Page 46 of Inevitable

So he waited. Talking was hard. Exposing the messier side of things made you vulnerable and left you feeling raw. Ezra knew all that. It was why he usually avoided discussing anything related to what he was feeling.

“This is not going according to my plan,” Bas whispered. His voice was so quiet Ezra could barely hear him. “I’m jealous. This is not how it’s supposed to go. I’m not supposed to feel this way.”

It took a moment to compute what Bas had even meant.

“Of me?” Ezra turned his face to the side, glancing at Bas from the corner of his eye. The man gave a jerky nod like his body was resisting the confession.

“Both of you. I’m jealous of you because of Drew, and I’m jealous of Drew because of you.” Bas closed his eyes. “This was not the plan.”

Bas was quiet for a moment, and Ezra didn’t interrupt the silence, letting Bas say what needed to be said.

“I keep picturing the life you and Drew could have. And I don’t think either of you would miss much without me being in that picture. In fact, you’d probably win. There’d be less fights. You two could be together without the weird roommate hovering somewhere in the periphery. It’d be easy. Intimate. There’d be holding hands. Kissing. Dinners with friends. Sharon might actually like you since you’re not always late, and you won’t abandon Drew because you lose track of time again and again. Vacations. Nights cuddling on the couch. Talking. Just being together. You two could have all that. Half of his family would still be assholes, but you’d at least give him something worthwhile in return.”

Ezra couldn’t face the door any longer. He turned around in Bas’s arms. Their faces were so close together Ezra could see himself in Bas’s eyes.

“Drew lights up when he’s with you.”

Ezra couldn’t help it—even if it was wrong, Bas’s words filled him with joy.

“And it turns out I’m selfish as fuck because I thought I could come to terms with it. That if somebody came along and Drew would fall in love, I could take it. I could take a step back and be happy for him.”

Ezra swallowed hard. Something seemed to be lodged in his throat, and it wouldn’t go down. “He’s not falling for me.”

“He can’t help falling for you,” Bas said. “It’s happening. I can see it. I can feel it. And it sucks, but it’s also kind of all right because it’s you.” Bas looked away, refusing to meet Ezra’s gaze. “I could still have both of you as friends. You wouldn’t make him choose or give ultimatums. I don’t mean things wouldn’t have to change. At least to some extent. You two probably won’t want to share an apartment with me at some point. I…”

“Stop.” Ezra’s heart was beating in a wild staccato. Somehow, in the last ten seconds, he’d gone from a semi-secret crush to moving in with Drew. Everything was moving so fast that his head was spinning, and at the same time, nothing was actually happening.

“You’re wrong.” He managed to push the words out, even though it felt like his throat was closing up.

Bas closed his eyes and shook his head. “I’m a fucking idiot is what I am.”

Bas’s breaths whispered over Ezra’s skin.

“Let me get this straight,” he said, trying to wrap his head around everything that Bas had said. “You’re planning a relationship for me and Drew in your head? One where Drew and I hold hands and take vacations and cuddle on the couch? And… live together, apparently. Just the two of us.”

For a second Ezra could see it in his mind, and it was everything he’d ever secretly wanted and dreamed of. But then Bas took a step back, and then another one. And the dream started to dim, becoming hazier and hazier as Bas retreated until it popped like a soap bubble.

“Just to clarify,” Ezra said loudly, stopping Bas. “Since when are you opposed to talking and holding hands and vacations and kissing?”

Bas’s jaw clenched, and he still refused to look at Ezra. “Kissing in your case could actually lead to something.”

Ezra took a step back and immediately ran into the door. He ignored it.

“You’re projecting,” he said. “You’re insecure, and you’re projecting. You and Drew are fighting because you’ve been cutting yourself off from him in your attempt to… what? Fix him up with me? Because that’s how it works? Because all Drew really wants from a partner is sex, right? That’s all it takes, right? That’s what it comes down to. So, you’ll just step back and gift him me. Like I’m some sort of a glorified sex toy.” Ezra straightened himself. The more he thought about that, the more pissed off he got. “You’ve been cutting yourself off from him. You said you saw us the other night. That Drew was happy with me? That he was smiling and laughing, you said.”

Bas nodded, finally facing Ezra.

“Do you think he would have been less happy if you would have been sitting on that couch with us?”

Bas shrugged, hugging himself.

“Did you ever think maybe he would have been happier with you there?” Ezra shuffled even closer. “That we both would have been happier?” he asked, the annoyance clear in his voice. He’d never stripped himself emotionally in front of somebody else like that. It was grating and irritating, and it made him even angrier.

Wasn’t coming clean supposed to be freeing? Instead, he felt slightly nauseous.

Bas’s Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed.

“Would you have been?” he asked quietly.