Page 25 of Tainted Essence
“What, say the truth?”
“No, don’t brush off what you’re feeling and put on that tough girl act.”
“It’s not an act,” she defends. “I am actually a sour bitch and I’m good with that.”
“No. You’re not a sour bitch, you’re just hardened by the events of your past.”
I know exactly how that feels.
Destiny
I can tell he means what he says. I’ve never spoken to anyone about what happened between me and Koda, not even my best friend Janice knows. I don’t even know Taylan, that sounds fucking stupid considering the amount of times we’ve now fucked but you don’t need feel or know someone to have their cock inside you. If my mother knew the way I thought about sex she would have a meltdown. My mom has always preached to me that your body is like a temple and you need to cherish it. Given what she went through, I understand why she needed me to know this stuff from a young age.
“You are the second person I have slept with,” I admit. I feel Taylan tense but don’t say anything more, giving him time to digest what I just said.
“I want to say thank you but I feel like you would dick punch me if I did.” I can’t stop the laughter from bursting out of me, he’s not wrong, I would have done that. When he trails his fingers through my hair, I melt into him further enjoying the feeling. “If it helps, you're the first Russian-American I have ever slept with.” We both laugh at his stupid declaration.
“I guess you’re my first Canadian.”
“I’ll be the only Canadian you fuck, Slayer.” His proclamation has us both going silent for a beat until I break it.
“Koda Novikov said all the right things, did everything that would make any girl fall for him and I did.” It tastes bitter on my tongue admitting that shit out loud. “He was my TA and off limits. That didn’t stop me and my friends from staring at him or picturing ourselves fucking him. One day, when I went to the gym early, he was there. It was just me and him. I remember being so nervous when he jumped on the treadmill beside me that I tried to not look at him, but I couldn’t help it, he smiled and butterflies erupted inside me. We began talking, then got coffee. For the next two weeks I went to the gym early just so I could talk to him.”
“He was vetting you,” Taylan says softly.
I nod. “At the time I didn’t realize that, I thought he just wanted to get to know me and hang out. After a month of meeting at the gym he asked me on a date. I agreed. We went to dinner, then he took me to a movie. I thought he would try to bust a move or something but he didn’t, he took me back to my dorm, walked me to the door, kissed me on the cheek, then left.”
“He hooked you then, didn’t he?”
It burns to admit it but he’s right. “Yeah. We started hanging out more often, on our fifth date I didn’t want it to end so he took me back to his apartment. I thought for sure he would try something then but he didn’t, he set me up in his room and took the couch. He never pushed me to sleep with him, we kissed and touched but never took it further until a few weeks later. I wanted to try things and he was eager to teach me, we fooled around but didn’t fuck.”
I can feel Taylan’s breathing accelerate, knowing that he is about to hear my darkest secret soon.
“Your first time was taken from you, wasn’t it?” he asks.
I ignore his question and continue on with my story. “One of my friends figured out that we were seeing each other. She threatened to tell and I told Koda about it but he didn’t seem worried. Two days after she went missing. I went to his apartment to tell him about Molly being MIA. I let myself in with the key he gave me. I looked for him but didn’t find any sign of him but I did see everything I needed to.”
“What did you see?”
“Molly’s purse was on the counter next to a bloody butcher’s knife. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions but I couldn’t help it. I waited for him to get home, when he walked through the door and saw me sitting there he looked different. I got a glimpse at the man behind the mask. He was no longer the guy I had fallen for—he was a monster. The moment he closed the door and locked it behind himself, I knew I was in trouble.” I didn’t realize I was shaking until Tay’s arm tightened around me.
“I’m right here, Slayer, he can’t touch you,” he assures me.
I take a deep breath and force myself to carry on. “The second he put his hands on me I froze, every ounce of training went out the window when he punched me.” His hold on me turns punishing as his anger rises, but I don’t let it deter me and force myself to carry on. “He beat me. Raped me and then chained me up in his bathroom for two days, trying to torture the information about my mom’s business from me. I never broke, no matter what he did to me. I never fucking broke.” Taylan releases me and stands. I watch as he begins to pace the living room, feeling belittled and ashamed. I shared my story with him only for him to pull away and not even look at me.
Finally telling someone my story I thought I would feel freed, but Taylan’s reaction isn’t what I was expecting.
“Am I that disgusting?” I grit out, trying to keep the bitterness out of my tone but failing. He stops pacing and turns to face me with an astonished look on his face.
“Of course not.”
“Bullshit, you couldn't get away from me fast enough.”
He shakes his head looking all types of out of sorts. “Destiny, your first time was stolen from you and here I am fucking you like a savage. I’m so fucking sorry.” I stare at him in astonishment, he doesn’t think I’m disgusting.
He’s angry at himself.
“I gave you consent, remember?” He tugs on the strands of his hair as he stares down at me.