Page 118 of Tiny Fractures
“But how can you when you don’t… when we don’t…” I trail off, feeling embarrassed.
“Have sex?” he finishes for me, and I nod. “Because it’s really not about that,” he says, and moves out from between my legs. His eyes lazily roll over my body. “Sex isn’t everything. I mean, do I want to feel you all the way? I’d be a lying piece of shit if I said ‘no.’ Fuck, Cat, just the way you sound, your facial expression when you get turned on, when you lose control, fuck, it gets me so worked up. It’s seriously the biggest turn-on to know I can make you feel like that,” he says, his breathing picking up again. “But I told you I’m not going to push you, and I won’t. It’s more important to me that you feel safe and that when you say you’re ready, it’s really what you want,” he finishes resolutely.
I do feel safe with him. I feel completely protected, and not just physically—my soul as well.
A mischievous grin spreads across my face. “So, you’d be okay just doing this for the next year? Never going all the way?”
His face takes on a pained expression before he nods, swallowing hard. “Yep,” he says, then tries to plaster a smile on his gorgeous face.
“Really?” I say, then slowly slide my fingers down his bare chest, tracing his abs to the spot just above his jeans, grazing his skin. “You’ll wait forever and ever?” I glide one finger underneath the waistband of his boxer briefs.
His breath hitches, but still he nods. “Forever and ever,” he stammers, his bright-green eyes threatening to shut under my touch.
“Are you sure?” I breathe against him, inclining my mouth only an inch from his. I know I’m teasing him, and I know I shouldn’t. It’s such a shitty thing to do when I don’t have any intention of taking it further tonight. It’s exactly what got me in trouble with Adam, but I trust Ronan more than I’ve ever trusted anyone. I trust that I can be playful and flirty with him without him going nuclear on me.
“Uh-huh,” he groans when I begin to kiss his jawline down to his neck, and his eyes fall shut. I’m inching my hand further down his jeans, but never quite reaching all the way down to touch him. I can feel his body tense with anticipation, wanting to feel my touch on him.
“Are you two okay in there?” Tori’s dampened voice seeps through the door, and I instantly withdraw my hand.
“Why does the universe hate me?” Ronan grumbles under his breath, making me laugh.
“We’re fine,” I say loudly. “We’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay, no worries. They all just bugged me to check on you guys. Vada and Shane said they already have bad track records. Not sure what that means, but… see you in a minute,” Tori says, and I listen as her footsteps recede on the tiled floor.
“We should get out there, huh?” I turn my attention back to Ronan. His eyes are still bright and hooded with want, and I trace my index finger over his heated lips.
“No. In fact, we should never leave this room,” he sighs and leans in to kiss me softly.
“But we’d get all gross from not showering, and we’d starve, and then they’d find us dead in here together.”
Ronan shrugs his shoulders. “Dying in your arms actually sounds pretty peaceful,” he says, his voice taking on a different tone. I’m taken aback by the sudden sadness in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I wonder, searching his eyes for a reason of the sudden shift in mood.
“Nothing,” he says, and I raise my eyebrows at him. “It’s just kind of been an exhausting day, don’t you think?” I nod because, yes, it has been a draining day. “Alright, enough of this depressing shit. Let’s go,” he says and takes my hand, pulling me up to stand.
I pull my shirt and underwear back into place and slide back into my jeans while Ronan picks up his shirt and slips it over his head. I watch him the whole time, and he grins when he catches me staring.
“Like what you see?” he asks with a wicked grin, and to my surprise I don’t blush.
“Can’t say that I don’t,” I admit, smiling.
“Good. It’s all yours whenever you want it,” he says, and a by-now-familiar tingle forms in my stomach as he interlaces his fingers with mine and leads me out of the bedroom and onto the deck where our friends are hanging out.
***
We join our friends outside, taking our seats on the rattan sofa. Shane lights the fire pit and we roast smores while we chat about the craziness that was today. I haven’t told anyone about my history with Adam—well, except Ronan, of course—and I can tell they’re curious, though kind enough not to pry.
I decide to just come clean. Well, as much as I did with Ronan, I guess. I’m still not ready to disclose my transgression, my betrayals. I’m too ashamed to admit my complete lack of better judgment while I was in my short-lived relationship with Adam and not only allowed a guy to take compromising and vulnerable pictures of me, but continued to do so under threat of being found out. But I do tell them about the escalating physical violence Adam inflicted on me. I owe my friends at least that much. After all, they all witnessed what went down. Ronan threw himself in harm’s way to protect me, and so did Shane, Steve, and Zack.
Nobody speaks while I share with my friends. Ronan holds my hand the entire time, and when I get to the part where Adam started to choke me and tears begin to fall again, he pulls me onto his lap. I can feel his body tense with each additional detail that I haven’t previously shared with him. I really lay out the things Adam did to me during the five months we dated, the increasingly violent confrontations and arguments we had.
“Jesus, I get why Ran was on the brink of beating this guy to death,” Steve says when I finish, and Shane and Zack nod in unison.
“I don’t think I would have been able to stop if it hadn’t been for you and Shay pulling me away from this guy,” Ronan admits, and by the sound of his voice I know he means it. I look into his eyes, a mix of emotions rushing through my body: pain that I was the reason he was hurt today, but also so much gratitude that he was there to protect me.
“This Adam guy sounds like a real fucking douche,” Vada huffs. “Honestly, he looks like a douche, too,” she adds. “How ever did you end up with him, Kitty Cat?”