Page 78 of Won't Back Down
She knit her hands together. “The last time anyone saw him was the week before Gwen disappeared.”
Untangling her fingers, I laced them with mine. “Is that what’s got you upset? You think he had something to do with what happened to Gwen?”
Her throat worked as she swallowed, and her eyes took on a haunted edge. “I don’t know. But tell me why he’s showing up in my nightmares.”
Her words sent a shiver down my spine. “What are you talking about?”
“You remember, a couple months ago, that night I woke up screaming and said that I’d been back in the hospital being chased by zombies?”
She hadn’t said a whole lot about that nightmare, but that piece had stuck. “Yeah. Hard to forget.”
“He was one of the zombies. He was shuffling along with the pack of them, blood trailing down from his head, dripping onto the rest of his clothes.” Her fingers tightened on mine. “Why did I dream of this man bleeding from the head two months ago, before we ever found the remains? Sawyer, what if I saw him murdered? What if that’s something locked away in my head?”
The idea of that was utterly terrifying on multiple fronts. If she saw a man be killed right in front of her, that very well might be traumatic enough to cause the kinds of reactions she had. But more, if she’d seen the murder, then presumably she might have seen who’d pulled the trigger, and that person might believe she was a threat.
Willa took a deep breath. “I think I have to try. I think I have to push in a way I never have before.”
“No. Not only because it will hurt you, but because if any word leaks out that you’re starting to remember what happened that night, if whoever killed this man is still around, they could perceive you as a threat and come after you.” And how could I protect her when I had no idea what direction the danger might come from?
“They could come after me anyway, whether I remember or not. I don’t know why they haven’t before now.”
“Either because they’re no longer on-island at all, or because they’re close enough to know you’ve never remembered. Plus, there was no body, until recently. No one even knew Joe Anderson was missing until we stumbled on his remains. If his killer is still here, he’s gotta be sweating bullets, wondering if he’s gonna get caught. That makes whoever it is dangerous. We don’t need to do anything to draw attention to you.”
“I get that. But you were right in what you said when Jace was here. A part of me is still running. I haven’t completely taken back my island. There are whole chunks I avoid. I’ve done everything possible to stop myself from reacting. To not put myself in a position to get triggered. Because once I go down that rabbit hole, I can’t stop myself. And it usually involves pain and sickness and general horribleness.”
She tightened her hold on my hands. “This last time—yes, it was bad—but you kept me grounded. I knew you were there. Part of me did, anyway. I knew I was safe with you, even though I couldn’t stop all the reactions that were happening. And I think… if I hadn’t fought it so hard, if maybe I’d leaned into the fragments and flashes I was seeing instead of focusing on the terror, maybe I would’ve seen more.”
I didn’t like this. Any of it. “What are you saying?”
She framed my face in her hands and pressed her brow to mine. “I think I have to try to face this. I think I have to try to remember. And I want to do it with you there. To see if I can push through. If I know who killed this guy, or if this had something to do with what happened to Gwen, I owe it to her to try. And God, I owe it to myself. I’ve been living with this hole in my memories for years. And I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s okay that I can’t remember. But I don’t feel complete. I’m so aware, all the time, that there’s a piece missing. If I can do this, if I can get answers, I have to take the risk.”
I hated everything about this. I didn’t want her to do anything that would put her in danger or in pain. But she wasn’t wrong. If whoever was out there thought she was a material witness and believed she could remember, then she’d be inherently in danger for the rest of her life, whether she ever remembered or not.
Better that she try to excavate those memories on purpose, to potentially identify the killer, so that the police could do their job and get them off the street.
I eased back to look into her face. “I don’t like it, but I get it. And I’ll support you. We need to talk about this and make a careful plan for how to approach it in a controlled manner, so that you’re as safe as you can be.”
“I can agree to that.” She straightened. “I think we have to call the others.”
CHAPTER 35
WILLA
It took nearly a week for everything to come together. Because I wanted to mimic the circumstances of the night everything went wrong as much as possible, we waited for the weather to cooperate. The storm off the coast wasn’t anything worrisome. Certainly not a hurricane. It might not even make it close to land before we were through with all of this. But it would add to the ambiance and hopefully be another weight on the side of remembering.
“Okay, Daniel’s in place and has the bonfire started. Bree’s in-bound with dinner. It’s time.” Sawyer smoothed his hands down my arms. “You ready?”
I took a breath. “As I’ll ever be.”
Gabi extended a hand with two little orange pills in her palm. “Remember, the propranolol will help control your heart rate and the shaking and sweating. You’ll be a little tired, but it won’t sedate you or affect your memory.”
That had been Gabi’s genius idea. Use chemistry to circumvent the physiological aspects of the panic attack. I’d been nervous. Since my time at the hospital, the only prescription meds I’d taken were antibiotics. But we’d done a test run earlier in the week, which had allowed Sawyer to drive me all the way to the edge of Osprey Beach. I’d still been ill at ease, but I hadn’t lost control. It had felt… miraculous.
I swallowed down the pills with most of a glass of water.
“It’ll take about an hour for it to reach peak efficacy, so that gives us time to get out there, have some food, play with the dogs.”
That was another element of the plan. While we wanted to duplicate the bonfire, we also didn’t want to draw attention to ourselves. If anybody was watching, this would just look like a group of friends hanging out at the beach, as so many people did. It wouldn’t be until after that I’d really begin pushing things. Assuming I lasted that long.