Page 84 of Capuleto

I stood up and turned my back on him. I breathed deeply several times, seeking confidence in the rehearsed conversation.

“How did he die?”

“He was a member of my squadron; we were captured and they slit his throat in front of me. I couldn’t do anything… Nothing, just watch him die, accompany him with my eyes until the last gurgle of blood announced his death. I still dream about it, the impotence that shook every one of my bones, the horror of staying alive while he was forced to leave.”

Two arms wrapped around my body, drawing me close to the warmth I had missed so much.

“It must have been really fucked up.” I didn’t push him away; I couldn’t, I needed him too much.

“It was,” I sighed, letting him comfort me. It wasn’t a sexual touch but one of consolation, the kind that says, “Hey, I’m here and you can tell me.” It had been a long time since I’d received one of those.

“I’ve never fallen in love,” he confessed, and his words coiled around the base of my spine. “Well, I thought I liked a guy, but he ran away when I tried to open up and tell him I believed in us. It took me a hell of a lot to admit it, and he suggested it was better for each of us to go our own way. Apparently, I wasn’t enough.” His words churned the whirlpool of emotions I felt for Aleksa, strangling me under his grip. I had heard it from outside, as if it had nothing to do with me; the “what an idiot” slipped out on its own.

"Quite a lot, actually."

"I imagine you don't want anything to do with that bastard anymore," I questioned, my pulse accelerating helplessly.

"Things aren’t that simple. Not when you start feeling something you’ve never felt for someone else, no matter how obtuse, taciturn, and stiff they are. Still, he's going to have to work for it if he wants me to look at him the same way again."

I bit back the smile that wanted to emerge on my lips along with the hope that all wasn't lost.

"That seems fair."

He stopped hugging me, and I felt empty. I wanted to feel him, touch him, kiss him, fuck him against any surface. I turned around and anchored my gaze to his, with the intensity of a kiss that encompasses thousands of silences.

He backed up and, with a leap, settled on the table. He had unzipped his jacket because it was hot, and some drops of sweat ran down his tense abdomen. I wanted to run my tongue over them, savor him in my mouth and in my soul.

Neither of us broke the visual contact that held us. I had to make a decision. If I wanted to play with fire, I couldn't be afraid of burns. If I wanted to swim in pleasure, I couldn't be terrified of drowning. I wanted to die again, but this time from the pleasure his lips on my body would produce.

My feet walked in his direction, and I planted myself in front of him. At another time, Aleksa would have pulled me to his mouth with the hunger reflected in his eyes. However, he wasn’t going to move, he wasn't going to, he had made it clear where he stood, and I had to decide if I wanted to go for him.

I had no idea what it would take to correct my mistakes and conquer a guy like Aleksa. He wasn't one for sweet words or hearts. I didn’t even know how to approach him, damn it!

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, tilting his head. I ran a hand behind my neck, somewhat embarrassed by what I was going to confess.

"Whether you're more into flowers or chocolates..." Aleksa couldn't contain his laughter.

"I’ve always been more into cocks, love taking them in my mouth," he said, raising his eyebrows. And I felt my face heat up.

He laughed again.

"Russian, are you blushing?" I took two more steps and positioned myself between his legs, fearful of screwing it up again.

"It's just that I don't know what to do, my thing is weapons and killing people. I don’t want to mess up more than I already have with you, I don't know if I can give you what you want. I'm not good at romance; I'm not even good at relationships or friends. Maybe it’s best I step back and you try to have something with Álvaro. I won't blame you, I doubt I’d want anything to do with myself."

I went to pull away, but Aleksa’s long legs wrapped around my waist, eliminating the little space left between us.

"Oh, shut up and kiss me already."

33

The Gift

We arrived home exhausted.

I was increasingly convinced that Yuri was behind the explosion, and I didn't know where that left me.

Ana María had the foresight to leave us some containers with dinner, which we only had to heat up. That woman was worth her weight in gold.