Page 74 of No More Lies

Steve sat hunched forward, his elbows braced on his knees, staring at his clasped hands. He hadn't said a word since she’d stopped talking and the uncomfortable silence lingered. She was beginning to regret saying anything. She loved her husband, but she also didn't know how she could stop feeling the way she did. Something had to change.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” she said quietly. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself very well.”

Steve raised his head, and she was shocked to see tears in his eyes.

“I can’t believe you felt like this for.... how long?” he croaked.

“Look, I’m overreacting. I’m upset with what’s going on.” She tried to reason, hating seeing him upset.

“No. You meant what you said and I’m glad you said it. How long?” he repeated.

She looked down. “A while.”

“How long is a while? Weeks, months, years?” His voice was soft.

“A year, maybe. It’s gotten worse over the past few months.” She turned to face the window again, not able to look at him. Footfalls, then he was behind her, his arms sliding around her waist. The tears she’d been fighting rolled down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Angel. I knew something was wrong and we should have had this talk a long time ago. I hate that I didn’t see just how unhappy you were, and I hate that you think you’re a failure. I hate that you didn't talk to me sooner. Most of all, I hate that you ever felt alone.”

She couldn't speak. The tears came harder now. The floodgates opened, releasing the buildup from the past months. He turned her in his arms and hugged her tightly as sobs shook her body. Months of despair poured out.

“I love you, Diane, and I don't want to lose you. We are going to get through this. I need to understand why you feel this way and how we can change it. I heard everything you said, and I’m ashamed that I didn't see how hard things have been for you.”

She gripped the front of his t-shirt and buried her head in his chest. They stood that way for a long time. Steve rubbed her back and held her tight, letting her cry it out. Eventually, she lifted her head and pulled back slightly, feeling and seeing Steve’s saturated t-shirt.

He loosened his hold, and she wiped her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

When he lifted her chin and she saw the pain in his face, she swallowed. “You have nothing to be sorry about,” he whispered before kissing her forehead.

“I know I should have spoken up before now, but I... just couldn’t. I don't want to feel this way, and I truly didn't want to worry you. What you do is dangerous, and I don't want to be the reason you are distracted. I should be able to manage the home front and first world problems while you’re out risking your life. I feel like I’ve let you down. That I’ve let everyone down. You deserve someone stronger than me.”

“Angel, you could never let me down. It upsets me that you didn’t talk to me sooner, but I’m more upset that I didn’t see it. I’m your husband, and I’m meant to be the one you can lean on. The one you can turn to for anything. The one to support you. I...”

She cut him off with a finger over his lips. “Don’t. I love you, and you are a wonderful husband. I got good at putting on a smile and pretending everything is fine. You did ask me multiple times what was wrong. I just... I don’t know... I couldn’t.”

Steve cupped her face, and the intensity of his gaze brought a lump to her throat.

“Please tell me you’re not leaving me.” His words were barely more than a whisper and the fear on his face pierced her heart.

Placing her hands over his, she held his gaze. “No. I’m not leaving you. My love for you hasn’t changed. But I do know I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to feel this unhappy anymore. You are not the problem, I am. I feel so embarrassed at how pathetic I am. Maybe you should be leaving me.”

He shook his head. “You are not pathetic, and there is nothing to feel embarrassed about. I love you, and no matter what you tell me, that’s never going to change. I will never leave you. For better or worse, remember? I’ve been a shitty husband recently. I’m the one that’s embarrassed and ashamed. But if you’re not leaving me, and I'm not leaving you, and we love each other, there is nothing we can’t work through. I swear to you, Angel, whatever it takes to make this right, to help you, I will do.” He gave her a soft kiss on the lips. “Will you talk to me? Let me help you? I want to know everything.”

She bit her lip. Could she? She wanted to, but right now? With everything happening?

“There’s so much going on, Steve. Maybe we should wait until this situation with Volkov is done and Megan is back home.”

“The team is working the situation, Megan is safe, and I am not going anywhere. Dex will let me know if anything changes. In the meantime, all we can do is wait. Seems like the perfect time to talk.” he said softly, his thumbs stroked her cheeks. “Plus, I’m not making love to you until we talk, remember?” he added with a small smile.

She smiled and a little of the tension left her body. “Well now you’re just blackmailing me.”

His smile widened. “Is it working?”

She stared into her husband’s eyes. If she couldn't share how she felt and be honest with her husband, then what chance did they have to work through this?

“OK,” she whispered.

He took hold of her hand and led her to the sofa. He sat and pulled her down next to him, placing an arm around her shoulders. Diane snuggled into his chest willingly. They sat in silence. Diane knew she needed to start talking, but before she could, Steve spoke.