessie now,” my mother says with hurt in her voice. She’s been hurting ever since I returned; I guess she had been expecting something more from me when I came back from six years of incarceration. Alas, I cannot offer her anything more than what I am. I wonder if she ever wishes I had remained dead; would it have been an easier concept to stomach than having a stranger for a daughter?
“Jessie,” Tammy whimpers as she edges toward me, “you’re my best friend, do you know how much I’ve missed you over the years?”
I offer her nothing, just a set of expressionless eyes and a wide berth. She shuffles up to me on the couch, setting my heart to beat that little bit faster.
“I pictured all sorts of things - everything from being brutally murdered to human trafficking! God, it’s been so hard, Jessie, so hard!”
Still, I cannot think of anything to say to her.
“I’m so glad those things didn’t happen to you, that you’re ok, that he didn’t damage you in any way!”
“When we heard Niam…I mean Jessie, was ok, that she hadn’t been abused in the way Tammy was sure she had been, you cannot believe the relief we all felt.”
“Four months,” I utter so quietly, I don’t know if anyone hears me.
“What?” Tammy asks, sounding surprised and a little scared. She knows what I’m referring to.
“Four months,” I repeat a little louder, ignoring the look of concern on her brother’s face. He can see this is going to go badly. “You waited four months to tell anyone what happened.”
“Jessie, you have no idea how scared I was…he threatened my family, you saw he did!”
“Jessie, Tammy was only twelve years old,” my mother adds, putting her hand on Tammy’s shoulder because she knows I won’t let her. “She was so sorry when she eventually came forward. You can’t blame her for what that monster did to you.”
“Jessie, I wanted to—"
“Get out,” I mutter, averting my gaze to the floor so I don’t have to listen to their excuses.
“Jessie, I was only twelve—"
“SO WAS I!” I yell at the top of my voice, making everyone jump and look uncomfortable. “GET OUT!”
Tammy bursts into sobs and tears while my mother tries to apologize for my outburst. Her brother is beginning to look angry with me, but his reaction no longer intimidates me like it once did, so I ignore him.
By the time my mother has ushered them out the door with reassurances that she understands, I’ve already closed myself down again.
“Jessie, I’m sorry, baby,” she says as she tries to reach out for me, but I flinch and move out of reach. “Please, Jessie, what do you want me to do? What do you want from me? Please, you have to talk to me!”
I merely look at her, take in the sight of her crying, and feel nothing but indifference. I don’t want to talk anymore; these people are strangers to me now. I have no one but Jake, but he left me too. Perhaps it would have been best to have died in that basement, for me as well as everyone else.
When I come to from my daydream of those nightmarish first few months, I look up to see the shadow of a man that plagues me. It remains still like a statue, but it’s much closer than usual. There’s no barrier between me and it. My heart rate picks up and my breath becomes fast and shallow. All the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, to the point where Stella gets to her feet and begins to try and comfort me. She nuzzles her head in the crook of my neck, licking me with her tongue to try and calm me down. I cling to her fur with such force, I must be hurting her. Though if I am, she doesn’t appear to be worried by it.
It's just a dream, a figment of your imagination, Niamh. He’s not there, not real…
My eyes are shut tight, my jaw clenched to the point of pain, and when I grip onto Stella even harder, she pulls back. She releases a throaty growl, a warning sound that cannot be mistaken for aggression. My eyes burst open to try and show her that I mean no harm, and I’m sorry for hurting her, however, when I see her growling, she’s not facing me, she’s facing the shadow. She’s facing him.