Page 47 of The Three of Us
‘But you married someone else. We can’t ignore that, can we? Or the fact that she’s pregnant? I told you before, I can’t be the third person in all of this, the bit on the side, the dirty little secret. Your wife doesn’t even know I exist, and I hope to God it stays that way. But I know about her, and that means I have a choice, whereas she really doesn’t.’
‘What if I told her?’ He has no idea where that has just come from, but suddenly he means it. Come clean. Do the right thing. Get it all out in the open and sod the consequences.
Carly gapes at him, her pink lipstick mouth poised as if to say something that fails to come out.
‘I mean it, Carly. What if I told the truth? Told her everything?’
‘There is no everything. Nothing to tell. We don’t really know each other, Jack. We fancy each other rotten, I admit that much. But we’ve never even slept together. What we have is no basis for big confessions, for wrecking a marriage. I don’t want to be responsible for that.’
‘How do we know, if we don’t give it a try?’
‘I can’t do this. I can’t have this conversation. Not here. We’re at work. Someone could walk in. And we haven’t even started to talk about this project that means so much to you.’
‘It’s not the only thing that means so much to me, and you know it.’
‘The baby…’
‘That’s below the belt, Carly. I never wanted a baby. I still don’t know if I want a baby.’
‘A bit late for that. You’re having one, like it or not. It’s not going away.’
‘I know. It’s just… look, Carly, I haven’t really talked about this before. Well, only to my mum and dad. But I’ve been in this position before.’
‘Position?’
‘A pregnancy I hadn’t planned, hadn’t expected. I was just a kid really. We both were.’
‘You and Molly?’
‘No, no. Before Molly. A girl from school. The typical stupid snog behind the bike shed kind of thing. Except it was actually a barn full of pigs. And I was all bravado and raging hormones, and thinking nothing could touch me, you know. The big I Am. Not stopping to think. When she told me she was having a baby, I totally lost it. Shouted, swore, blamed her, denied it, tried to wriggle out of it, the lot. I’m not proud of myself, but I was seventeen. I knew nothing about abortions or how to get one, and I didn’t have the cash anyway. There was nothing I could do but own up to it, tell Mum, who told Dad, and before I knew it I was marched down to this girl’s house and there was this big pow-wow that seemed to go on for hours. Angry voices and tears and shame… Well, it all got sorted, quickly and quietly, Dad paying, the girl going away for a while, taking time out of school.’
‘The girl? Listen to yourself. Didn’t she have a name?’
‘Yes, of course. Sorry. I’m making her sound unimportant, aren’t I? And like it was all her fault, and I’m the only one affected by it all. Katie, that was her name. But at the time I admit I didn’t really give a thought to her, how she was feeling, even though it was her body, her baby, her choice to make. I was a selfish pig, I really was.’
‘And you’re still doing it, Jack. Her baby? It was yours too.’
‘Oh, God, I know. But it ended… well. Oh, I know that well isn’t the right word, but things could have been worse. Nobody found out. They moved house quite soon after, took her away from the village, and I never saw her again, but those few months, from the moment she told me until the day she left, were the most traumatic of my entire life.’
It’s not until she takes hold of his hand that he realises it’s trembling. ‘Does Molly know?’
‘No. Nobody does. I didn’t see the point. It’s history.’
‘Is it though? It’s obviously had an effect on you, a huge one. No wonder you’re a bit rattled, but it’s very different this time, isn’t it? This pregnancy was unplanned, yes, but you’re older, and you’re married. You’re not some Willoughby-type character, seducing young girls and getting away with it.’
‘Who?’
‘Never mind. He’s in a book. Sense and Sensibility.’
‘Oh, right. I can’t remember when I last read a book.’
‘Really?’ She looks shocked. ‘I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t reading a book. But, look, what I mean is that times have changed. And so have you, I hope. No need to go running to Daddy for a handout. No shame in what you’ve done. Your wife is pregnant. Your wife, Jack.’
‘I know. But it’s brought back a lot of that old feeling. Of it all happening again, things being out of my control, things I might not even want. I feel trapped, Carly. I’m not even sure why I married Molly, to be honest with you. I think maybe I was trying to just do the right thing, be respectable, honourable, you know, because I hadn’t been the first time. Once we had slept together, with condom very securely in place, I felt I owed her. Loyalty, a future… I couldn’t be that Jack-the-Lad bloke I’d been before.’
‘But did you love her, Jack? Do you love her now?’
He pauses, not sure what to say. Did he? Does he?