Page 18 of Say You'll Stay
I blink, realizing I’ve been staring blankly at my plate. “Sorry, I was just…thinking about work,” I lie, the words tasting like ashes on my tongue.
But even as I utter the falsehood, I know the truth - my mind is consumed by June, by the aching longing for his steadfast presence, the comfort and security I once found in his embrace.
I can almost picture him here, beside me, his hand on my knee in a silent promise of protection, a rock in the storm. The realization hits me like a sucker punch to the gut, and I feel tears prickling at the corners of my eyes.
Excusing myself, I retreat to the bathroom, letting the dam break as great, shuddering sobs wrack my frame.
I feel like I’m losing my mind, like the very foundations of my world are crumbling beneath me. But even in the depths of my despair, there’s a flicker of something else - a fierce, unyielding refusal to let this unseen force break me.
I’ve come too far, fought too hard, to let someone else dictate the course of my life.
Splashing water on my face, I take a series of deep, steadying breaths, willing my racing heart to calm. When I return to the table, my smile is genuine, if a bit weary. “Sorry about that,” I say, my voice stronger than I feel. “I just needed a moment.”
Sonya, ever in tune with my shifting moods, reaches out and gives my hand a gentle squeeze under the table. “You know we’re here for you, right?” she murmurs, her eyes shining with concern.
I feel a lump form in my throat, overwhelmed by the depth of their love and support. “I know,” I manage, offering her a grateful nod.
Song chimes in, his tone gentle but resolute. “Whatever’s going on, Cara, you don’t have to face it alone. We’ve got your back, sis.”
Their words are a balm to my battered soul, I want to open up, to unburden myself and let them help carry the weight of my fears. But the words stick in my throat, a stubborn reminder that I’m not ready, not yet.
“Thanks, guys,” I breathe, my voice thick with emotion. “I know you’re here for me. I just…I need a little more time.”
They nod, understanding in their eyes.
No demands, no pressure - just an unwavering acceptance that bolsters me, even as I struggle to find the strength to confide in them fully.
As the night wears on, I’m swept up in the familiar ebb and flow of my siblings’ playful banter, Louis’s quick wit providing a lighthearted counterpoint. The comfortable silences between us is more than welcome.
A needed reminder that I have people who love me, who will be there to catch me when I inevitably fall.
And yet, even amidst the warmth and security of my makeshift family, I can feel the weight of their unspoken questions, the lingering concern in their gazes. They know something is wrong, that I’m shouldering a burden too heavy for one person to bear.
But they also respect my need for space, my right to share my troubles on my own terms.
It’s in these quiet moments, when the laughter fades and the conversation lulls, that the ghosts of my past come creeping back - not just June, but the growing sense of unseen eyes tracking my every move.
As I lie in bed that night, I can’t help but wonder if I’m truly safe, even here. The missing underwear, swirls in my mind, a disquieting tapestry of beckoning insanity.
The shadows seem to press in, whispering secrets that chill me to the bone. What if the stalker finds me, even in this supposed refuge? What if they make good on their threat, and I lose June forever?
The thought is like a knife to my heart, twisting and tearing.
Despite everything, despite the pain and heartbreak, I still ache for June’s presence, the comfort of his strong arms and the reassurance of his unwavering devotion.
Even now, with so much unresolved between us, the mere idea of losing him forever is almost more than I can bear.
Curling into myself, I allow the tears to flow freely, no longer concerned with maintaining a brave face. In the privacy of this room, I let the grief and fear have their way, sobs wracking my body as I mourn the shattered remnants of the life I once knew.
June’s face, etched into the photo tucked safely in my bag, is a phantom presence that both haunts and comforts me.
I trace the familiar lines of his features, memorizing every detail, as if committing them to memory could somehow keep him tethered to me, no matter the distance that now lies between us.
“I need you,” I whisper into the darkness, my voice small and tremulous. “I still need you, June. Even after everything…”
The admission hangs in the air, a confession that cuts to the quick of my battered heart. I may be surrounded by the love and support of my family, but the truth remains - it is June’s presence, his unwavering strength and steadfast devotion, that I crave most in this moment of crisis.
And so, in the quiet solitude of this borrowed room, I allow myself to truly grieve - not just for the threats that now loom over me, but for the shattered remnants of the life I once shared with the man I love.