Page 63 of The Book Swap
“I saw you there once, but only your back.” I signal toward Eileen, wishing for a moment that she were a real person who could speak up and tell Erin it’s the truth. Believe the boy, Erin. It’s fucking true. “Saw the coat and the bag and then I... You sat beside me on the bus and I recognized the bag, but...”
I can see that she remembers her behavior. That she didn’t give me much time.
“You could have said something. Then, or when I asked for your name.” She looks behind her, and when she turns back, her eyes are brimming with tears. “I told you everything in the pages of those books. I gave you all of me.”
“So did I.” I take a step toward her. I need her to hear me. “I’ve never admitted half of those things to anyone before.”
“But don’t you see how that’s different?” Her hair falls in front of her face and I instinctively reach up to tuck it behind her ear, getting so close I can feel the static of her skin against me before I drop my hand. God, I want to know what it feels like to touch her skin. Not like we did in school, but properly. To feel it beneath my fingertips. I’ve come close, so many times. “You chose to reveal those things, knowing it was me. I never got to make that choice. You took it from me.”
Heat rushes to my cheeks as what she’s saying sinks in.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. If I told you, you’d never reply. It’d be over.”
She shakes her head. “That was never your decision to make.”
The driver’s door opens, and I forgot, for a second, that the car was even there. That for Erin to step out of the passenger seat, there had to be someone driving.
“Hi, James,” Georgia says, nodding at me. “Come on, Erin.”
The second her sister’s arm is around her, her whole body collapses.
“I swear I was about to tell you,” I say, my voice so pathetic I hate myself even more. “I’ve spent all weekend trying to find the right book.”
Georgia carries Erin toward the car. I’m waiting for her to say something back. Anything. Instead, her sister bundles her into the passenger seat and goes to close the door.
“I can’t lose you, Erin,” I shout, trying to think about what I might have told her in the margins. Trying to find the strength to say it in person. “Not again. You’re right. We were more than friends, back then. I loved you. I was in love with you and I’m not sure that’s ever stopped. I’m really sorry.”
Georgia freezes, holding the door slightly open. I guess it’s in case there’s anything Erin might want to say in return. Then Georgia nods and shuts the door.
I stand there, the books under my arm, as she climbs into the driver’s seat and reverses slowly back up the road.
There was so much more I could have said, but I don’t think it matters. Erin is never going to be willing to hear me out. Nothing I say can ever make up for breaking her trust. Twice.
“Fuck!” I shout into the air. “Fuck, fuckety fucking shitty FUCK!” I glance back toward the library and I know that while Erin most definitely hates me now, I’ve probably risen in Eileen’s estimation.
Joel calls me as I’m exiting Highbury & Islington to mope my way into work again, and I know I have to answer. I don’t even know when it was I last spoke to him, but I know it was before everything happened with Erin. I’ve been too ashamed to speak to anyone since then.
“Finally! What the hell’s going on? Wait. First. Guess where I am?” he says before I can tell him anything.
“I don’t know? Home?”
“Yes! How did you guess that?”
“You’re in Frome?”
“Frome isn’t home. I keep telling you this. I’m in Orlando. Taken a two-week holiday from work. My first in years. Figured I’d try to fit some actual living into this life of mine.”
Frowning, I pull the phone away from my ear to stare at it, and put it back.
“What? You didn’t tell me that at boxing?”
He laughs. “Are you joking? I was trying to. I couldn’t get a word in with all those punches you were throwing.”
I think back to that day. It’s like I knew something bad was about to happen.
“Erin saw me at the library,” I blurt out.
“Fuck.”