Page 64 of The Book Swap
“Yeah.”
I feel the familiar racing in my chest. Stop walking to try to still it.
“I’m guessing...?”
“She’s as angry, if not angrier than when we were at school. I’ve totally fucked it.”
“You need to tell me these things. I thought I made that clear? I have many questions I’ll come back to, but speaking of school, did you get that invite to speak at the college?”
“How did you know about that?”
“I got one too.”
My heart starts racing even faster. All my thoughts of Erin, coupled with imagining walking back through the school gates. That and...
“That job offer you messaged about before you went quiet on me. Don’t you dare take it. I’ve been thinking about you a lot this trip.”
“Yeah?” I can hardly get the word out. My chest is tightening as I listen, and I can feel my breath quickening. I start walking down the hill toward work. I need to keep moving.
“Yeah...these—” he’s breaking up “—TED talks... One life, man... Just wasting...”
“I can’t hear you. Joel?” The phone goes dead and I stare at it. I don’t know what he was going to say but I’m not sure if now’s the time to hear it. It feels like too much. Like each thought is another block of Jenga, stacking higher and higher inside me, precariously close to toppling.
I’ve messed it all up with Erin. She’ll never forgive me. When I last spoke to Dad, he said Mum had taken out a credit card to order all of the best equipment required for laying carpet. She was talking rapidly in the background, even once Dad had closed the door. All signs I need to prepare myself to get home. I’ve got to tell Dorothy if I want the job, and prepare a speech to prove myself back at college. Joel’s jumbled words are on repeat in my head. My body starts to tingle and I feel light-headed, stumbling for a second. There’s a flashing in my eyes and everything starts spinning. I actually feel like I might...
When I open my eyes, I’m staring into the face of Helena.
“There we go,” she says, crouching beside me on the pavement, as though the months of silence between us haven’t happened. “Just try to breathe for me.” She takes a deep breath in and back out, nodding toward me to do the same.
Pulling myself up onto my elbows, I look around. There are a few other people standing over me, watching. My stomach hardens and I want to get up and leave, but my head’s still swimming. I’m not sure I can walk yet.
“He’s fine,” Helena shouts, but the crowd has already started to disperse. It’s never as interesting once the person on the ground opens their eyes. “He’s my friend. I can take it from here.” She turns her attention back to me. “My boyfriend owns a shop just here, and it’s full of comfortable armchairs.” She grins. “Come in and I’ll make you a sweet tea. Try to get some color back in your face.”
I move slowly to my feet and walk behind her, sitting down in the nearest chair I see. Helena disappears.
“You were only out a few seconds,” she shouts, answering the first question I have. “I was just coming to put some chairs out and saw you go down.”
I look around me, taking in the shop as I wait for my face to stop tingling. For my ears to clear and the world to feel steady again. It’s full of furniture, which is what’s creating the musty smell, with a glass cabinet of jewelry in the corner by the till. Helena’s got a boyfriend, and this is his shop. What are the chances?
Slowly, I can feel the blood returning to my head. She comes back, a tea towel over her shoulder. I thought it would feel awkward to see her again, but I’m grateful for the familiar face, and to Helena for taking control without seeming to need an explanation. She hands me a mug and I reach out to take it, clutching it between my hands.
“Thanks,” I say. “For this—and for not leaving me out on the street, when you had every right to.”
“Right?” she says, her eyes lighting up as she laughs. She’s in love. I can see it. Too happy to care about the guy who once messed her around. Especially now that he’s been punished by passing out in public. “I’m kidding. It’s no problem. Mike’s at an auction so I said I’d open up for him. It was obviously meant to be.” The sparkle disappears from her eyes as she leans her head to one side. “Are you okay? What happened?”
Somehow, it feels exactly right that it was Helena who found me. I don’t deserve for her to listen, but I know she will anyway. I take a sip of the tea, enjoying the sweetness.
“My life’s imploded. I feel like I might be losing my mind.”
I stare down into my mug, frowning. In a variety of different fonts, it says, Hold On. Let Me Overthink This.
She catches me reading it and grimaces. “God, sorry. I should have gone for the Same Hours in the Day as Beyoncé one, shouldn’t I?”
Laughing, I settle into the chair and start talking. At one point she stands up and turns over the sign on the shop door. She leans on her hands, new silver rings twinkling as I speak. She gets up and makes more tea, and doesn’t offer too much in the way of advice in response while I talk. She just listens. I cover Mum, and Dad’s tour offer. Elliot and his loneliness. My job offer, and the talk back at college. Finally, I reach Erin. I owe it to Helena to explain it all. She shakes her head, and smiles at the mention of Erin’s name.
“None of that stuff about you and Erin surprises me,” she says when I wonder if I’ve said too much. “You two were inseparable at school. With Bonnie of course, but I always thought... Well, I was surprised you didn’t get together, put it that way.”
I bite down on my lip, staring at the ground. I was surprised too.