Page 28 of A Constant Love

She wasn’t wrong. Even though I had moved on in some parts, in others, I was still letting James control me.

It took me years to let someone into my world, and even though I had let Tyler in, I still tended to hold him at arm’s length, still preferring to handle matters on my own instead of asking for help.

I made people start calling me Sam just as a fuck you to James. He always said everyone should call me Samantha because Sam and Sammie were boys names. No girlfriend of his would have a boy name.

My mom had named me Samantha after her mother who had died shortly before I was born. She loved the name Samantha. I guess I loved it too until it became synonymous with pain…a constant reminder of the worst night of my life.

A few more minutes of pacing, and, I decided that it was time to start trying to get some of my life back by getting some closure. I figured a good place to start was going through my mom’s things and trying to remember all the good instead of the one bad.

Before I got to work, I headed into the bathroom to get my wet hair out of my face. Instead of my usual messy bun, I opted for a single long braid. Remembering how my mama used to braid my hair when I was little, I figured it was appropriate.

Walking back to the closet, I grabbed a handful of clothes, still on the hangers and set them on the bed to make it easier to try to tell what was what.

Dina Flemming was an avid thrift store shopper (when she actually felt like getting out of the house), so her collection of clothing was huge. It would take me forever to sift through it all.

I stood on my tip toes to try to reach the items on the shelf above all the clothing. Most of it was accessories and such. On one far end was an old shoe box which I assumed was full of all the old trinkets she was always collecting.

I pulled it down and took a seat on the floor, setting the box in my lap. But when I opened it, it wasn’t full of trinkets at all. Instead, there were letters. Sealed letters. Five of them.

The first one with my name on it.

Tears were already threatening to sting my eyes as I just stared at the handwriting…my mother’s handwriting.

Samantha

My hands shook as I tried to rip open the seal, and my heart was thumping so hard I could hear it in my ears.

When I finally got it open and pulled out the handwritten note, I leaned back against the wall and began to read.

Samantha,

I hope you’re reading this after you’ve cried your last tears over me. I hope your daddy gave it to you when he cleaned out my side of the closet. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I knew I wouldn’t get the chance.

First, I want you to know that your brothers, you, and your daddy were everything to me. I wish I could have been the mother you needed. My heart ached to be that perfect mom you guys deserved, but I just couldn’t, and for that, I’m sorry. But please never question my love for you. You four were my only shining light in the dark world I lived in.

Baby girl, I loved nothing more than watching you grow up. I watched you start out as a hardheaded, stubborn, firecracker of a little girl. And now, you are a beautiful, bright, equally stubborn eighteen-year-old. I couldn’t be prouder of you.

I know when you graduate, you are going to leave this town and go conquer the world…kicking ass and taking names…all the while lighting up every room you walk into. You have some huge dreams, and I know you’re going to achieve every single one of them.

And do me a favor, Sammie…don’t let James keep you from those dreams. I know you love him, and I’m sure some part of him loves you too, but he’s trying to change you. Don’t try to fit his mold. You were meant to break the damn mold.

Wait for the man who loves you for you. The man who would walk through hell just for a chance to hold your hand. The man who will make an ordinary day seem magical. The man who will give you butterflies no matter how many times he kisses you.

Your daddy was that for me, and I will never be able to thank him enough for all he did…all he sacrificed for me. And who knows? Maybe James will be that for you, but just between us baby girl, I think you can do better.

Whoever that man may be, I have a few choice words for him too. In this box, you will find a letter for the man you will one day choose to marry. It’s for him and him alone. Don’t open it, Samantha Lynn.

I wish I could be there when you finally walk down the aisle. I wish I could see your high school graduation. I wish I could see the beautiful babies you’ll one day have after you conquer the world.

I’m so sorry I will miss all these things. The voices just wouldn’t leave me alone, and I couldn’t risk hurting any of you. And the depression has gotten out of control.

I will never stop loving you, and just know, I will always be watching after you. If you ever need someone to talk to, just know I’m still listening.

Please go live the life I never got to. Take all the chances…always eat the last piece of cake…laugh as much as you can. Don’t be scared. Grab life like you always have…by the fucking balls. Raise all the hell that I never got to.

Take care of your daddy and your brothers for me.

Love you endlessly,